Show Transcript for Episode 243: What Motivates YOU to Have Sex? Five Motives for Sex!

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Announcer 00:00
The following content is not suitable for children.

Laurie Watson 00:02
George, we’re going to talk about sexual pursuers and kind of five motives for sex.

George Faller 00:08
I have a question before we get into it; last time you talked about teeny, tiny blowjobs, What were you talking about?

Laurie Watson 00:18
Welcome to Foreplay Radio Couples & Sex Therapy. I’m Laurie Watson, your sex therapist.

George Faller 00:23
And I’m George Faller, a couples therapist, and we

Laurie Watson 00:26
are passionate about talking about sex and helping you develop a way to talk to each other.

George Faller 00:31
Our mission is to help our audience develop a healthier relationship to sex that integrates the mind, the heart and the body.

Laurie Watson 00:40
Just as we began, please remember to check out Uberlube.com with the coupon Foreplay where you can get this great lubricant and help support foreplay radio. Well, this leads us to the first motive, the motive that we have to want to have sex for pleasure and you It says something about the clutter. So I was trying to make the point that if men could think about giving oral sex like a teeny tiny blowjob, they would understand kind of better how to do it. Maybe that doesn’t make as much sense. But the coders has a glance, just like the penis has a glands. And that’s her very, very most sensitive spots. It’s kind of like a PII. Very sensitive there. And so, when he’s thinking about giving her oral sex, I mean, he kind of has to think about the structure of the clitoris. And that was the way it was described to me a patient, his wife told them about that. And it like made all the sense in the world and maybe make all the difference in the world and allows last podcast but kept people listening.

George Faller 01:40
So you’re saying he should be given her little teeny tiny blow job sound. His idea of that was helpful.

Laurie Watson 01:47
Yes, very helpful. I think because he, he began to think about the clearest as analogous to the penis. I think men often don’t know where they are. They don’t know what they’re doing. And sometimes don’t even know where the clicker is is right they don’t look and women don’t show them so definitely for better pleasure she’s got to show he’s got to look and figure that out

George Faller 02:14
all right, I got it by databank though a TD tidy blowjob. Thank you

02:20
in this podcast

Laurie Watson 02:23
Okay, our other motive for sex So, you know, I I tend to think that any motive for sex is positive and healthy. Anything that draws us toward our partner is good, and certainly, but sometimes it gets messed up so there’s pleasure there’s intimacy, you know, sometimes we have sex just to express love and feel bonded with our partner. We want to feel close. We want to feel close physically, but also intimately there’s there’s just nothing so intimate as Saks

George Faller 02:55
for my organized brain. Let’s give me the five okay motives and then we can break him down.

Laurie Watson 03:00
Okay. So there’s pleasure. Okay. intimacy, approval, coping and procreation. All right.

George Faller 03:11
So we started off talking about pleasure, right. So your pleasure, you’re talking about more of the physical side of sex, right? The sensations your body being more engaged in present.

Laurie Watson 03:21
Yeah. And I think sometimes if pleasure is the only motive, maybe then because mechanical, it becomes mechanical, or not relational. And you know, there are people out there that maybe just didn’t hookups. That’s all they want. They just want a moment of release. They just, you know, want to have an orgasm. They don’t know or care about this partner. And for them, that’s their motive in a relationship. I think it’s probably more complicated than that. But it’s fine to just sometimes right? Just say yes,

George Faller 03:57
I love you. And yeah, you Highlighting. There are different types of sex different times when we might emphasize one of these more than others. But as I really want to invite our listeners to think about these five motives, and think about how important each of these to you, and if some are not, maybe they how do you find ways of bringing more of that? Because I think the most the more range you have with these five, the more vitality you’re going to have in your sex life.

