Show Transcript for Episode 279: 5 Erotic Blueprints—What’s Your Sexual Style?

Listen to the episode here!

Laurie Watson 00:02
So George, we’re going to talk about the five erotic blueprints about how people, what their types are, what their sexual types are. And they’re kind of like the five love languages but all about sex.

George Faller 00:14
Bring it on, Laurie. Sounds good.

Laurie Watson 00:19
Welcome to Foreplay Radio Couples & Sex Therapy. I’m Laurie Watson, your sex therapist.

George Faller 00:25
And I’m George Faller, couples therapist, and we are passionate about talking about sex and helping you develop a way to talk to each other. Our mission is to help our audience develop a healthier relationship to sex that integrates the mind, the heart and the body. Okay, this is from Gaia- one name person. She’s the creator of this and we’re thankful for the work that she’s done. She has five types of eroticism. And I’m going to read the types and then we should we’ll talk about each of them as we go. There’s energetic, sensual, sexual, kinky, and then shapeshifter, which is a little bit of everything.

01:10
And we took the quiz, where do people take this quiz, they take the quiz at www.eroticbreakthrough.com. Nice. That’s called the erotic blueprint quiz. And it’s helpful. Laurie just says, we’ve been listening to feedback from our listeners. And, you know, we could be so focused on problems and how to fix problems that, you know, there is a real big need out there. For a positive focus, like what works? How do we focus on also what works. So again, this is a nice way of just giving people a different way of connecting and having success, right? I just think, yeah, if we examine who we are, and talk with our partner about that, and listen to kind of what turns them on, and how they see themselves, I mean, I think it creates more flexibility in bed. And variety is often good, it keeps it from being boring. And there’s all kinds of things that maybe one person is one way, and the other is the maybe another blueprint. And we’re going to talk in later sections today about how they deal with that, how they merge those what happens, you know, when there’s blocks, but maybe we should start with the energetic and describe what that is. Okay. So this is the person who likes anticipation kind of likes to be teased, maybe it’s not quite direct touch in the beginning, but flirty and fun. I kind of think that this is what people do naturally, when they’re dating.

Laurie Watson 02:43
You know, they’re talking about it all the time, what they’re going to do to each other, all that fun,

George Faller 02:49
right? That’s the yesterday anticipation, right? So the pre sex, you’re thinking about what the night might look like, and you’re just kind of allowing yourself to roam and be curious and be playful.

Laurie Watson 03:03
Somebody else says it’s kind of like longing and eye gazing. That’s, I think, why I think of it as dating. People are, maybe they have started to have sex, or maybe they haven’t. But it’s more about the the mind connection and intimacy without necessarily direct touching yet. I think there’s a lot of fantasy in that.

George Faller 03:29
Well, I think a lot of couples don’t have enough anticipation. How do we think about it before, you know actually jumping in that bed. So that energetic person is throughout the day is kind of just they get about their partner and whatever different way of connecting and that anticipation. Just like when you were dating, like no one Friday night, you’re going out? And where are you going to go? And what is going to happen afterwards? I mean, just the fun of that, and how important that can be to our rich sex life. Mm hmm.

Laurie Watson 03:58
Yeah, I had a client who came in recently and was talking about this man that she was interested in, and, you know, how they were starting to describe to each other, just over text and in their early correspondence, you know, kind of what their turn ons were, and they were starting to talk about kissing each other and all that kind of stuff. You know, and it was high, high high eroticism, you know, because they, they hadn’t really done anything yet. They were just starting to describe it. So that’s, that’s the tease. That’s fun.

George Faller 04:33
That I know, in other podcasts you talked about, oftentimes men with high testosterone, you know, they don’t have to think about it, it’s ready to go as soon as they see something visual. But you know, then you want to love your partner the way you think you want to be loved. So my partner should just be as visual as me. You know, but for a lot of women, you don’t have high tea. Right? The hot is that anticipation that I always remember you say it starts with shaving your legs. in the shower, like wash, like just that mindset that saying, you know, I’m going to dress a certain way, smell a certain way, like you’re just getting your body excited hours before anything’s about to happen.

