Show Transcript for Episode 11: Premature Ejaculation

Laurie Watson: Hi, it’s time for a Foreplay Radio, Sex Therapy. This is your host, Laurie Watson, certified sex therapist and author of Wanting Sex Again. I’m here today with sexuality journalist and counselor, Michael Castleman. You can find him on GreatSexGuidance.com. He has a fabulous blog. He answers your questions for free. And he’s just a great resource. I’ve used his book over the years that is, Great Sex, A Man’s Guide to Secret Principles of Total Body Sex. And he also has a book online that you can download instantly. It’s A Hundred Great Sex Guidance Articles. And we are going to talk about premature ejaculation. And Michael really knows so much about all kinds of sexual problems. I’ve read his blogs for years as well. And he has a great book out, an E-book, that is, The Cure for Premature Ejaculation, Last as Long as You Like at Any Age. So, Michael, thank you so much for being on the show. I appreciate it.

Michael Castleman: My pleasure Laurie, happy to be with you.

Laurie Watson: Okay. I want you to tell me, you know, really you talk with both men and women. And I think this is such a topic of anxiety and men get so worried about it. What do the women tell you about what they think about their partners premature ejaculation?

Michael Castleman: Well, I can tell you what my partner thought in my 20s when I had premature ejaculation.

Laurie Watson: Okay. Tell us.

Michael Castleman: I was lovers with a wonderful woman who subsequently became my wife. And I was in my 20s and had premature ejaculation. It bothered me a great deal and I was astonished to hear from her that she really didn’t care, one way or the other. That as long because I took care of her and attended with gentle caresses to her clitoris and she had an orgasm. She really didn’t care how long I lasted or didn’t. And I could not believe it. I thought this is impossible. I care so much about this. How could my lover not? So, that was one of the big, rude awakening.

Laurie Watson: Big surprise.

Michael Castleman: In my own sexual maturation process. And it was my own sex. It was my own premature ejaculation that got me into sex journalism and sex counseling.

Laurie Watson: That is fantastic.

Michael Castleman: And over the years I have heard, we’ve gotten lots and lots of emails from women saying, “Hey, he is totally bent out of shape by premature ejaculation. I really don’t care one way or the other. But I just don’t want to see him suffer. So how can I help?”

Laurie Watson: Thank you for sharing that. That was such a vulnerable thing to share. And I would say the same thing in my office. That many, many women just could care less. Because most women don’t climax through intercourse. Most women, all women climax and can climax through clitoral stimulation. And so, it’s really this, him turning to her in his humiliation or his embarrassment over something that she doesn’t understand. That is the big turnoff for her, right?

Michael Castleman: Everyone wants to have dignity and be in control of their lives. And when men are not in control of something that is so intimate and so important to them. They kind of fall apart a little bit. And, you know, I have women, you know, writing to me, my boyfriend’s freaking out.

Laurie Watson: Yeah, that’s right. And it’s the freak out, I think that really disturbs women. It’s the men freak out and they turn away from her or they get out of bed. And then she’s left high and dry thinking, “What, what, what’s this about? You know, just, let’s keep going.” Such a bummer.

Michael Castleman: Right.

Laurie Watson: So, what other problems do you hear that are really not true about premature ejaculation? What have you heard? What have you researched about? What are the myths, Michael?

Michael Castleman: You know, it goes on and on. I mean, a lot of men think that they have premature ejaculation because they masturbate a lot. No, they don’t. Or because they watch a lot of porn. No, that’s not it. What passes for sex education in this country, which is what, you know, happens in high schools and college sexuality programs. They never mention how to deal with premature ejaculation.

Laurie Watson: And what percentage of men deal with it?

Michael Castleman: Men jump into bed with women, it happens. They have no idea what hit them or what to do about it. There’s very good research on this. Premature ejaculation is a men’s number one most prevalent sex problem throughout the lifespan in every age group from 18 to 80. Between 25 and 35% of men experience premature ejaculation. Erection difficulties get all the ink. And by the time men are in their 60s, erection problems become more prevalent and premature ejaculation. But for most men, erection difficulties don’t even happen until you know, they’re in their 50s or 60s. Meanwhile, men struggle with premature ejaculation from their teen years on up. It is the number one problem for men.

Laurie Watson: I want to go back to a couple of things that you said. You said that erection problems can result from premature ejaculation later on in life? Is that what you’re saying?

