You are currently viewing Episode 405: 10 Things to Not be Ashamed of During Sex

Episode 405: 10 Things to Not be Ashamed of During Sex

Sights, sounds and smells OH MY! There are many aspects to sex that can cause embarrassment for partners. We are here to let you know that so many things you are worried about are NORMAL! Join us in this episode to hear our list of ’10 things not to be ashamed of during sex’. Maybe you were told that women weren’t supposed to make noises during sex or incorporating a vibr@tor was wrong. Whatever the message was, you may be dealing with shame around sex that stops you from having an earth-shattering orgasm and a healthy sex connection between partners. Listen to Laurie and George break down the top 10 things that cause shame that shouldn’t and how to have these types of conversations with your partner. We encourage you to ask yourself what messages did you receive around the thing that causes shame, have you ever shared it and how is it affecting you? Come along with the experts, download this episode and share with your partner so you can move from shame to sensation together!

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Show Notes

Discussion on Smells and Odor during Sex
– Discuss the different smells our bodies naturally have, including genitals, hair, and underarms
– Share personal anecdotes and experiences with body smells
– Emphasize the importance of accepting and embracing each other’s natural smell
– Highlight the speaker’s love for their partner’s smell during sex and in everyday life

Women-Only Retreat in Asheville
– Advertisement for a women-only retreat happening in November
– Mention the goals of the retreat, including enhancing women’s erotic selves
– Briefly discuss the topics to be covered at the retreat, such as anatomy, sexual pleasure, and sexual expression
– Highlight the fun activities and time for relaxation at the retreat

Tinder’s Relationship Goals Feature
– Discuss the new feature on the popular dating app called Relationship Goals
– Explain how users can indicate their preferences and be more transparent about what they are looking for
– Emphasize the importance of clear communication in relationships and dating

Watching Movies to Enhance Intimacy
– Discuss the idea of watching arousing movies as a way to deepen intimacy
– Encourage partners to communicate and decide what works for them
– Emphasize the importance of measuring the outcome and assessing the impact on the relationship

Overcoming Shame and Sexual Insecurities
– Discuss common sources of shame during sexual encounters, such as performance expectations and orgasm concerns
– Encourage listeners to embrace their turn ons and not be ashamed of their desires
– Highlight the importance of open communication and education to address shame

Discussion on Aging and Body Acceptance
– Reference watching the new Sex and the City series with older women
– Discuss the portrayal of women embracing their changed bodies and finding sensuality
– Appreciate the show for modeling body acceptance and enjoyment at any age

Learning from Negative Sexual Encounters
– Discuss the inevitability of some sexual encounters not going as desired
– Emphasize the importance of learning and making adjustments instead of striving for perfection
– Encourage a mindset that accepts failure and focuses on growth and repair


Joe Davis – Announcer [00:00:00]:

The following content is not suitable for children.

Laurie Watson [00:00:02]:

George I really want to talk to people about these things that they bring up in session where they’re ashamed or even girlfriends tell me things that they’re ashamed of in sex. And so many things are natural, and they just don’t know it’s natural or for whatever reason, they’re embarrassed about their body and their body’s functions. And, you know, we just got to help people feel more comfortable with all the things that happen in sex. And I was thinking about ten things that I hear about this, and I’d love to go through them with you.

George Faller [00:00:31]:

Let’s do it.

Laurie Watson [00:00:34]:

Welcome to foreplay sex therapy. I’m Dr. Laurie Watson, your sex therapist.

George Faller [00:00:39]:

And I’m George Faller, your couple’s therapist.

Laurie Watson [00:00:41]:

We are here to talk about sex.

George Faller [00:00:43]:

Our mission is to help couples talk about sex in ways that incorporate their body, their mind, and their hearts, and.

Laurie Watson [00:00:51]:

We have a little bit of fun doing it right.

George Faller [00:00:53]:

G. Listen and let’s change some relationships. So excited. Laurie another in person training. Philadelphia unleashing the power of sex and EFT for therapists. October 4 and October 5. This is one of our favorite trainings to do. It’s such a need out there to empower therapists, to keep their focus better in session and know how to help couples facilitate these bonding conversations through sex. Most of us don’t grow up in families talking about this stuff, so get some of the tools that you need. Have some fun. Engage with other therapists. It’s great to be back in person.

