Show Transcript for Episode 235: I’m Too Sexy For My Shirt — Getting Sexual Confidence

Announcer 00:00
The following content is not suitable for children.

George Faller 00:02
Okay? I’m too sexy for my shirt. too sexy for my shirt. Remember that song Laurie?

Laurie Watson 00:14
Welcome to foreplay radio couples in sex therapy. I’m Laurie Watson, your sex therapist.

George Faller 00:19
I’m George Fallon, a couples therapist

Laurie Watson 00:22
and we are passionate about talking about sex and helping you develop a way to talk to each other.

George Faller 00:27
Our mission is to help our audience develop a healthier relationship to sex that integrates the mind the heart and the body.

00:37
Just as we began please remember to check out Uber lube it really calm is where you can get this great lubricant and help support for play radio.

George Faller 00:46
Alright, today we’re gonna we’re gonna try to figure out we all know having a healthy self esteem and

Laurie Watson 00:52
wait wait, I just want you to do and George just doing a little song

Announcer 00:58
too sexy.

George Faller 01:01
My shoes sexy. Yeah. Okay, now we know that a lot that right we all want that confidence in that bedroom now. Yeah, self esteem that just pours out of about pours, right. So, you know, how do you do that? That’s really what I want to talk about today. Laurie?

Laurie Watson 01:20
Good. I hear a lot of people talking about, you know, my partner just they’re not confident they don’t bring the game they don’t. They used to be confident, right? They used to bring it and now it’s just, hey, you want to do it? You know? And all that is missing. But I think that’s true. It is so sexy. I I don’t think it’s about attraction, particularly or attractiveness. I think that people have an energy about them. That is sexual. That is very exciting. I can almost tell like when a person walks into my room, whether or not they’ve had sex First of all I can, I can always know that and second of all, people have tested me on that too, I’m always right. And second of all, whether or not they have that energy, it’s so much more exciting when somebody has an erotic energy about them, regardless of how attractive they are. A lot of single patients are always telling me, you know, I, I can’t get a guy because of x. You know, I’m not attractive enough. I weigh too much or whatever. And I had a girlfriend who was pretty heavy, and she just had men all the time. When she was single. She was dating all the time. And she was definitely outside the norm in terms of weight. But partly It was like, she just was so sexy. She was so she was full of life and kindness. She was a great listener, but she wasn’t just soft. She had an energy about her. And I know that that’s what made her attractive and and for her, she was like, Hey, you know, look at it. The guy knows what he’s looking at here. If he doesn’t want this, you know? He has an option to get out of bed. By the time I’m in bed, I’m in bed. And she was she was really present. You know, how

George Faller 03:08
do we help people that have a lot of these negative tapes? Don’t look this good. I don’t like that. No one’s gonna want to see this. get to that more comfortable place that you’re describing with your friend that says this is what I got. For Beto works come love it right. Not just openness, right? It just say Here it is. Enjoy it, man. It’s such a difference between a fear mindset and a mindset of opportunity, exploration and curiosity and joy. So how do we help people make that shift?

Laurie Watson 03:40
I think the first thing is we have to accept that being good enough is enough. I mean, this this season in human history is the first time we have compared ourselves to Uber attractive people. I mean, there’s magazines, there’s porn. There’s videos. And most people look at the top what 1% of the beautiful people. And they say, Well, I’m not that, and this imaging is always before us. And I, I’ve said this before, but I think about my grandparents, and they were comparing themselves to the ordinary townspeople, you know, I’m pretty attractive, you know, next to Betsy. I’m good enough. You know, my husband thinks I’m great. And that that was enough. And so, I think some of it is we’re, we’re destined to be disappointed in ourselves and to judge ourselves. If we compare, you know, the comparison game, we’ll always lose. So we have to say, you know what, being the best I can be being attractive. That’s, that’s good enough. And so many people say, and I would say to, especially to women who are saying, Oh, you know, I’ve got this little flaw. And their husband is saying, you know, I just want her I want her so much. I think she’s beautiful. I think she’s hot. She’s all in her head about this. And unfortunately, it takes her out of the immediate present moment when they’re sexual together because she’s in her head in self criticism instead of in bed.