Michael Castleman: No. Premature ejaculation can result from erection problems. You take a guy who has good ejaculatory control in his 20s, 30s, 40s. In his 50s, his erections start to get a little iffy. And that causes a lot of stress for him. And psychologically he’s thinking, I better use it before I lose it. Because if he erections often wilt at inconvenient moments. And so, there’s a, an upsurge in premature ejaculation among guys in their 50s who are starting to experience erection changes because they’re under stress from their erection situation. And bang, they start cuming to soon.

Laurie Watson: Okay, great. That is great clarification. Also, go back to the issue with porn. Because I see a lot of young men who come in and have erectile dysfunction, which is their erection is wilting. But some of them have premature ejaculation too and they’re concerned. You know, do you see a difference in terms of does porn impact one and not the other? Or you’re saying, you know, it doesn’t impact perhaps either. What are you seeing?

Michael Castleman: Well, the, the main cause of premature ejaculation is emotional stress.

Laurie Watson: Right, sexual stress.

Michael Castleman: — can make him cum faster. The other thing that’s involved is penis centered sex. When you’re just focus if you’re a man who thinks that sex only happens in your penis and not in your whole body, that is going to also contribute to premature ejaculation. So, the cures for premature ejaculation have to do with deep relaxation and spreading arousal throughout the whole body, not just the penis.

Laurie Watson: Yes, and I think women would love that.

Michael Castleman: And guys watching a lot of porn, are usually yanking on their penises while doing it. And so, watching porn, I have nothing against men watching porn. But when men do that, the focus is totally on their own penis, not the whole body. And that can also cement premature ejaculation. The cure for premature ejaculation, as I say in my E-booklet is two things. Number one, deep relaxation before, during, and after love making. And spreading arousal from that little guy to the whole body. Every square inch of the body is essentially arousable. And that’s the way most women prefer to make love, arousing the whole body, not just the genitals.

Laurie Watson: Right. I think that —

Michael Castleman: And when men change their lovemaking style from genital fixation to whole body arousal. They last longer and their lovers are happier too.

Laurie Watson: I think you’re right. I think you’re absolutely right in this. This genital focused sex is high pressure and certainly it doesn’t work very well for women who also need more genital arousal. And I want to plus again and tell people where to find this book that you’ve written. It’s, The Cure for Premature Ejaculation, Last as Long as You Like at Any Age. And this is Michael Castleman, sexuality journalist. And you can find this on GreatSexGuidance.com. Okay, Michael, we’re going to take just a little break and come right back. This is Foreplay Radio, Sex Therapy with your host Laurie Watson and guest, Michael Castleman.

Commercial: Wanting Sex Again, how to rediscover desire and heal a sexless marriage by certified sex therapist, Laurie Watson. Each chapter is designed to fix one of the problems that caused low libido from early marriage through the childbearing years, even all the way through menopause. I’ve also had men read it and tell me that for them it was the most helpful thing they read about resolving sexual problems. Look for Wanting Sex Again on Amazon.com. You can also talk to Laurie Watson for therapy in person or via Skype. I offer couples counseling and sex therapy and I think about both aspects of the relationship, emotional intimacy, and sexual technique. And that combination together helps marriages be happy. Improve your sex. And improve your relationship with awakening center for couples and intimacy. Find out more at AwakenLoveandSex.com and sign up for their next couples retreat weekend hosted by Laurie Watson. AwakenLoveandSex.com, awaken what’s possible.

Laurie Watson: Okay, we’re back with Foreplay Radio, Sex Therapy. I’m your host, Laurie Watson, with guest, Michael Castleman. Michael is a sexuality journalist and counselor and he has written a fabulous book that I’ve recommended throughout the years as a sex therapist. It’s called Great Sex, A Man’s Guide to Secret Principles of Total Body Sex. And you can find Michael at GreatSexGuidance.com. It’s a website full of fantastic resources. He blogs there. He answers your questions for free. I mean all kinds of issues and you can download this book on premature ejaculation today. So, Michael, thank you for what you’ve told us already. Can you go back and kind of go through true the causes and what men are afraid of? And what really causes premature ejaculation?

Michael Castleman: Well, the main cause of premature ejaculation is emotional stress. And that stress can happen at any age. Which is why premature ejaculation can happen at any age. And the way to deal with that stress is to relax deeply. And when I say relax deeply, it’s not the kind of relaxation that includes, you know, Monday night football and a six pack. It’s more of the kind of relaxation that is involved in deep breathing and whole body massage. Whole body massage is extremely relaxing. So, is deep breathing.

Laurie Watson: So, do you recommend that they actually take time together, you know, and do massage as part of their lovemaking to get him relaxed as well. Because a lot of times, you know, women are asking for massage. But you’re saying, no, maybe the man should get massage as well. Get into his, his whole body. And then what?