Laurie Watson [00:01:31]:

Oh, yes, it is so great to be in person. We had so much fun in our last in person training. I mean, people actually laugh at our jokes, and I got to say, some of what we’re doing, I think it’s pretty cutting edge. We’re working on stage one and stage two. For those of you who are therapists and EFT, you’ll get what we’re talking about. But even if you’re not an EFT therapist, there’s a lot here that you can learn about how to talk with couples about sex and how to become more expert at it.

George Faller [00:01:58]:

And if you’re a listener and you do have a therapist and your therapist doesn’t know about EFT, tell them, you know what? I think you should check this training out. I guarantee they’ll come out of that training with some new tools, which is that’s what we’re in the business of, right? Creating change with new tools?

Laurie Watson [00:02:13]:

Yes. So come join us in October in Philadelphia.

George Faller [00:02:18]:

Ten things not to be ashamed ashamed about. Well, I do like that some of your girlfriends are talking about it. I think as therapists, the main thing with shame is it’s the secrecy that makes it so vicious. So many people don’t talk about it because they don’t want their fears confirmed, so they suffer in silence. Right. So that’s why we’re hoping some of our listeners can identify maybe a couple of things on this list and say, maybe it’s not so bad, or maybe I can talk about this with somebody. It is. It is. The antidote to shame is connection. It’s sharing it with somebody. It’s not being isolated. So that’s our hope for today.

Laurie Watson [00:02:58]:


George Faller [00:02:59]:

Bum, bum, bum, bum. Number one. Laurie, what do you got?

Laurie Watson [00:03:03]:

Well, a lot of people are ashamed of the noises that happen when they’re having sex, when they make love.

George Faller [00:03:09]:

Oh, wow. A lot of different sounds. That is right. Not just coming out of a lot of different places. Yeah.

Laurie Watson [00:03:18]:

I mean, it’s really natural to have past gas or sometimes women, after intercourse, they have air that comes out of their vagina, and that makes a little bit of a noise. People feel just humiliated about this. I think maybe the fear is, I’m unattractive. This is something that is gross.

George Faller [00:03:44]:


Laurie Watson [00:03:45]:

And so they feel embarrassed or sometimes, too. I’ve heard just the sound that intercourse makes. It’s like, oh, that’s just so I didn’t expect that. I don’t know. It just feels embarrassing.

George Faller [00:03:57]:

It’s like slapping of skin.

Laurie Watson [00:04:01]:


George Faller [00:04:01]:

The moans, the shout outs.

Laurie Watson [00:04:04]:

We didn’t even put moans on this list, George. But that’s a big one.

George Faller [00:04:09]:

Some people try to suppress it. Some people don’t try to suppress it at all. Right. They’re all over the place.

Laurie Watson [00:04:16]:

They try to control it so that they’re, I guess, contained. I mean, I think a lot of reasons for that. Maybe kids, when they boys, when they masturbate, they don’t want to make any noise that alerts their mother. And I think women especially are taught, don’t be loud, be ladylike, shouting and moaning and just giving over to that. Maybe that’s not feminine and contained or something.

George Faller [00:04:46]:

Well, it’s one of the few moments where you can let go and not be contained. Most of us live lives pretty buttoned up and in control all the time. And this is one of those moments where some people can let go. So I love what you’re saying, that if you find that that’s something that helps to let go, it’s one of the few areas like, celebrate that. Don’t feel bad about that.

Laurie Watson [00:05:08]:

Yeah. You got to let what happens happen. Relax into your body. It’s all good. And I would say especially given to your expressions of pleasure, like, let that out verbally, too. I think that’s exciting. I think partners think it gives them a clue as to what they’re doing is making you happy and making you feel good. It’s a guide.

George Faller [00:05:38]:

Yeah. I remember working with a couple where the guy, they were doing doggy style, so he farted, and that was the last time he did doggy style. So you can see the power of what these humiliating places, this embarrassing can do to just cause us to lose range, lose possibilities.

Laurie Watson [00:05:59]:

Like, our bodies make noises. That’s just the truth of it. And it’s like we have to see there’s kind of an animal part when we’re making love that we’re in our bodies. I had somebody tell me the other day, oh, I’m embarrassed to tell you this about my body. And I’m like, look at there is nothing you could say to me at this point that is going to be embarrassing. I’ve heard everything. Do not be embarrassed. It’s like heavens. It’s just natural.