Laurie Watson 04:28
People just talk about the teeny tiny

George Faller 04:34
like, okay, just before we move away from pleasure, right, that that idea of it being not just about the orgasm, but that’s part of the pleasure, but just having your body more engaged to different types of touch, central erotic there’s so many different ways of really kind of increasing the our range of kind of pleasurable activities in sex. If you think about presets to form Play sex itself after sex the after glow. I mean, there’s just so much pleasure that we could actually really think about and find ways of bringing in more that I’d love in another podcast Laurie to do like, a real thorough way of assessing these these different motives that how we could kind of find ways of introducing more of it into our love lives,

Laurie Watson 05:22
all of it, all the skin on skin contact, you know, just the Naked Skin to naked skin, warmth. All of that releases oxytocin to which makes us feel connected to our partner. Pleasure is a is a great motive for sex. But I think what you’re expanding is it doesn’t just have to end in orgasm. There’s stroking and touching and line together and things that are all good. And

George Faller 05:48
playing and laughing and intimacy,

Laurie Watson 05:51
intimacy, you know, expressing love closeness, something that I’m only doing with my partner. It’s kind of the secret world Only here and I share.

George Faller 06:01
So that’s around professing love, the importance of your emotional bond feeling safe feeling. This might feel spiritual for people being part of something bigger than themselves. So often great lovers talk about this vulnerability, this this sense of kind of deep connection, how important this really is to, to sex.

Laurie Watson 06:25
And I think that sometimes, especially in a female body, you know, if you’re not driven as much by hormones, the desire to make love to your partner does come from this desire for connection and intimacy. You know, I think men are driven more by hormones and what their body feels so they have the edge on being motivated for pleasure. And sometimes they express disappointment. Well, she just wants to do it because she loves me. She just wants to do it because it’ll all feel good or something. Unlike you know, anything to me that she’s starting out of a place of love is a gift, especially knowing that her body will probably catch up.

George Faller 07:11
That makes sense why men want their partners to start with mutual desire. But that’s not always super realistic and that willingness to just engage in if you’re not, that really is a true sign of love, that you’re hoping your body is going to kind of get warmed up after kind of but starting off, saying, Hey, I’m willing to do this is a pretty is a gift.

Laurie Watson 07:32
And I think that therapists often want to talk about intimacy as the end result of sex, that this is the goal of sex and it is certainly but the research really shows that insecure attachment. Pleasure and intimacy are kind of the two main motives that draw people together and fuel the sexual cycle. So it’s important Yes, that is a sexual power. That

George Faller 08:00
cycle,

Laurie Watson 08:01
the sexual positive cycle.

George Faller 08:03
Right? So as you’re thinking about your relationship, maybe you focus more on the pleasure part of it, then how do you bring more of this emotional engagement, this awareness of the intimacy, or maybe your relationship focuses lots of great job with the intimacy and feeling safe and, and connected, but you know, it’s not so focused on the pleasure, right? This is a good way of just noticing which areas you might want to lean a little further into.

Laurie Watson 08:28
Yeah. And I think that this third motive is about approval. Sometimes people have sex, just to avoid a fight or rejection from their partner. I see this a lot for women than when they’re dating. They know that sex is important. And they want to be reassured that they’re attractive to their partner. So they often have lots of sex before marriage, but it’s often borne out of this motive. Like I want to get approval. I don’t want to be rejected. And, and then because they haven’t they haven’t developed the part that is pleasure oriented, then they have work to do once they get into the commitment. You know, and same with men, I think sometimes for them, pleasure is easy, but they haven’t necessarily develop the part that is intimate. That is reassuring to their partner and creates an emotional bond. So, it’s not a bad thing. I mean, sometimes right? Having sex just to avoid a fight or, you know, just because you’re feeling a little anxious about the relationship works.

George Faller 09:36
It’s so important just to normalize this that this is about it for a lot of people. I mean, there are a lot of male which roars who feel pressure, right their their pursuade partner wants more, and they really doing it out of approval to they are right they just they know it makes them feel closer afterwards it takes pressure off so they just want to kind of get it right Did you know that this is a form of, of motivation?