Laurie Watson 05:11
Right. I i do i agree with you, George, I think this is if if a woman doesn’t have this as part of her type of as part of one of her erotic blueprints, this is something definitely to cultivate. Because, you know, she’s turning her mind on and and it does, as I said, maybe happen naturally in that dating phase, but in marriage as well or in long term partnership, anticipating is a big turn on.

George Faller 05:38
Exactly. I love how you said that. Laurie, this isn’t? How do we help people just have different cultivate was the word you used? Right? This isn’t about shaming people. This is just getting people curious, say we, we go to things that work. So things that have worked for you, your brain wants to keep doing those things. But if you can kind of think about other things, it just adds another element to develop. So we’re not trying to blame anybody. We’re just getting you curious, hey, is that something else that you maybe want to do more of building that anticipation? Right? That’s good. What’s the next one?

Laurie Watson 06:11
Sensual is the next one. It’s, this is like a turn on with by touch and smell and the aesthetics of your room, maybe the beautiful setting, feeling close a lot of affection. People want their bodies already next to each other. So I imagine these are the people who are lying in bed. And that’s how they initiate you know, they, a lot of people are in the bed already. Before they initiate they don’t they don’t know necessarily before they’re actually lying next to each other, whether they’re going to have sex or not, because their body isn’t warmed up. So this sensual mode, I think so many people like this, I think women like this because it’s like their, their body is relaxed already. And I think the aesthetics, the romance, candlelight, perfume, all that kind of stuff is so important. I think for for many women to kind of just the smell of their partner, you know, is big turn on. Hopefully,

George Faller 07:17
we’ve been hitting this one out throughout the podcast, right? This is the hot part of getting more present more intentional about the romance this the state of the emotional bond, that connection, even for men to get them more in touch with the afterglow after sex, that’s where they want to cuddle. Why because that that hot is online. You know that skin to skin all those five senses, this is a great area to really spend more time focusing on the strength that I could action.

Laurie Watson 07:46
Another article I read was talking about how massage is the starting point. So I think that’s, that’s a great way of sort of maximizing the central turn on the central blueprint. This is where eye contacts really can be important.

George Faller 08:03
The eyes are the windows to the soul. Laurie, we know when two people are looking at them, those green brains are online, right, they’re feeling kind of safe and connected and with each other. And so, so many good parts of this central.

Laurie Watson 08:18
Yeah, but the people who have to relax and get into their body that this is good for them. I guess the problem could be the environment also can throw them off. If it’s too cold too hot. The music is too loud or whatever that can be problematic. Or if they come into their head and out of their body start to be self critical that throws off the central but sinking into the body is

George Faller 08:45
is the starting place for these people. I was shocked when I first started doing this work with you just how important relaxation is to grade sex. And so often as a guy, it’s all about the excitement and you know that that that energy to realize actually learn to relax. ease your body into its whole body arousal in the relaxed mode. Alright, well let’s come back and get into the next story.

Laurie Watson 09:13
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10:00
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Laurie Watson 10:12
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George Faller 11:42
The sexual is most typical for men that are focused on the visual, did the sexual acts itself, that’s, you know, how do we just show up and kind of be this great lover switching positions, getting a workout, you know, it’s what you think about when you see pornography, it’s, you know, you’re looking in a mirror, you’re flexing your muscles, it’s all this kind of, but you know, seriously, just the idea of the act itself. And what a turn on that is when you’re thinking about penetration and you’re thinking about body parts and you might be a boob guy or a butt guy or penis girl or whatever, it gives you a turn on this, this the act itself and getting turned on by that so, you know, so important for people that are into this sexual that’s the turn on for them.

Laurie Watson 12:32
Sure. Yeah, I would say this is more typically male. And you’re right, there are some women that focus on that as well. But you know, they, the sexual blueprint is, you know, they’re pretty certain they’re gonna have an orgasm, and that just drives them right into it and they maybe focus more on the frequency of sex and sex is fun, you know, there isn’t shame here it’s, they’re in it for a good time and that’s a good thing. But oftentimes, I think yes, more male because I think their bodies are more guaranteed most of the time, right?