George Faller [00:06:34]:

I love that line. Our bodies just make noise, it makes sounds.

Laurie Watson [00:06:39]:

That’s it. That’s it. Except no big deal.

George Faller [00:06:43]:

No big deal. All right, number two, what do you got?

Laurie Watson [00:06:46]:

So our bodies have different smells. Like, our genitals have different odors. We have different odors. Our hair smells, our underarm smell. Certainly most of the time we probably want to make love clean, but even if you’re fresh from a shower, you could still have smell. This is kind of an aside, but I was at the hairdressers and she was telling me about her boyfriend and she had a young son who was like seven or eight, and she said, yeah, my boyfriend thinks that my son’s hair stinks when he’s all sweaty and when he comes in from play. And he asked me to bring home a shampoo so that I could wash my son’s hair so that it didn’t stink. And I thought I would drop your boyfriend so damn fast if you can’t love. Like, I loved my little kids sweaty heads. My little boys, when they were playing hard and they’d come in from the outside, they’d just smell so good to me. And I do think smell is important. And I think my partner smells great in many different ways. I love the smell of his skin. I love the smell of sex. I love everything about it. And I just think certainly if you are turned off early, that might be a ticket. Yeah, a deal breaker. But the smell of your lover, I mean, some of it is just maturity, I think. Yeah, you have a body, hello, body.

George Faller [00:08:15]:

That changes during the month and changes as we age. And smells are going to change our diet. What we eat impacts what we smell. And we’re not trying to forgive basic hygiene because hygiene is really important. And faller, communicates things you don’t like and what you could work on, like you want to take a shower, brush your teeth. I think all those things are important. Yes.

Laurie Watson [00:08:37]:

And aftershave is really nice too, I might just add.

George Faller [00:08:41]:

We could always enhance the smells. But if there’s a smell, don’t think there’s something wrong with your body for whatever smell comes out of it. It’s just doing its thing.

Laurie Watson [00:08:50]:

Yeah, I think, like you said, and we change throughout the day. The way we smell, it’s human.

George Faller [00:08:58]:

Our body makes sounds. Our body makes smells.

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Laurie Watson [00:10:04]:

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Laurie Watson [00:10:24]:

Of protein and two net carbs. Visit to find a retailer near you. And number three, our body sweats. Do you know that when we are making love, it’s very natural, it’s part of the arousal cycle that as we climb that mountain, our body actually perspires and regularly sweats? Sometimes you don’t get that one.

George Faller [00:10:53]:

I was with Kathy. We were in the desert in California. It was 105 degrees. Obviously, we’re sweating, and she’s like, oh, I’m sweating. It’s so disgusting. I’m like it’s cool. What’s wrong with sweating? I think it’s sexy sweat. But some people don’t feel that way, right? They think their sweating is disgusting. It’s gross.

Laurie Watson [00:11:15]:

Nice that you told her, though, that you were reassuring. I think it’s sexy sweat. Sweat is sexy.

George Faller [00:11:22]:

I think when I tried to initiate sex in this and that didn’t work so well.

Laurie Watson [00:11:29]:

Sure you did. Okay, so we sweat during sex. That’s normal. That’s natural. It makes us glide a little bit better on each other’s bodies. I mean, there’s good purpose in it.

George Faller [00:11:42]:

Our body makes sounds, it makes smells, and it sweats. We’re on a roll here. What do you got before Lori?

Laurie Watson [00:11:49]:

Okay. And all of our bodies, every once in a while get freaked out, stressed out. We can’t orgasm. We have erectile dysfunction. Maybe you have premature ejaculation. If you’re a man, you can’t come. You get delayed ejaculation. That happens. It does happen. And I think if you can accept that, maybe it’s never happened to you, but it’s going to happen. And if you just go, hey, okay, this is one time. No big deal. Don’t be ashamed of it. Don’t get freaked out about it. Every once in a while, you don’t know stress. Maybe you had a stray thought that just stopped your arousal, no big deal. Just roll with it and say, well, it wasn’t my night. It wasn’t your night.

