Show Transcript for Episode 247: 12 Ways to Get Better in Bed for Guys

Laurie Watson 00:00
Today is September 11, the 19th anniversary of the terrorist attacks on our country. And we want to dedicate this podcast episode to the first responders, the firefighters, the police officers, the emergency workers in New York City, Washington, and for flight 93.

Announcer 00:19
The following content is not suitable for children.

George Faller 00:22
Laurie, today, the sex improvement plan. How about that?

Laurie Watson 00:31
Welcome to foreplay radio couples in sex therapy. I’m Laurie Watson, your sex therapist.

George Faller 00:36
And I’m George Faller, your couples therapist

Laurie Watson 00:39
and we are passionate about talking about sex and helping you develop a way to talk to each other.

George Faller 00:44
Our mission is to help our audience develop a healthier relationship to sex that integrates the mind, the heart and the body.

Laurie Watson 00:54
For a great personal lubricant, please check out Uber lube.com and use the coupon Partly to support us at the podcast. Thanks.

George Faller 01:03
Here we go okay, for too long I think we’re the field is full of global ideas and be more intentional or just be more affection and all this global stuff that I don’t take too practical. I like focus specific details targets give me goals, something I can measure. I know if I’m making progress or not. I know I do that with when I’m working out how much am I bench? Am I going up? Am I going down? How many reps I like numbers, this stuff should add up. And too often the way we talk about sex is I’ll just be nicer to each other be more affection. I don’t know. It’s a little bit too confused, the more romantic, be more romantic on a date night, whatever it is,

Laurie Watson 01:45
How many times are you doing these days? See,

George Faller 01:47
I still do my sets of 25 I don’t do how many sets of 25 Ellison that’s just between me and myself. I’m not competing against anyone else. But today, we’re gonna get we’re gonna get tactical. We’re gonna come up with a plan that measures the problem. And more importantly, gives us a way to see if we’re making success and what our goals where do we want to be? Okay, so you’re ready? I’m ready. All right, so the first thing I want to do is I want to break sex down into pre sex. What’s all these hours before days before the foreplay, like before the sexual act itself? Yeah. How are we doing with that area? Okay. What is the sex like? The sex I would call the immediate foreplay and up to the orgasm, right? The sexual act itself, in bed, in bed

02:40
or in the kitchen?

George Faller 02:42
On the washing machine, wherever, wherever rocks, you’re right. And then we’re gonna go post after the orgasm, that afterglow period, what do you do? Okay, so I want those three areas we’re going to study pre during post

Laurie Watson 02:59
with going to rain ourselves. We’re going to try to figure out how we need to improve there to have a better experience altogether. Yes, we’re going to try to talk really specifically.

George Faller 03:12
Yes. And again, when we’re rating ourselves, it’s not in the spirit of being judgmental and hating ourselves. It’s just trying to identify kind of, honestly, if I was a fly in the wall, what would I see? What would what would happen in your room? Is it if you’re not happy with that number, then that’s a good that’s a good target to show improvement. If you are happy with a low number. Hey, whatever works for you. Right? But now we’re going to break down into four categories, your heart, how emotionally engaged to you, how focused Are you on the emotional bond to your relationship, the mind how engaged Are you with your erotic part of who you are thinking about sex and the fun creativeness of that How focused Are you on your body and body? We’re going to break into two parts body, your overall body, your toes, your head, your fingers, your skin, all those good parts, and your genitals. How focused Are you on your genital? So it’s going to be your mind, your heart, your body globally, and more specifically, your genitals. Those four areas we’re going to talk about,

Laurie Watson 04:24
okay, fine. All right, an interesting one. Okay, we’re gonna

George Faller 04:29
wait. We’re gonna give a one to 10 score on each one with your heart, is you’re not paying attention to the heart. It’s not really so important. You’re not paying attention to the emotional bond. That’s a 110 would be you are super engaged. You’re in love. You are just, you can just feel the power of that bond. It’s like, you know, you just want to live in that moment forever.

Laurie Watson 04:54
Huh? Okay.

George Faller 04:56
One with your mind would be you’re not really paying attention you’re not engaging your mind you’re paying attention to other things,

Laurie Watson 05:05
the list the list of all you got to do.

George Faller 05:08
Okay? 10 would be you’re in a fantasy with your partner, you have incredible specific details, you are looking to bring novelty creativity, spunk into this, like your brain is super jazzed up around the sex and kind of what it wants to do and how it wants to play.

Laurie Watson 05:25
So you’re putting all your intellectual energy into it as well. I like that. Yeah, got it.

George Faller 05:32
One for the body would be I’m not paying attention to my body at all. I might be lost in my brain. I might be paying attention. More specifically just to my penis, like I’m not paying if I’m paying attention to my penis, right? I’m not paying attention to my toes, my skin, my forehead, my neck, my ears, all the different parts and sensations of touch that kind of allow our bodies to be more fully engaged.