Laurie Watson 10:05
And I think that even sexual pursuers have sex for approval means like sometimes when the cycle gets out of whack, they’re, they’re motivated to have sex to prove connection. And so it’s not even about pleasure. It’s not about intimacy. It’s like, Can I know that there’s enough supply? Can I know that you love me enough to do this? I’m not saying it. Well, I don’t think George helped me. But it’s like a frenetic quality to it, when they are all about having sex just to get approval from their partner, that they’re good lovers, that they’re desirable that

George Faller 10:42
they’re, you know, I think there’s a little bit of a negative connotation to this, that I just want to balance it out that, you know, this this need for approval is also how, when it’s working, you’re going to feel confident about yourself, right, you’re going to feel chosen, you’re going to feel safer. So it’s This this that’s what the motivation is looking for. It’s like saying, if I have sex, you know, afterwards, the world’s going to be a better place for me. I’m gonna like myself better. I’m going to feel chosen. I’m going to like my partner more. Right? So that kind of motivation, what it’s looking for, I think is really healthy.

Laurie Watson 11:16
I agree. All of our motivations work when, when things are cooking. So we’re talking about three motives pleasure, intimacy, and the desire for approval. And let’s come back from the break and talk about coping and procreation. We are grateful to Uber lube for still sponsoring us. This is a fantastic lube. If you haven’t tried it yet. Please check it out at Uber lube calm with the coupon for play, which gives you 10% off I keep forgetting to tell people that they can support us and they can try this great lubrication, which is really it’s made out of a high grade silicone and, you know, I do all kinds of ratings on lubrications just in my work and silicone doesn’t get absorbed into the body so it it really provides smooth touch, smooth intercourse a great glide. It’s scent free it is taste free so you can switch from foreplay to oral sex to intercourse with no problem.

George Faller 12:19
Well if you’re using Uber lube to enhance relax your body, and it’s just that much easier to open up your mind and expand your heart

Laurie Watson 12:26
and having something fun that makes sex even better. I would love for you to try April lube, support the foreplay podcast and save 10% off your order when you use the coupon code for play at Oberlin comm we’ve done two Facebook Lives for our patrons, George and we try to do that once a quarter we try to send newsletters and give exclusive material. But it’s really we are grateful for people who believe in our mission to help couples keep it hot and help inform people and how Talk about sex, help them get better at their sexual relationship.

George Faller 13:04
Right in partnering with us is it’s really an honor to know people are joining us on this mission, that this is a an effort to produce and for the listeners to put aside time and we hope that’s valuable, but when when we join forces, it’s just a lot easier to get that message out there. So we so appreciate the support both financial and just to make those ratings and to spread the word because our world really needs it.

Laurie Watson 13:33
It is and we get so many letters from people, not just patrons that are grateful for what we’re doing and say it’s changing their lives. And so if you want to help us change the world, we would appreciate that support. And certainly this is something that our hearts are in and we’ve given a lot to and you can join with us.

George Faller 13:55
So Laurie, number four on our list of motives, procreation We wouldn’t be here as a species if that also wasn’t part of the game that lead to produce babies and offspring to continue our species.

Laurie Watson 14:12
Oftentimes high motivation to have sex, even if the sex is not that great, sometimes during infertility issues, but yeah, sometimes people don’t struggle with infertility. They just decide, right, let’s make a baby and they have lots of lovely sex. And it’s wonderful. Right?

George Faller 14:29
So if that’s one of your motives, that’s a healthy endeavor.

14:35
Mm hmm.

George Faller 14:36
All right. Making anything else you want to say about procreation, we could spend a whole podcast on the problems that they can create when it’s too much pressure and it’s not working and you start throwing miscarriages in and, you know, there’s a whole lot here that that brings layers of complexity. Right, but just to kind of highlight, you know, that the good intentions behind

Laurie Watson 14:58
I will just say, I know into my Children were created. Really? Yeah. How’s that? I remember that the night the sex. Like I, I remember the first time, I was a little confused, my body was a little mixed up and I thought I was about to start my period and I was actually oscillating. And so I told my husband Oh, let’s just go for it. I’m about to start my period and we were pregnant. Right away. And then second baby was, I also felt myself that there was more difficulties, I’d had a miscarriage. And so the doctor said, you know, don’t try again. And I felt myself oscillating. And we’ve gone through this period of infertility and I just looked at my husband I said, I’m oscillating you want to go for and so we did and it both both times. I like distinctly remember those sexual moments. Yeah, that’s so cool.