George Faller [00:12:38]:

I love stats. At least 10% of sexual encounters are going to end with some negativity that’s just par for the course. It’s just the numbers. Like, we got to learn to embrace that 10%, maybe learn something from it. What didn’t work? Who knows? Make adjustments. We know couples. It’s not about getting it being perfect. It’s about when you have a miss, you’re able to repair it. But I think that intentionality. That says misses are coming our way. Maybe things are not going to work for whatever reason. Right. And that’s okay. It’s the stress we put on ourselves, the anxiety it creates afterwards that is much worse than just a moment. If you adopt that mindset that says, all right, it didn’t work, no big deal. Get out of tomorrow night, things will probably be fine. But you spend the whole time saying, what if tomorrow night is not going to work? And now it starts to build that momentum.

Laurie Watson [00:13:29]:

I think it’s a win. If you get naked together, that’s a win. It’s like, okay, maybe the result is.

George Faller [00:13:36]:

Not perfect, but oh, well, the goal’s connection. That’s an easy one.

Laurie Watson [00:13:42]:

The goal is connection.

George Faller [00:13:43]:

The goal is mutual orgasm. That could be a little tougher.

Laurie Watson [00:13:46]:

Okay, but we did a whole session on mutual orgasms, George. We know some people like that as a goal, but yes, you got to have fun getting to that goal. Okay, number five. Some women, they think my breasts aren’t whatever. They’re not pert enough, they’re not big enough, they’re not lifted enough. One’s bigger than the other, one’s bigger than the other. That happens all the time. But they’re so hung up. Or their booty is not big enough or too big. I mean, is there such a thing as a too big booty these days? Is that even a thing?

George Faller [00:14:29]:

There is. It is? Yes. Depends on the taste.

Laurie Watson [00:14:32]:

Yeah, right.

George Faller [00:14:33]:

The booty is sagging. The booty is flat. Let’s not even talk about penis sizes. We can do a whole couple of episodes on that. I forget that crazy stat that like 90% of men think their penis is too small. Right. That’s a problem, right? When your images of what it’s supposed to be, the real thing, doesn’t match. Just because this perception that’s put out there by our culture.

Laurie Watson [00:14:58]:


George Faller [00:14:58]:


Laurie Watson [00:14:59]:

And by porn. Yeah. And I think it’s like 85% of women think that their guy’s penis is just right.

George Faller [00:15:10]:

Something’s off there. Right?

Laurie Watson [00:15:12]:

Something’s off there. Yeah.

George Faller [00:15:13]:

But your message is so important that whatever your body is, that it’s working as a gift to be thankful for what we have instead of being frustrated for what we don’t have. There’s so much shame attached to our bodies, this beautiful creation that gives us so much, and yet so many people focus on what they don’t have, and they’re not present when they’re doing that.

Laurie Watson [00:15:36]:

Yeah. Speaking of bodies changing, I’ve been watching the new Sex and the City series with the women as they’ve aged, like 20 years or something. Did you ever watch the first series? It’s such a girl thing. You probably didn’t know, but anyway, it’s still a girl thing. But now they’re not absolutely perfect, but they’re all very sensual and they enjoy sex, and most of them enjoy their bodies. But it’s kind of nice. It’s kind of nice to see on the screen these women who are some of the most beautiful women in the world, but they’re not absolutely perfect like they were when they were 30. And what they’re modeling, I think, is an enjoyment of bodies that have changed and they’re still enjoying sex. So I’ve appreciated that about the show.

George Faller [00:16:27]:

What a healthy message.

Laurie Watson [00:16:28]:

Yeah, that part is healthy.

George Faller [00:16:30]:

In that show, all those guys, as that belly is growing, the hair is falling out. It is what it is. And I think the more we focus on what is working and appreciate that instead of not, it starts to dissipate some of that shame, because not liking the only thing you have is not going to lead you for a lot of success.

Laurie Watson [00:16:52]:

It’s not going to be good sex. If you’re worried about how you look.

George Faller [00:16:56]:

Naked, that doesn’t mean don’t hit the gym.

Laurie Watson [00:16:59]:

Sure, something to be said.

George Faller [00:17:01]:

All right, let’s come back and hit the next five.