05:58
I’ve decided you have a turning toe thing.

George Faller 06:01
I try to find out more about myself. That’s why I’ve given myself these scores. Right at 10 would be my whole body’s engaged. Okay, I can feel, you know, the back of my heels on the bed as are moving, right? I can feel my back like, my body I’m in tune. I your

Laurie Watson 06:16
sensuality is really present and you’re aware of all parts of your body. Right? Kind of Yeah. Okay, like that.

George Faller 06:26
And then the penis, right? If you are not focused on your penis, your focus on everything else, it’s just, you know, that might be that low score. Or, you know, a lot of men are super focused on that. It’s like, there’s so much pressure, there’s like, you know, are they going to maintain interaction and like, they’re just laser focus on that penis and everything else is kind of, yeah, that would be more that 10 score.

Laurie Watson 06:50
Is their penis horn already on that kind of stuff. But we’re talking about the mail. Yeah. All right now, so we’re not going to talk about well,

George Faller 06:58
we’re gonna do both right um, Gonna do an average Joe, like a typical guy might give these scores, you’re going to give an average Jane how they might score it and please, everybody, listen, we’re just throwing numbers out there. We’re having fun with this. We’re really just trying to start a conversation. There’s no right or wrong numbers here. Nobody’s I’ve never met somebody with a score, don’t have good reasons for that score. But what we’re trying to do is identify if it’s lower than you want, then we could start coming up with a plan for how do we increase that and much more specific focus ways?

Laurie Watson 07:28
Okay, so this is a way to help people become aware of where they’re at currently. And then how to move to sort of the next level in all these different areas.

George Faller 07:39
Yes. Okay. So I’ll let’s start off with with average Joe, how he might score average Joe, Joe don’t know what might be the pre sex before we’re actually engaged in the act. What might those scores be

Laurie Watson 07:58
Joe? What’s your presets number?

George Faller 08:02
Four,

Laurie Watson 08:03
four. Can you describe four to me? What makes you a four?

George Faller 08:08
No presets you got to get specific here for the auto body, the penis the mind, what are you talking about? We’re gonna go

Laurie Watson 08:14
Okay, so I want to know what your presets is for your heart, your ear saying I’m an average for

George Faller 08:24
now my heart score would be probably like a three I’m not so intentional about paying attention to the emotional bond towel romantic I’m feeling that’s that’s a lower score for me. I give it a three.

Laurie Watson 08:39
Okay, what about your mind?

George Faller 08:42
My mind I would probably give a highest score like six or seven. My mind’s already racing thinking about, you know, when we could have sex what might it look like? might we try something different? My that scores is I think a

Laurie Watson 08:58
higher score. Okay. higher than average? Yes. If five is an average here,

George Faller 09:03
I’d say seven.

Laurie Watson 09:04
Okay. So here is seven. Yeah. Okay, that’s, that’s good. So your mind is really an image. Yeah. And when you use presets, where’s your body?

George Faller 09:18
I would give that a low score, I’d say my, my body wide, say my body is probably about a two or three.

Laurie Watson 09:27
So that means that your, what does that mean? In terms of like your sensuality and your arousal?

George Faller 09:36
I think I’ve noticed my penis score would, would be higher. Because I’m noticing the arousal there. Like as I start thinking about it, I noticed the arousal there, but that’s the only area I’m really noticing. I’m really not noticing the other parts of my body.

Laurie Watson 09:50
I just want to say something about this because I think this is so interesting. Men always tell me that they say that. The minute they think about sex They have like a feeling at the base of their penis. Do you think that that’s true for most men?

George Faller 10:06
Yes.

Laurie Watson 10:08
God, I just gotta say women are killed for that.

George Faller 10:13
Well, I think there’s a cost to that too because of that immediate response you’re then not really noticing anything else.

Laurie Watson 10:20
So you’re not noticing like your skin or or maybe your touch needs and other ways or other things

George Faller 10:31
right. You know, I might want to stretch I might want there might be a tension there might be an anticipation in my stomach. If I was more intentional about notice in my body, there’s a lot more going on and just in my penis, but I just have not really had any help listening to that. Hmm.

Laurie Watson 10:50
Okay, so what number was it for pre

George Faller 10:55
I for the pre I would say my body was like a two and my penis You’d probably be like a five or six. Okay.

Laurie Watson 11:03
Okay, Joe.

George Faller 11:05
All right.

Laurie Watson 11:05
Okay, now I don’t want to have to average that I just like I like this number separate.

George Faller 11:10
Yes. They make sense to me. Maybe we’ll just take Joe through the whole process. And then we’ll switch him. Well, maybe

Laurie Watson 11:15
we’re gonna have to take Joe through this whole episode. I mean, this is like, we got to get into this. All right, well, because it’s gonna it’s gonna take a while. Okay, so Joe, during sex switches, pull down the sheets to orgasm. Tell me about your heart. What? What’s going on in your heart? What’s your number?