George Faller 13:09
Yep. And this is it’s easy but it also can make us so dependent on just that right so you know, men that score extremely high on just a sexual and are cut off from their more sensual more energetic pieces, you know, will probably wind up struggling over time. I don’t know that you need to say cut off from that but like in this scary cut off. I was thinking castration was a joke. Nevermind. Scratch that, though. You go with it cut off Jimmeny cricket. Scaring the heck out of me now.

Laurie Watson 13:46
Okay, and then we come to kinky, which is all about turn ons that are taboo, kind of things that are forbidden, maybe just playful, exploring, not necessarily 50 Shades of Gray, but it’s maybe just a hint of naughtiness is what one author has said, So well be some examples of that. Laurie? I think this is you know, we we did this episode for our patrons, the on kink. But definitely power and control submission dominance. I mean, it doesn’t have to be about pain. It can be more about a differential and energy. Certainly sometimes people do connect pain and pleasure together, spanking or being tied up or things like that, that they find is very exciting.

George Faller 14:35
Okay, sex in public places.

Laurie Watson 14:40
Sex in public places, be careful. We’re not recommending that necessarily. But it’s at least the fantasy of that right have been exposed to being caught. That’s kind of kinky, getting the other kinky

George Faller 14:55
Would you consider anal sex kinky?

Laurie Watson 14:59
Not necessarily. So maybe. maybe for some Yeah, that would be kind of just outside the norm of what people are doing. Maybe so.

George Faller 15:11
Well, problem with kink, Laurie is there is no normal, right? I mean, everybody’s free to come up with what feels right for them. And we’re not coming at this from a judgmental point of view, what we’re saying is if two people define something as normal, and this is stretching, what feels beyond that, then that often can be what would be considered kink for that couple. Right? So for anal sex, like for plenty of couples is totally part of what they do. And there’s nothing tricky about that at all. Right. But if you grew up in a, in a really religious family, the idea of kind of even touching your anus could be considered really great. So this is just knotty or taboo. So yes, you’re right, it could be a taboo.

Laurie Watson 15:55
And then we have shapeshifters, who are basically is somebody who kind of maybe wants it all, once, all of these things at different times, thinks about sex, one person wrote that this is a person who can kind of take sex for hours at a time, I tend to think most people are going to be shapeshifters. Because they have a little bit, this inside them a little bit of everything inside them.

George Faller 16:23
Right. And they have some flexibility. But I also imagine it could be tough, being in a sexual relationship with when you’re not sure what they want. And they want so many different things, they could often come across as too much right to the to the partner on the other side that feels like they’re constantly letting them down. I guess that’s the hardest part of what we’re hoping. And just identifying the types that you might fall more classically. And we tend to want to love our partner the way we get turned on. So if I am energetic, and that’s my main kind of turn on, I’m going to try to turn on my partner the same way. But the problem is, what if they have a totally different, right? So I think the most classic example would be that sexual, say, husband who wants this visual turn on with a very sensual wife who’s looking for the romance and a connection. And you know, both of them are trying to turn the other odd with their moves. Right?

Laurie Watson 17:22
He may want more direct approach, and she wants to hold each other in bed for 15-20 minutes before she even knows if she wants to have sex. So he’s disappointed and if he approaches her his way, she’s like, That’s not good. I’m not ready. That’s that’s a bad thing. So how do we get these people together? George, when they have different styles, how do we get them talking about it and into flexibility so they can meet each other’s needs.

George Faller 17:52
That’s the key word talking about it. If he’s looking for a striptease act, and what he gets is the lights off and sweatpants jumping into bed. It’s, you know, he’s probably got to be a disappointment. Right? And if she’s looking for some romance, and some some music and some kisses and some conversation, and what she gets is, you know, him jumping on top of her ready to go. I mean, they’re in two totally different planets.

Laurie Watson 18:16
They are absolutely. Oh, that makes me so sad. For both.

George Faller 18:22
Right? He’s not wrong for a lot of strip x. She’s not wrong for wide, some, some romance, and yet they’re there. They’re in such different places.