George Faller 05:16
Yeah. So that’s really important to just take that moment because on a neurological level when your brain is in that fear response, I don’t like this floor and I don’t want it to be revealed that I don’t want it to be repulsive. Like, you can’t see the opportunity for the fun. Right? That’s that tunnel vision that fear starts to create. So on a practical level, how do we help people shift from that fearful response to a more open response?

Laurie Watson 05:50
I think one of the things that I’m practicing and learning is really self compassion. I have a patient too. She is one of The most beautiful women I have ever known. I mean, she’s tall and lean and fit, and she doesn’t think she’s fit. You know, she thinks she’s What does she call herself skinny fat. You know, I’m just skinny. But I mean, her limbs are beautiful. They have curves. It’s just, it’s just incredible. And I, and she has this old group of girlfriends from college. And, and all of them have different shapes, different sizes, and she talks about them. Like they’re goddesses. They mean so much to her, and they’re all so beautiful. And I challenged her to talk to them about the way she talks about herself. And she sent me a snapshot of them, you know, and all of them really, really different. But she could only see their beauty and she could only see even in that photo when clearly I mean technically and she was, you know, had the best figure and was the prettiest she couldn’t see it and and one of the The things I ask is, would you let anybody speak to your best friend, the way you speak to yourself? The way you call yourself, I’m ugly, or I’m fat or, I mean, would you let anybody talk to somebody that you love like that. And then it we have to turn that we have to say, I need to have compassion for myself, that I’m good enough that I’m attractive that I’m enough just the way I am. And sometimes what I literally do, when I get critical is I put my hand over my heart and I like, hit my heart, just trying to calm that negative voice that critical voice down to let myself see that the good in me,

George Faller 07:40
that’s a powerful frame to use to. Because most of the time, people are much more empathetic and nurturing to their children to their friends than they are to themselves. Mm hmm. right in that environment wouldn’t nurture, safety or a good relationship. I mean, we know that when we see a very creative Parents, there’s been a lot of distance in that relationship with that child, the same with friends. Why would we expect it to be any different interests psychically? And how we treat ourselves? Right? But there’s something about pushing ourselves and that critic that believes it can make us better. You know, it’s constantly trying to push us to do something differently. And again, we don’t see the cost of that. So I love what you’re saying, right? You’re trying to change people’s relationship to themselves, and starting to recognize, well, if you see yourself and you only see those extra two pounds, and you can’t really enjoy everything else, then it’s hard to have that really confident VOD,

Laurie Watson 08:37
right? I have another patient who’s a really lovely woman and she’s a breast cancer survivor. And all she can see it it’s like this insect is sitting on her chest. She looks at the fake boob, the boob that was reconstructed and and it just is so ugly to her and so awful to And, and the craziness in it George is she’s alienated from the bras that is still her own that has sensation and feeling and an erotic pathway. And her breasts and nipples were like a really important sexual pathway for her to get aroused. But she can’t let her good breasts be touched because of this constant voice inside that is screaming at her about this. What she says this ugliness inside I mean it the way people feel about themselves cuts themselves off from being confident in the bedroom and, and bringing their presence being mindful about where they are in that moment.

George Faller 09:48
I think there’s a lot I just I want to create a context because I always want to balance out the I don’t want us to come across as being judgmental because you’re critical of yourself. You learn To do that, that criticism is a motivating tool that a lot of people use. And it’s really comes from a loving place. Like if I keep myself really skinny, that my partner will really want me. And it’s so important for me to be wanted that I’m willing to do this work. I mean, it’s such comes from such a loving place, but people don’t see the cost of it. They don’t see what this constant motivation and criticism and harshness, what it does to make the process more serious and heavy. And you know, just where we wind up looking training our brain to look for fears and problems instead of looking for opportunities. So I love this. How do you start getting these ladies that you described to start one being more compassionate towards themselves instead of less critical? And two? If you’re starting to reduce that negative space and noise, you want to replace it with a positive right that’s what’s so important. So how do you get them to get curious like What does instead of What turns me off? What turns me on? Like what I like?