George Faller 11:40
I give it a low score. Probably a three. Again, because I’m not really so paying attention to really focus in on the orgasm. And on the penis, the penis score is going to be high. You know, I don’t want to lose interaction. I want to make sure you know so I think there’s there’s more My penis goal probably would be a six a seven again.

Laurie Watson 12:04
So you think man when they come into the bed normally are erect. So you said I don’t want to lose an erection?

George Faller 12:11
Yes. I mean, I think that’s, and I don’t want to have to think too much about losing it and a pressure that.

Laurie Watson 12:19
So that’s really I mean, if they’re just okay, we bypass the heart, but let me just stick with the penis for a minute. So if they’re worried about losing their erection, they’re already anxious. Don’t you think that that’s pushing them toward intercourse pretty quickly so that they know that it can stay hard until they get to intercourse? And that means let’s get to it.

George Faller 12:40
I think that’s very common. Again, these scores can be all over the place, depending on the person and their own experiences. But on average, I think the door and sex is pretty similar to the precepts. My heart’s not so engaged. My body’s not so engaged is average Joe. The erotic score is going to be Hi, I’m thinking about your mind do a different mind. Right? Can we do a different position? Can we have, you know, something new brought in Can you know, that’s why so many men think about pornography, it’s you know, it’s a way of keeping that erotic focus and that penis focus.

Laurie Watson 13:17
So they’re thinking about pornography while they’re in bed

George Faller 13:20
is so men because they don’t want to feel like they want to make sure they can have an orgasm, that they’re using that to kind of push them over the edge, which is getting them you know, again, out of the moment, right there focus on on their head in their in their penis and not so much on that emotional connection that that physical rest of their body sensation.

Laurie Watson 13:40
I don’t think I’ve told you this. Maybe I have, but I had a patient who he’s hilarious. Just so funny. He talks a lot about stuff. And he says, It’s like when you’re in bed. He says you’re trying to keep your attraction. So you’re thinking about hot women. But then you don’t want to you don’t want to comics too fast. So you’re thinking about dead kittens. like hot women deck okay so the heart is still kind of low you’re not necessarily engaged with your partner you’re trying to fill your mind with erotic cycles to keep the erection going. And you’re so your mind is racing and your body is very penile centric at that point. So are you aware of other touches like if your partner is touching your back your skin kissing your neck? Wanting to kiss is that like important? I think that’s all good but not so important. So George’s shaking his head I just want y’all know.

George Faller 14:37
Let’s Let’s finish Joe and then we’ll take a break.

Laurie Watson 14:40
Okay, we’re not getting to Jane today do well,

George Faller 14:43
so let’s

Laurie Watson 14:44
we can do Jane next episode.

George Faller 14:47
After the orgasm.

Laurie Watson 14:48
Yeah, after the orgasm.

George Faller 14:50
Right now my penis score finally drops. Ah going to be a high score there. We can kind of forget about that all day. What What does what is interested in those lower scores, the heart and the body now really start to increase after sex for Joe. All right, so Joe is really wanting that cuddle afterwards. He’s really now paying attention to feeling like I felt really good, I feel really connected, the hug becomes important, the spooning becomes important. So those scores, probably the body and the heart start to increase to about, you know, six or seven from a three.

Laurie Watson 15:29
And does he want to touch at that point, like other kinds of tasks, you know, massage and skin and all of that is like he can receive that at that point because the tension is ever

George Faller 15:41
Yep, much more open and then the erotic part of the brain kind of turns off too. So that’s what drops

Laurie Watson 15:47
and doesn’t want to touch and I know I know. We’re at time

George Faller 15:52
that time No. Well, let’s take a listen Joe.

Laurie Watson 15:55
Just cut

George Faller 15:57
out a lot whole lot he brought up here. There’s lots of questions so we’ll get back to them afterwards. I

Laurie Watson 16:06
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George Faller 17:43
Right in partnering with us is it’s really an honor to know people are joining us on this mission that this is a an effort to produce and for the listeners to put aside time and we hope that’s valuable, but when when we joined forces, it’s just a lot easier. To get that message out there, so we so appreciate the support both financial and just to make those ratings and to spread the word, because our world really needs it.

Laurie Watson 18:12
It has and we get so many letters from people, not just patrons that are grateful for what we’re doing and say it’s changing their lives. And so if you want to help us change the world, we would appreciate that support. And certainly, this is something that our hearts are in and we’ve given a lot to and you can join with us. So I am fascinated, Joe, with all that you’re saying this is so interesting, you know, it’s like this, this real look inside the way a man is experiencing it. Gosh,

George Faller 18:47
you realize there’s more going on underneath the hood that what appears

Laurie Watson 18:53
there is

George Faller 18:54
that I think it’s fun for the Joes out there written the chains which we’re going to get to to just kind of break To start in more specific parts yeah to really get curious if you don’t know a score, you’re not really sure that’s just your way your body saying right spend a little bit more time. Yeah.