George Faller 15:49
Yeah, I think I think

Laurie Watson 15:51
not that my children would mind now that gosh, how gross right? I don’t know that. I remember the SEC that created them.

George Faller 15:58
Was it fair to say that this is something thing that women tend to think more about, because you are the one obviously, you have to think about your period and the timing. And, you know, for guys, it’s something we could do a better job with. They really try to understand, you know, how that is an area to engage with something that’s on your mind a lot more often.

Laurie Watson 16:19
Yeah, maybe, maybe. So I, I think if I were a man, I would definitely track my wife’s period. You know, like having calendar. That would just be smart. But I mean, yeah, I think my husband knows those moments too. Cuz he knew we were trying. I don’t know if he remembers the sex as well as I do that.

George Faller 16:39
So it’s not such a good strategy to to get surprised and frustrated every time you’re part of this period comes

Laurie Watson 16:46
is not such

George Faller 16:47
a great strategy. All right. write a note down with this one goes

Laurie Watson 16:54
you’re just getting benefits from doing the podcast track. You know, there’s an app now George, on your phone. Really? Yeah, you can just put in the period, and then it tracks it for you. Pretty soon it’ll predict it for you. So you should do that. Oh, yeah. Davey for the period to a lot of women really horny just for the record, so take advantage of that man.

George Faller 17:20
Well, I appreciate folding this one into the motives because it’s, it is an important part of the process that probably doesn’t get a lot of the conversation unless you’re trying to have a child right. But even when you’re not trying to have a child, it’s still in the it’s in the background there. Right. It might be a concern, a fear or caution. Something that is it would be helpful for you talk about that’s so true. All right. Last one, hoping hoping

Laurie Watson 17:46
All right. So people have sex because they feel stressed out. They want to escape their day. They want to have some good ending to a terrible day, right? I mean, if you have sex after a bad day, good Day. All right, yeah. And it’s, it’s fine. I think it becomes problematic when you’re using sex that way frequently and your partner’s on board with it. Like, oh, you just want to you just want to have sex so that you can go to sleep. I hear that one a lot, right? I’m like, Well, I liked it. It’s really

George Faller 18:19
important to normalize that this is a motivation. You’re not wrong or bad because you want to have a quickie and fall asleep. I get the problematic if that becomes the norm, but that just to give permission, everyone out there that if if your body feels that, like a little orgasm right now would really feel great to go to sleep. That’s a healthy motivation to have.

Laurie Watson 18:42
Yeah, it’s, it’s great. I mean, so many people love that orgasm in an app that’s, that’s beautiful. Or just to take yourself out of, I mean, whatever kind of frustration and it’s been a day with the children like suddenly you get to be a woman instead of just a mother. But somehow or another, escaping the stress is a great motivation for science.

George Faller 19:07
And you can see if that becomes the norm, why that creates problems, because it’s really focused on the release. And there’s really not a lot of time in that for the emotional connection for the intimacy,

Laurie Watson 19:21
but all kinds of sex. Yeah, in a long term relationship, we’re going to have all kinds of sex. Like you said before last podcast, one in 10 is not going to be great. You know, so So what, you know, as long as you have 10 now, and most of it is good, you know, maybe, maybe it’s just okay to, I think, I think relieving stress is a great motive for sex.

George Faller 19:48
See, the big smile on Lori’s face is she says that

Laurie Watson 19:52
going to sleep man works for me. Well, yeah,

George Faller 19:56
I I find that helpful. If I’m just taking 10 sexual encounters and one’s going to be problematic and maybe not so great. Maybe another two or three are going to just be stress relievers. You know, then another two or three are going to be really focused on the emotional bond and really that that that affection attention and for play to really kind of make us, you know, and then who knows, maybe the other two, which is some kind of focus on pleasure or erotic or something differently, but just to listen is to come up with a plan in your head, like, what do you how do you mix things up? And it’s okay, if you want all nine to be one way is that work for your partner? But again, how do we have these conversations that try to get people as much in sake as possible?