Laurie Watson [00:17:07]:

Picture this. You’re hanging out in your favorite spot. You’ve got headphones on, and the world around you kind of fades away because you are listening to a Dipsy story and feeling immersed in this really vivid world. And you’re starting to turn on as you listen to these sexy scenarios. And then you bring all that energy back to your partner. What do you think?

George Faller [00:17:33]:

George Voila laurie developing that erotic mind through listening to one of these Dipsy stories.

Laurie Watson [00:17:40]:

Dipsy is an app. It’s full of hundreds of short, sexy audio stories designed by women for women, and they bring scenarios to life from immersive soundscapes and realistic characters. You discover stories about second chance romances and adventurous vacations. And it’s hot and heavy, so it can be really spicy. You might even be able to listen to an audio by your favorite TikTok creator to talk about their pleasure and their fantasies. So new content is released every week. In between listening to those favorite stories again and again, you probably find something new to do, something new to explore. And I think adventure is fun in sex.

George Faller [00:18:22]:

So for our listeners of the show, dipsy is offering an extended 30 day free trial. When you go to foreplay so you got nothing to lose, try it for 30 days and see if these stories rock your boat.

Laurie Watson [00:18:35]:

That’s 30 days of full access for free when you go to Di. Foreplay. foreplay.

George Faller [00:18:46]:

Lori we know, great lovers are intentional. They bring playfulness curiosity into the bedroom so they can relax. And we got a great product to help do that. fourIA.

Laurie Watson [00:18:57]:

Fouria, right. Their sex oil and their awakened product is helpful for orgasms. If you want a bigger or better orgasm for you is where it’s at. They use all natural plant based ingredients to intensify sexual pleasure and also relieve discomfort. And I can totally see why that works because it also just kind of helps get everything ready down there, right?

George Faller [00:19:22]:

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Laurie Watson [00:19:32]:

For the ultimate pleasure pregame. You really want to use it before you start, and then that kind of gets your body a little bit ready. So I fully endorse you to go ahead and treat yourself to more and deeper and fuller pleasure whenever you can find it, and as often as possible, of course. And you can start with the bottle of for you. FOIA is offering a special deal to our foreplay FAM. Get 20% off your first order by visiting foreplay. Or just use the code Foreplay at checkout. And that’s foria foreplay for 20% off your first order. And I recommend trying their awaken arousal oil and sex oil, and you will thank us later. Okay, so we’ve talked about five things already. Making noises, smells, sweating, the occasional miss for an orgasm or taking too long, or worry about our penis or our breasts. There, I said it again. Our penises. James Hawkins you’re going to love this episode when Lori starts talking about her penis.

George Faller [00:20:49]:

Hey, that fantasy. We’ll get to it. All right, number six.

Laurie Watson [00:20:53]:


George Faller [00:20:55]:

Wanting and needing. That it’s okay. It’s a healthy expression of who you are to want different things, to need different things. That that expression. If you want to change positions or you want to do something differently, how does that become okay? Instead of feeling like, oh, there’s something wrong with me because I want these things.

Laurie Watson [00:21:16]:

And I just think the shame that people feel like asking they know that their partner needs to do a little bit of this, but they won’t say that because they’re ashamed of needing they’re ashamed of hurting their partner. Hurting their partner. They’re ashamed of that I can’t get there with whatever it is they’re doing to me.

George Faller [00:21:42]:

It’s such a horrible moment. We hear a couple, they’re in missionary style. The woman’s not in a place where her clitoris is getting stimulated. She’s just kind of going through the motions, hoping her husband’s going to have an orgasm or partner her husband is feeling all this pressure to have an orgasm, doesn’t feel super engaged, is worried about it, is not even present. And neither one of them could communicate with each other. They can’t say, like, as simple as saying, hey, can you just touch my clitoris as we’re doing this? Or can we change positions? Or that expression of wants, because that fear of shame being triggered just stops so much of the communication.

Laurie Watson [00:22:21]:

Yeah. And sometimes the shame is due to poor information. He’s feeling ashamed, like, she’s not getting there. She’s not getting there. I got to go harder. I got to go longer. I’ve got to last. Oh, my God, I’m not going to last. And that’s not how she gets there ever. But he doesn’t know that. Or she’s like, I’ve told him a million times he needs to touch my clitoris, and he’s not doing it. He’s just doing his thing. Does he not remember? And then she just feels like, I’m so needy. Other women can do it this way. Why can’t I? I’m not getting there the right way. Oh, I’ve had a lot of women say that. Yeah, I can orgasm, but not the real way, not the right way. I’m like, wow, but there’s so much shame in that.