Laurie Watson 11:04
That’s a really great question. What is the turn on and so many people are so consumed by the critical thinking, they don’t even think about what part of my body do I like I do ask people this and I think you’ve hit it, you know, like, what’s the favorite part of their body? What do they like? What part is is acceptable? And how that might bring them into the present moment. I wanted, that

George Faller 11:30
would be a great spot. Laurie, come back after break to say, let’s make this practical. I’m going to be somebody who’s have has a lot of training, not listening to my body, not really liking it, right being very critical. Right? And how do get me to celebrate my body which is so critical towards that positive energy, that confidence that we’re talking about. Let’s give our listeners an example of how to how to make that shift and in practical things they can do to do that.

12:01
Okay, we’ll be back after this.

Laurie Watson 12:07
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George Faller 12:57
And I love this Episode we’re talking about how do you make that transition to worry to fund this product? Certainly Uber lube is going to help with that fun. Just even as your energy changes as you’re talking about this, right? It’s just Can we tap into kind of that glide?

Laurie Watson 13:19
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Announcer 13:37
Hey, patrons, Laurie is offering a Facebook Live on Friday night, July 10. Starting at 8pm. Eastern Sign up today.

Laurie Watson 13:44
George, you’ve got this whole new website with training materials and stuff. Tell me about it.

George Faller 13:50
It’s called success in vulnerability.com. Similar to what we’ve been talking about in the podcast, I’m really trying to train therapists on how to keep their focus in session. And two, if you’re going to invite couples and clients and families to risk doing BraunAbility, then it’s really critical that they have success when they do it. The reason why people don’t do vulnerability is it doesn’t work out so well for them when they do. So we really want to empower therapists to, to know what to do in these critical moments, to kind of usher in the transformation that could happen when people go to these vulnerable spots.

Laurie Watson 14:28
So therapists who listened to us can go ahead and check it out. And you’ll be doing trainings and all sorts of things and you have a team of people. It’s success in vulnerability, calm. I’m excited about it. I get to learn a bunch more from George.

George Faller 14:43
I’m looking forward to it. And I appreciate any feedback and support. Right, I’m getting a little excited here because I’ve spent too much time worrying about what’s going to go wrong. And I’ve missed all these opportunities on what could go right Don’t automate the damn shift.

Laurie Watson 15:03
Okay. Okay, so you want to shift from thinking about the critical things to bringing your confidence to the game. I mean, I certainly think with men, they need to override the rejection that they have felt and still bring the sexy still bring the seductive part. And for men, particularly because they have more testosterone. I know this isn’t politically correct, but they’re probably going to need to be the main initiator. And so I I want them to go again. Yes, you’ve been shot down. Yes, you think you’ve tried everything. But when you’ve committed recommitted to change, bring it again.

George Faller 15:45
So help me with that. How do I override that rejection trigger? Because that’s, again, I like the idea. I agree with the idea. What does that actually look like?

Laurie Watson 15:55
It looks like risk. What do you want to have happen? Can you say that? I think with the voice sort of painting a picture of, hey, I want to make love to you? It isn’t, do you want to do it because that’s so impersonal. It doesn’t say anything about me. It doesn’t say anything about what my partner wants. But it’s, you know, I think that they need to say something that’s personal, that sexy. I have a patient right now I’m working with and he’s kind of a groper. And that could totally work for some women. It really could. But for his wife, it doesn’t work at all. And, and she has kind of said over and over, you know, stroke my neck, come up and slip your hands around my waist, nuzzle me say something that is really sexual about where you want to go. Not necessarily crass, but for her, it has to be one notch under crass and I think he doesn’t know how to do that. He doesn’t risk that. for him. It’s just this automated thing that if I go Personal No, I want sex. And she does. And then she turns off so. So I think he needs to risk he needs to say, you know, something sexual that is not in his repertoire maybe was from before?

George Faller 17:14
Well, again, you’re jumping me right towards what I need to do for my partner. How do I do me a little bit differently? Like how do I start to be intentional and say, How do I bring out this energy that enjoys my own sexuality? Like that can kind of kind of increase that vibe before I even take that risk? Because I would imagine that would help me with my risk.