Laurie Watson 18:32
One of the things that I hear all the time is, you know, I can’t possibly do that. I don’t, I don’t turn on unless my body is warmed up. And, you know, I think by and large, we maybe do fall into one part or couple of these different blueprints. To me though, in a committed erotic life, you kind of have to do it your partner’s way. Some of the time, you know, some of the time figuring out what their big turn on is and giving them that I mean, that keeps it exciting. I like it. Yeah, well, let’s come back and figure that out. Let’s see if we have one dominant area. How do we meet our partner in a different one? Okay, let’s come back.

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George Faller 20:20
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Laurie Watson 21:09
I think that’s great. So when men are cleaning up, they need to check and see if there’s any lumps. Right.

George Faller 21:15
Exactly. Don’t forget, use the code FOREPLAY at manscaped.com to get 20% off. All right, Laurie. So how do we help people with different languages? So we go to that example, if the husband wants a striptease act with the lights on? And his wife all dressed up in neglige J. And what he gets is the lights out with sweatpants. Right, that’s going to be a disappointment. Yeah. Right. So how do we get her to do the striptease sometimes, or for him to see the value in the romance? And you know, wait a second, why can’t I come into bed and give a massage? And, you know, a nice good conversation like that, to see the value in the other person’s style? Yeah,

Laurie Watson 22:08
I think first having people figure out their erotic blueprint would be helpful. I think it’s very analogous to the love languages, a lot of people at least in the south here, everybody’s familiar with the five love languages, it seems like and they know their type, and they know their partner’s type. I mean, I think loving your partner, the way they feel it is, is important. I mean, I guess it’s the conversation. And you know, if he could talk about what the big turn on is, especially when he’s saying I want to see your body in a striptease, I think women might be anxious. It’s like, he’s expecting something. He’s expecting a porn act or something. And it’s not about me. But if he might say, no, it’s it’s all about you and maybe hear her fears about that or her anxiety and offer reassurance that would help a lot.

George Faller 22:59
Or maybe he has to initiate doing a striptease himself. Right? Got a little fun with it, say, Hey, what do you

Laurie Watson 23:06
exactly? Like the Magic Mike movie or something? You know, if the guy wants to demo what he wants? I think that’s fun. I think also, he’s, he’s demonstrating vulnerability, right? If he does that, if he shows first, what he’s looking for. That’s kind of what he’s asking for to in the strip tease from her is her vulnerability. So if he gives that first that would be a beautiful example of, you know, of silliness, craziness, just whatever, you know, that that’s fine.

George Faller 23:37
And he’s showing a willingness to help, a willingness to kind of be uncomfortable to he’s recognizing in his partner that this this isn’t so easy, right? And as a team, they’re trying to kind of help each other do it differently, that intentionality is so important, right, that you’re thinking about the other person, you’re thinking about what they need, and that matters to you. Right and it as long as it’s reciprocated, that if the wife is going to stretch to do a striptease act, that how does the husband also stretch to show that we your language, given that massage, taking that time beforehand to do the dishes, whatever it is that that’s really so important, you know, for that intentionality?

Laurie Watson 24:19
Yeah. And I think the same sort of thing with the sensual you know, if, if that’s your turn on touch and smell and aesthetics, I mean to me, like the candles yourself, you know, put the music on, invite your partner into a bath, maybe show them what you like in terms of massage, get out the massage oil, do that so that you know you you help your partner understand this is this is my setup. This is what I really like. I think people get so locked into a power struggle in sex. You know, I don’t want to have to show you I’ve asked you I have shown you I have told you more than anything people come back to me with Laurie, I’ve done all of that. But when they’re starting to heal, they kind of have to have a willingness to go again and show again and try again, in order to help their partner understand who they are sexually.

George Faller 25:14
Exactly in the hope is that you take the partners, different blueprints, less personal. Because so often you take it as rejection, like, well, you don’t want to do a striptease, then you just don’t want me No, actually, that just doesn’t turn them on, because they’ve learned a different way of being turned on. Right? So I think when we can stretch ourselves to kind of take the other persons move a little less personal, and they get excited about what what can I do that actually can make my partner have more success with my style?