George Faller [00:23:08]:

It’s risky because you might get rejected, too. Right. It’s like, can you touch me here? But will you think less of me if I ask for that? Or you think I’m weird, or you think I’m perverted? So I just won’t say, I like this part of me touched, and it’s just that fear stops the expression of the want.

Laurie Watson [00:23:26]:

Yes. I like the way you even said that, asking for that. They could get rejected. They could think we’re perverted or off.

George Faller [00:23:36]:

Wants being met is what leads to great sex. We want wants being met. And if somebody wants or never asked, you can see how that just suffocates a relationship.

Laurie Watson [00:23:49]:

Yeah. It’s boring sex, right? Because we’re never even communicating what our turnarounds are.

George Faller [00:23:57]:

Yeah. Well, let’s speaking of boring sex, the next one fantasies. Right. Lori has a lot to say about.

Laurie Watson [00:24:05]:

Oh, I do. I mean, I just think our minds, when we’re in a sexual moment, maybe are thinking sexual things. I think that’s okay. I think that if what comes into your mind or what you kind of are using as an image to get over the top and you think of something sexy, I think whatever that is is fine. Maybe you share it with your partner, but maybe you don’t because it’s just not relevant to your partner, but it’s sexy to you. And I think using a fantasy to heighten arousal or to sort of make that bridge into orgasm is good. I certainly think people can fantasize in ways that break connection with their partner, but most people, they think about all kinds of things. Their mind is just alive with erotic thoughts, and I don’t think they need to be ashamed of what their turn ons are.

George Faller [00:25:04]:

And I think it’s okay for your fantasies to align with your values so that you don’t want it to go in certain areas. But I love what you’re saying, that there’s a reason your brain gets turned on by some of these ideas and to not feel like there’s something wrong with you because you have them. I mean, we all have them. It’s totally normal to let your erotic mind wander and play.

Laurie Watson [00:25:29]:

I mean, how can you be a sexual creature and not see attractive people or think of things and then if you’re going to feel ashamed of it every single time, it’s like maybe certainly like you said, aligning with your values and not necessarily dwelling on someone or somebody that is not your partner and then makes you want to long for that person. That’s probably not a good thing. But just erotic thoughts and stuff like that, that infuses you with eroticism to allow your mind to think about sexy stuff.

George Faller [00:26:09]:


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George Faller [00:27:06]:

All right, moving on. Number eight. It’s okay to want to bring in something external. You want to bring in that vibrator, that lubrication, that swing, whatever it is that’s that swing.

Laurie Watson [00:27:21]:

Oh, George, let’s talk about that swing, shall we? I want to hear about the swing.

George Faller [00:27:26]:

Well, that idea of novelty, of just trying to turn that bedroom into a playground. And we talk a lot about this in other episodes. Some gas pedals and brakes, but just.

Laurie Watson [00:27:36]:

Don’T feel I don’t think I’ve ever heard you talk about the swing, though. I think I need to hear you talk about the swing.

George Faller [00:27:42]:

Another episode. I’m going to avoid that topic because the swing that I was on, you kept hitting the pole, so they were getting in the way of each other.

Laurie Watson [00:27:56]:

Okay, yeah, you’re right. People with external stuff that they want to dry, it’s like vibrators. They feel so ashamed of it. Or I need a lubricant. Can you grab the lube? They’re not natural about that. They can just feel ashamed. And even if they’re dry and it’s hurting, I hear lots of women who say, I’m dry and sex hurt me. I’m like, why did you have intercourse when you were dry? Like, why did you not use a lube? Or I don’t know. I don’t want my partner to know I’m not young. I’m like, Well, I think your partner probably knows that.