Michael Castleman: Yeah. One of women’s big complaints about men is not enough foreplay.

Laurie Watson: Right.

Michael Castleman: I mean, men are all done before women even get interested. So, the idea is if men make love more like the way most women like to. Women are happier and the men have less premature ejaculation. So, everybody wins. Everybody’s happier.

Laurie Watson: Yes. But don’t you think that sometimes men, you know, get from porn and from movies that, you know, they’re just supposed to get it up, keep it hard, and keep going forever and ever. And then they feel like they’re not a real man. I mean, what you’re describing sounds wonderful to me and I think it would sound wonderful to my female patients. But I worry that they’re going to think, “Oh, I’m not a real man if I need this massage stuff.”

Michael Castleman: You know, that’s possible. But in my experience, when men use these techniques of relaxation and total body massage to cure their premature ejaculation. They feel so good about gaining ejaculatory control that they think, “Oh my God, I love this massage. This is great.”

Laurie Watson: And they probably learned that there’s other parts of their body that are involved in the erotic response too.

Michael Castleman: Oh, yeah. Yeah. It’s a wonderful self-discovery for a lot of men to let go of penis preoccupation. And realize that the entire body is essentially a playground. And that when they appreciate that they last a lot longer.

Laurie Watson: That is great. Okay, so, tell us a little bit more about how men can get over it.

Michael Castleman: Well, the sex therapy approach to premature ejaculation was one of the early successes of Masters and Johnson in their original sex research in the late 1960s. And so, since then, for the last 50 years, sex therapists have sort of refined that program. And now have a wonderful track record teaching a man how to last longer. The studies show that the sex therapy approach, with a partner or even solo, helps about 90% of men gain ejaculatory control within a few months. So, it’s a fairly quick, fairly simple program. And it’s lots of fun to do. And basically, it starts with masturbation. This program starts with men touching themselves, stroking their own penises, and training themselves to last longer by themselves first. Because it’s much easier to be sexual with yourself than to coordinate things with a lover.

Laurie Watson: Sure. That’s right.

Michael Castleman: And then the program moves on to introducing a lover into the equation and there’s a step by step program that is laid out in the cure, that works for the vast majority of men. And if the self-help approach doesn’t work, then individual sex therapy usually does.

Laurie Watson: Yeah. And I think what you said, you know, starting with masturbation to gain ejaculatory control is kind of the standard. And I would say it’s the easiest sex problem to cure in men. As is anorgasmia for women, meaning that she doesn’t have an orgasm, that’s her easiest sex problem to cure. I mean, most people suffer forever like you said. Men can suffer this for their whole life and so many men do. And it’s something that, you know, can be fixed so easily. But we don’t talk about it. You know, we’re anxious about it. We’re anxious about it. And women are anxious about not having orgasms. Or not have orgasms with intercourse, which hardly any woman does. You know, this sexual stress that they have, maybe they had it once. This is what I see, men have it one time, premature ejaculation. And then they start worrying about it. And it is sort of like, don’t think about pink elephants. You know, as soon as they start worrying about it, that creates its own stress cycle. And then it happens more quickly. Because erotic stimulation, touch from a lover, or this sex stress anxiety, both of those increase, you know, the potential for ejaculations to happen very quickly.

Michael Castleman: Right. It becomes a bad habit that gets cemented. And then men think, “Oh, I’m psychologically messed up.” And you know, people immediately go to catastrophe here. It’s like, I’m totally out of control, blah, blah, blah. That’s how I felt in my 20s. “Oh my God, I can’t control my penis. So, I must be utterly out of control my life.” But fortunately, I read the original Masters and Johnson stuff, worked with my girlfriend, and I swear to God in a month I could last as long as I wanted. And it changed my life. I mean I became a sexuality journalist and counselor because of my own PE.

Laurie Watson: That that is such good news. And that is what I hear all the time. It’s an easy, quick fix. No pun intended. And it really does work. So, Michael, thank you so much for being with us. I have read Michael’s stuff over the years. And please go ahead and buy that book, The Cure for Premature Ejaculation. He spells it all out. It’s on his website, GreatSexGuidance.com. Michael, thank you for being on Foreplay Radio, Sex Therapy. We look forward to having you again sometime.

Michael Castleman: I’d love to thank you for having me.

Laurie Watson: And thank you for tuning in to another episode of Foreplay Radio, Sex Therapy. You can find us on the web at ForeplayRST.com or on Stitcher and iTunes. And like us on Facebook and Twitter. Join us next time for some more Foreplay Radio, Sex Therapy.

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