Laurie Watson 17:39
Okay, so what do you have a sense of what the block would be? That’s what I’d want to know. Like,

George Faller 17:43
yeah, I think the block would be the rejection that that that bipod there won’t find that attractive or, you know, so many times that that gets pushed away. So how do I how do

17:55
you dig deep?

George Faller 17:57
It’s almost like how do I pry myself before I take Take the risk, like if I’m dancing in the mirror, or I kind of like if I’m feeling that positive energy, that that that risk is going to be so much easier than if I’m laying in bed saying, Oh, I gotta, I gotta override this rejection trigger my brain, right? I gotta do that, like, I want, I want to be intentionally more playful and more fun, because I think it makes it easier to take that risk.

Laurie Watson 18:22
It totally makes sense. One thing I’ve asked men in the past to imagine is just like, a racing universe for a second a do over their single again, and they’re at a bar, and they have to pick up this hot woman next to them, what would they be saying? What would they be doing? How would they invite her back to their place? How would they make it happen? And are they doing that? So I guess I would ask him, What were his moves? How did he make it happen before? And does he do that? And so many people

George Faller 18:56
well, that’s this is so important, because I get I trust my own emotions, right? And I could feel I’m not getting

Laurie Watson 19:03
through to you.

George Faller 19:04
No, no, you be I think sex really does start outside the bedroom. But if I’m going to go to the bar, you know, this is starting in the shower. Right? I’m already Scott of singing a song. I’m looking pretty good. I might do a set of push ups, you know, get a little pump going on, listen to the radio. I couldn’t go to the bar low. I mean, there’s a lot going on here that’s creating this vibe. So that when I’m at that bar, and I want to say something, I am feeling good. I like the shirt I’m wearing. You know, my hair looks right. or practice it, how I’m going to say things maybe sublimes. I mean, it’s a lot. And I guess that’s the image I’m coming up with. Like, how do I pry my own pump, get myself caught up in that place? Part two is then the risk. And how do I get my partner and not just thinking about men and talking about somebody the features I’m working with, how do they get themselves primed a little bit more before We kind of pushed them to take these risks to actually focus on their own in a world and and how they could have more fun with it.

Laurie Watson 20:08
Absolutely. And you’re talking about kind of fantasy, right? developing in your own mind, a fantasy of what’s going to happen and how am I getting ready for that? In the moment? You know

George Faller 20:19
you’re in a fantasy could be part of it. But to me, the fantasy could be going somewhere else I want to figure out how do I like me in that mirror before I’m doing anything? Mm hmm. How do I look at that mirror and have a plan? I’m Tom. Here we go the shirt again, without destroying even with this belly or whatever else is going on? That is still it is a playful energy here. That’s pretty sexy. Right? How do we help people do that? Well, it’s a good conversation I did we spend even in the field so much time talking about problems that we have when we really want to help people. You know, how do you unleash that positive energy that can see Yeah, we’re gonna get to the problems. Maybe a bit. He’s a little big and you’ll lose in hair, whatever else is going on. Right? But there’s more than you. They’re not just that. Do

Laurie Watson 21:06
you know that if you’re losing here, that means you have testosterone. All right? It’s the men with full hair. You just can’t trust them. Damn, I

George Faller 21:13
knew that was a reason.

21:16
It’s a good thing

George Faller 21:17
Shawn look like Samson with all this hair.

Laurie Watson 21:21
Okay, so, back to it. You know, for me, I guess what has always been possible is I kind of entered the moment with joy. I remember after my third child, my body’s kind of destroyed. Third kid, there’s stretch marks. I was overweight. You know, it’s just, it was tough, but I didn’t really think about that that much during sex. I just thought about how much fun it was gonna be. You know how much joy we would have together that sharing that after having made this child together that we were celebrating and, and I really had a lot of respect for my body. It could do that. I’m quite serious. It was like, I don’t know, the third child was real game changer for me in terms of the respect that I began to show my body

George Faller 22:11
that’s so important your relationship to your body and to yourself that if you are focusing on the opportunity, the possibilities, the fun that you could have, your body naturally opens up, and it heads in that direction. Right? So we’ve identified a lot of these blocks and criticisms that stop it. So can we look in a mirror and say, Hey, I know I want to look at that. That boob that doesn’t look right. But I also know that focusing on that’s going to do what to my sexuality is gonna

22:43
sit down,

George Faller 22:44
close it down, bring up those fears. How do I intentionally kind of focus and celebrate the things that I do like that I still have a body that that works well. That’s beautiful that like, I remember a story you said in many parts. Go about focusing on your children and really how important that is to developing a healthy body image to just celebrate whatever they’re doing and be curious about it. And unfortunately, most of us don’t get that.