George Faller [00:28:35]:

Yeah. This is, again, aligned with your values. If you want to watch a movie that gets you aroused and it’s engaging with you and your partner, like, bringing these things in to deepen the bond, to bring more energy into the bedroom, we’re always measuring the outcome. Right. If it leads to greater connection, it’s working. Why not be open to exploring it? If it leads to competing attachment and threats and more anxiety, it’s probably not so working. So it’s up to every partner to decide what works and what doesn’t work for them. But yeah, I couldn’t agree more. So many people, they lose the ability to kind of have more fun because they’re just afraid of bringing it up again.

Laurie Watson [00:29:21]:

Right. And if we’re with a partner for a long time, there’s a lot of fun things we can try. And like you said, some of these things bring more energy. And so if it’s great energy and it becomes about our partner and us, that’s a good thing.

George Faller [00:29:39]:

I cannot believe how many couples just the introduction of a vibrator, how it totally changes their sexual relationship. Just one little external thing that’s, like two inches in size just totally takes it to a whole different place.

Laurie Watson [00:29:54]:

Yeah. I mean, vibrators are really a nice way for a woman’s body to be able to get aroused quickly. That’s so great.

George Faller [00:30:05]:

There we go. All right.

Laurie Watson [00:30:08]:

Another ashamed thing is sometimes people don’t make eye contact. I will know. Who was it? Schnarch. David Schnarch. He’s a sex therapist and a writer. He’s passed away, and he had a lot of things to contribute to the field. But one of the things he talked about was eyes open orgasm. I think I was 40 years old when I read that. And I’m like, you mean you can keep your eyes open orgasm? That’s possible. I don’t think I’d ever even thought about it. For him, it was this pinnacle, right, of this merger moment, and I can see it. I think that’s a beautiful thing, but I’d never really thought about that point.

George Faller [00:30:56]:

Yeah, well, do you think there’s something wrong because you want to see your partner, or is there something wrong because you want to keep your eyes closed? I mean, this is happening in every sexual encounter, but people never really talk about it, and they usually think there’s something wrong with whatever they’re doing anyway. That seems to be the common theme here. Right. Shame says, I’m doing something wrong. Something’s wrong with me. And it’s okay to want your eyes open, closed, to kind of go back and forth between the two. Whatever works.

Laurie Watson [00:31:25]:

But I think maybe the wish for eye contact is the wish for some sense of greater intimacy. And I’m making love to you. It’s personal. And so when I’m looking at my partner, that can be a good thing. An intimate thing, and maybe sometimes we get ashamed of that intimacy. It’s like, I’m naked and ashamed. Right. There’s just something difficult about being so vulnerable. And so maybe we close our eyes.

George Faller [00:31:55]:

The original sin, shame wants to turn away. That’s what the hiding does. And closing your eyes could be a form of that hiding. The eyes are the window to the soul. You want intimacy, you want deep connection. You’re not going to find a better way than kind of in these moments. That’s such a beautiful way of strengthening the emotional bond. So how many couples never even think about it. Like you said, I was 40 years old and never even occurred to me. So hopefully some of people listen to me, like, what do I do with my eyes? Let’s think about this toothpicks just to keep them open. All right, last one.

Laurie Watson [00:32:35]:

Last one. So sometimes we’re ashamed that we don’t want to do everything our partner wants to do, and maybe that makes us too vanilla or that makes us boring in bed, and people get ashamed. It’s like, yeah, I’m not as exciting of as a partner as his last partner or something. And then they feel embarrassed by things that they’re really not turned on by but that their partner wants. How can we help them with that shame?

George Faller [00:33:03]:

Yeah. I think we are such big fans of the word no. Being able to say no, to not put your body in a position where it doesn’t feel safe or it doesn’t like something, that’s what leads to bad sex. Right. Being able to understand your no and the good reasons, I don’t like that position. I don’t like to be touched that way. I don’t like that rhythm. I don’t like that’s. Okay. And being able to express it allows you to actually communicate more clearly what it is that you will like. I mean, the no is such good information, and yet so many of us don’t want to share it because we don’t want to hurt our partner, and it just leads to this kind of isolation.

Laurie Watson [00:33:39]:

Absolutely. The road to yes comes through no.

George Faller [00:33:42]:

Oh, yeah. Say that again, Laurie.