Laurie Watson 20:43
Yeah, I think the issue with coping and stress maybe, maybe if it’s male, and he wants a quickie because he has to get to sleep or he’s too stressed out. She’s probably not going to get what she needs, but she could use a vibrator and it could be fast for both of them. Like I think about a lot of couples will be very happy if they had Tuesday night quickie sex and Saturday morning long, loving, you know, wonderful sex where they take time to really feel and have pleasure and intimacy. I think if if they were having sex twice a week, and I know that that’s not enough for some people, but I really do not think I’d see them as clients ever. Right? The majority of people if they had at least that much they could get by.

George Faller 21:34
Yeah, I saw a stat that the average frequency is six to seven times a month.

Laurie Watson 21:39
So that’s one and a half times a week. Right?

George Faller 21:43
And that there is a slight decline in frequency as we get older, but there’s an increasing side and that’s it. No, but you missed the second part, okay. With a slight decline in frequency there is an increase in satisfaction. That’s good. That goes against the myth that it’s all this hot young sex that actually old people are having the best sex. Right? Because they are incorporating more of these five motives that we’re talking about. Right? They’re being more emotionally engaged. I like to simplify it by saying what we, we so often repeat on this podcast? It’s about the brain, the body and the heart. Right? How do we make room for all three of them to show up during sex? And it seems like all the couples are doing a better job of breaking their heart and focusing on their emotional connection. They’re more aware of their bodies, the importance of it more be more than just a general right? They gotta focus on everything. And bringing in that mind, how could they bring in fantasy eroticism? Whatever.

Laurie Watson 22:47
That’s good. I like that. So heart, brain and body George so the heart would be the intimate expression of love. Sex gives us so the body would be pleasure and coping. We release stress We feel pleasure and the brain. So the brain is really the approval one. And the body of course, procreation too, I guess. But the approval is something’s going on in our mind that we want to resolve some conflict about connection, something that we are needing for security, something that, you know, will make us feel better about the relationship. That might be the mind.

George Faller 23:27
But I also think about it may work on outside the box a little bit here. But that whole need for mystery and novelty and different positions and fantasy, right just raises the levels of engagement in a relationship and I think for a lot of couples, that’s part of the motive, what they’re looking for what they’re going to get from that is more pleasure. They’re going to get more of a connection, right? But we really want to find ways of engaging operate in this process.

Laurie Watson 23:57
I also think what you said mystery And around novelty. You know, that’s also intimate, right? Because it’s sharing myself with my partner. I mean, we have to be really brave, to let them into the things that we think about that are mysterious to us or maybe having a part that enlivens us that we just share the life part with our partner. Right?

George Faller 24:23
I found that really helpful, Laurie, just to zoom out and try to see a broad perspective of different motives around sex. And we don’t have to force people into boxes. You can do your heart, your brain, your body, you know, this need for intimacy, pleasure, relieving stress. The whole idea is to, to explore to get curious, which ones are really important, and you really do a good job of which ones might be really important to your partner that maybe you don’t do such a great job of. And how do you find areas to continue to explore and grow

Laurie Watson 25:00
and where is your cutting edge? Where Which one? Do you need kind of the work on? Is it expressing more intimacy or growing in your own body’s pleasure and understanding your own body or what would make it better?

George Faller 25:14
What would make it that is a great question.

Laurie Watson 25:17
Okay. Thanks for listening to CarPlay radio,

George Faller 25:21
keep it hot and keep exploring.

Laurie Watson 25:23
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George Faller 25:32
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Announcer 25:35
calling your questions to the four play question voicemail dial 833 my four play that’s 833 the number four play and we’ll use the questions for our mailbag episodes. All content is for entertainment purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for therapy by a licensed clinician or as medical advice from a doctor.