Laurie Watson 23:13
What do you mean, when I celebrate your children? What did you mean by that?

George Faller 23:18
Just like, you encourage them, like if they touch their body, they don’t get yelled at for doing right. exploration is normal and healthy. That’s actually what they’re supposed to do. Yeah, we need boundaries around that and all that. But there’s such an overemphasis that it’s so often squishes people’s ability to like their own body. They get overtrained to turn off, and to not like their body because bad things are going to happen. So I think most of the listeners can relate to that we grew up in families where our bodies weren’t really celebrated. And if that’s the case, we’re playing this, we’re carrying this forward. So we do really have to do the work and the work is trying to unlearn some of these messages and really trying to get to that natural process of baby born. likes its body.

Laurie Watson 24:01
I know, right? How do we get in like their bodies,

George Faller 24:05
they don’t think oh, look at this big belly that I have for this runny nose or I don’t have hair. I mean, this is not going on there. They’re just enjoying the journey. They’re totally present in the moment. This is what great lovers do right? They’re present in a moment and they’re enjoying their body to develop this confident is self esteem. It really does start with us before we even get to the partner.

Laurie Watson 24:25
Mm hmm. that there has been one exercise I’ve used in the past which is to turn out all the lights and do you want to listen to to do this turn out all the lights right now and use like one of those tiny flashlights like pinpoint flashlights and focus in the mirror on different parts of your body and just say, you know, can I like this part? Is this part acceptable? Is this part good? Because there are actually it turns out so many parts that are good, that sometimes that that is an additional conversation I like this woman, her name is Corinne Crabtree, and she’s, she does a podcast called losing 100 pounds. And she talks a lot about it’s very difficult to control the negative conversation in our heads, but we can add to that conversation that it doesn’t have to be the only conversation we can compete with it with other parts like you know what, this part of my body is acceptable you know, that part of my body is acceptable so maybe you know, the thought in my head as well you know, I don’t like my jiggly thighs or whatever. But you know what, I got great breasts or we can add to the conversation, the negative conversation with some positive things and compete for some real estate in our brain. So that the negative groove isn’t the only part that is in our head that we have positive things that are going on to

George Faller 25:49
now you get in there. This is I like to really hands on if I got jiggly thighs, what can I do? I nobody’s given us that kind of help. And yet, this is exactly what we’re doing in trauma work. We know that if we’re going to help people’s brains heal, that we have to actually attach a new experience to that old trauma. And that’s how people heal. We need to do that with sex. People have good reasons. They’ve attached all this negativity around different things. Right? If we want them to have success, they need to revisit these places and attach something new to it. So I love that listeners if we could just take that jiggly thighs, whatever your jiggly thighs version is, how do you take that and attach something new to that? Yeah, right. Even maybe my jiggly thighs are what they are. And I’m still glad I got thighs. I’m still I’m still glad something how do we attach something positive to that? That says who I am my spirit, my essence. You know, so so much of sex isn’t just what’s happening between the legs. It’s what’s happened in between the ribs and what’s happened in between the brain And how do we start seeing all of that in this process to Yeah, I got chilly thighs, but I got a huge hot and I got a mind that could go all over the place. Then we start adding that to the equation the jiggly thighs don’t become such a big deal anymore. Do not let the jiggly thigh stop your sex life.

Laurie Watson 27:19
Absolutely. Thanks for listening,

George Faller 27:21
David ah baby.

Laurie Watson 27:24
For those of you who are listening today, we are also going to send out some free Uber lube for those of you who sponsor us on our Patreon page

Announcer 27:33
calling your questions to the foreplay question voicemail, dial 833. My four play that’s a three three, the number four play, and we’ll use the questions for our mailbag episodes. All content is for entertainment purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for therapy by a licensed clinician or as medical advice from a doctor.

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