Laurie Watson [00:33:44]:

The road to yes comes through no. If you can’t say no to your partner, your whole heart won’t be open and be able to say yes. So you have to be able to represent yourself and say, sorry, that’s not me. That’s not what I want. That’s not what I want to do. And it’s okay to be different than your partner who maybe wants to try something else. But I think being able to ask is important. I think, like, right. We want the partner to want and need and represent their wishes. But it’s also okay to say. And you don’t have to feel ashamed of saying, I’m just not into that.

George Faller [00:34:20]:

No, I want to swing. But you don’t want the swing. That’s the most common thing we see with couples.

Laurie Watson [00:34:27]:

One person swing particularly, is the common.

George Faller [00:34:29]:

Gas pedal becomes another person’s break. And again, that’s just a set up for all couples. We have to have a platform because if we could talk about it, we can repair it. It’s the silence that leads to the suffering and the shame, and that’s the thing that starts to kill the intimacy in a relationship.

Laurie Watson [00:34:46]:

It does. Do you guys keep the swing in the guest room? Because sometimes I could.

George Faller [00:34:50]:

You want to use it when you come over? All right.

Laurie Watson [00:34:54]:

Bust that thing out for you. Okay, so thanks for listening.

George Faller [00:34:59]:

Keep it keep it hot, baby.

Laurie Watson [00:35:01]:

I would love to invite you. This is women only, but we are having a retreat in Asheville on November 10 through the twelveTH, and it’s going to be a slumber party. And so we’re going to all stay together in the same cabin. It’s a beautiful space, and we’re going to have meals brought in and made, and we know who the chef is, and so it’s going to be wonderful. Maybe drink a little bit of wine if you’d like to. And we have kind of some talks and time to work together on your sexuality. So the whole goal of this women’s sexuality retreat, the slumber party, is to basically enhance and develop yourself, your erotic self inside. So we’re going to be talking about anatomy and physiology and sexual attachment. We’re going to talk through blocks, what stops us? What are the breaks against our sexual expression, and then what are our gas pedals? What are our turn ons? How do we open up more sexually, like with enhanced sexual pleasure? And we’re going to talk about orgasms and roleplay and using joys and fantasies and some stuff. And each night we’re going to have a pajama party where we just relax Asheville around and talk on the deck and hang out together. And then on Sunday morning, we’re going to set our focus and have concrete steps toward sexual engagement with our partners.

George Faller [00:36:23]:

Sounds pretty awesome. Laurie and all the men. Don’t worry about it. Maybe we’ll have like, a Spartan camp out somewhere, have a couple of beers, and we’ll do our own version of that someday.

Laurie Watson [00:36:35]:

That would be great. So, love to invite you. I will post it on under resources, and there will be the retreat, the scheduling events, and you can link and figure out if you can make it with us on November 10 through the twelveTH. Okay, so tell us about your cutting edge training that you’re doing on success and vulnerability.

George Faller [00:36:59]:

Laurie, we just keep pushing it. Coming up with a new module on the playbook of a pursuer, playbook of a witch, or really practical moment by moment moves of what a therapist can use. We’re so focused on what’s happening in session enough, there’s talk about theories and these global things I think most therapists are looking for, what do I do in this moment? Give me a tool, George. So that’s what we’re trying to do.

Laurie Watson [00:37:25]:

That’s awesome. I am so glad you guys are doing this work. I think it helps us be organized to see you do it. You do demos, you do explanations. Teaching. It really is interactive, and I think that so many trainings that we sit through don’t give us an opportunity for that. So what you’re doing is really important.

George Faller [00:37:45]:

No, we try to emphasize the teach it, show it, do it model of learning. You need to have some ideas, so we try to teach those, and then we try to show what it looks like implementing those ideas. But most importantly, you now got to practice it. That’s how they become yours. And that’s what we want our listeners and watchers to do and become their own moves.

Laurie Watson [00:38:03]:

Find George and his

Joe Davis – Announcer [00:38:09]:

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Laurie Watson [00:38:31]:


Joe Davis – Announcer [00:38:31]:

Glickman, Brian. Sophie.

Laurie Watson [00:38:32]:

Here the co hosts of Ask Rana. With Rana and Brian.

Joe Davis – Announcer [00:38:36]:

There’s only two of us, but I get third billing.

Laurie Watson [00:38:38]:

Our fabulous advice podcast comes out every Tuesday. We answer all kinds of pressing questions.

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Laurie Watson [00:38:52]:

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