Laurie Watson 25:45
Right.

George Faller 25:46
So then what about we go to the energetic? And that’s probably an area that both people might do a better job with? Like, how do you think about sex hours before sex? How do you let that anticipation that that playfulness, the little, little text being sent a little songs out?

Laurie Watson 26:04
I think texts are such a great way, right? I mean, these days with a phone, you can let your partner know what you’re thinking about hours ahead of time. I mean, that would be fun text to get at work? No great thinking about me. Exactly.

George Faller 26:20
I’ve been easy way to just try to play with that. Try to see if you have to send yourself or a mind to force yourself to send a text. What does that text do when you send it to before you know your partner responds back in a playful way, and you’re starting to like it, and it starts to become a new part of your routine your repertoire?

Laurie Watson 26:39
I definitely think if you get a text like this, you need to respond as quickly as possible. Yeah. That’s, you know, that’s vulnerability that the person your partner is putting out there.

George Faller 26:49
Yes. So when you ask your partner, how about doing this blueprint questionnaire with me tonight? You know, respond back to your partner people? Yeah. Okay. No pressure. What about kink? kink? What about kink? How are we going to use score high in kink? your partner’s low in kink? You’re on two different planets sometimes. So how do we how do we stop this bridge? in those conversations?

Laurie Watson 27:17
I think it’s hard to have that conversation. Maybe you’ll be told that your your sex freak or or something that that would be scary. Right? Sometimes I encourage people to just describe another scenario. You know, I saw this, I thought this was hot. Maybe it’s just a shade less vulnerable than talking about your own fantasy. You know, I read this, that might be one way to introduce it to your partner that that this is a turn on for me.

George Faller 27:47
Exactly. To keep highlighting there is no normal, there’s so much shame attached to some of these moves. It’s just something some erotic energy gets tapped into through this doorway. That how do we help people just identify this is just a turn off? Because maybe it’s part of my fantasy, it’s got length, I like to be spanked, right? Whatever it is, it’s like how do you have that conversation where even if the partner is so into it, you it’s something you could share with each other, instead of keeping secret, because again, the more we keep parts of ourselves outside of our partner, the less there is to engage with sexually.

Laurie Watson 28:21
I think that’s so true. I love that you’re saying that. It’s like if we share more and more with our partner, right? The odds go up that we’re more intimate that we understand each other better. That sharing piece, even though it’s hard to do, and we’re afraid of judgment, it can be what draws us closer, and what helps us understand.

George Faller 28:42
And the partner who might not be into that? How do you show that? All right, maybe I don’t want to be spanked, but you can talk about it out loud. And that’s a way of me just allowing you to kind of feel like we’re in this together. Even if the physical spike is not going to happen. If we’re using that for an example. I think that there should be a commitment to respect when you have this.

Laurie Watson 29:06
This conversation, if you’re going to do the quiz and talk about it, you know, kind of bring into a sense that no matter what you say, I’m not going to judge you, I’m not going to turn my nose up at it. I want to know who you are. And I’m just going to accept that this is who you are, and you’re giving me a gift by telling me that it doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m obligated to do all those things, or that I’m obligating you to come my way but let’s start by sharing what you know the inside world is like in our own eroticism.

George Faller 29:38
Beautiful that acceptance, that permission is so key, and it’s got to go both ways, right for the partner who might not be into it, to not be shamed. Like they’re disappointed in their partner like it’s okay to not be into it. It’s okay, you want this and it’s okay for me not to want this and how to both people meet each other in that space.

Laurie Watson 29:57
And it’s a lifetime conversation. I think You know, how do we meet each other and how do we have differences and still please each other

George Faller 30:06
So once in a lifetime conversation, who doesn’t want that? Right. Thanks for listening. Keep it hot y’all.

Announcer 30:15
Call in your questions to the Foreplay question voicemail, dial 833 my four play that’s 833 the number four, play and we’ll use the questions for our mailbag episodes. All content is for entertainment purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for therapy by a licensed clinician or as medical advice from a doctor. This podcast is copyrighted by Foreplay Media.