Laurie Watson 19:10
Okay, so Joe, it’s after sacks, he’s in the afterglow, I just want to finish this up a little bit. Okay. And he is now way open to touch. What What about touching? Like when he’s in the moment, touching and how does that relate to his heart, his body and his mind? Is that like the touching is about things that are gonna move him forward in terms of excitement, or

George Faller 19:46
do I think the touch with the ethical was more about really appreciating the strength of the connection, that you’ve just experienced an orgasm and now your body’s kind of filling with oxytocin And you’re feeling the calmness. A lot of people describe the sleepiness coming now, right but that’s that that idea of coddling of your your partner in in your arms, right in your body just kind of melding together, right that you’re going to stroke your partner’s back or you might rub your partner’s hair as your partner scratches your back and like this after pot, it’s really just the body feeling gratitude and appreciation. A dis sense of just like, wow, this is special. We’re good for each other. Right? It’s it’s that that’s where the love really comes out the most.

Laurie Watson 20:36
Hmm. So what Joe’s heart is like filled with gratitude and, like I love this woman just kind of what is Joe’s heart, feeling in that moment that afterglow?

George Faller 20:52
Exactly that the love the appreciation that just feeling in sync with somebody that that sense of just being in a moment Like, everything’s good, all the stress is gone, all the pressures have gone. It’s just kind of in that moment just

Laurie Watson 21:07
very present. very present in that moment. And I love what you said just kind of the stress obliviated life is concentrated right now. Exactly.

George Faller 21:20
And again, a lot of people don’t realize that that afterwards for the average Joe, this emotional and the body scores really increase. This need to cuddle is not something that just do an obligatory they, they, they need it themselves, and it’s how they can be vulnerable. But that’s really what it is. It’s the most vulnerable state where you just don’t need to perform don’t need to do it’s just your body’s being accepted. Does that’s why that acceptance and gratitude and safety. It’s probably the safest moment. For the average Joe,

Laurie Watson 21:55
tell me that. You said one thing, one little thing they don’t need to perform I’m anymore.

George Faller 22:01
Again, there’s all this pressure to perform, is my partner going to orgasm? Am I going to maintain it or images, a lot of pressure that you know, once that is off now it’s just about being in that moment. It’s like I was able to perform. I felt great. My partner feels great, both of us accepting and loving each other. Now this this, there’s so much room for the emotional component.

Laurie Watson 22:23
Mm hmm. And is this when men want to open up and talk you think or are they just want to be in the physical? No, that was not that was a please me say yes. But that was that was a no,

George Faller 22:35
it’s a big question. It’s just so all over the place. Sometimes men just want to fall asleep as a great way to fall asleep. And sometimes it’s a great time to talk about like, How lucky are we I mean, this, why don’t we do this more often. And sometimes they might want to just now you seize that opportunity to kind of improve it. So there’s a million ways they can go, but the level of engagement can tend to be really high afterwards,

Laurie Watson 22:59
so they don’t want to tell about their relationship they want to talk about how do we do this better? This was so great.

George Faller 23:08
I feel let’s talk about how great it is. Let’s let’s high five each other. Did you like that? That was pretty amazing. Was that the best ever? I mean, that’s you’re just looking for good stuff.

Laurie Watson 23:19
Okay, awesome. Thank you, Joe, for sharing all that

George Faller 23:25
a bit. A lot of Joe’s out there having these conversations. And we don’t, unfortunately get a lot of practice talking about these things or thinking about these things. So what we did in the first part is identify how can we assess our scores? Because then if we’re not happy with our scores, what’s the plan for improving them? So that’s what we’re going to do now? How can Joe improve these four areas pre during and post sex?

Laurie Watson 23:53
Yeah, this is a little This is a little tricky, just because I can see how we need the Jane to help The Chow

George Faller 24:01
course Yeah, this is a dance. But you need both people and they could feed off each other either positively or negatively. But for the remainder of this, let’s just kind of buzz through what Joe might be able to do. All right. So if Joe notice is his hot is not so engaged pre.

24:19
Right?

George Faller 24:20
Right? How do you become more intentional about that if you don’t like your score? Hmm. You might want to think about even a memory of prior events. Or you think about your wedding or your honeymoon, have a great date, like just thinking about your partner is more than just a physical, but just kind of thinking about the engagement dancing together, kind of. It’s amazing what even a memory can do to stop prime and not hot to stop becoming more engaged in a process. Right and if you’re priming the pot, it’s also a good way of starting to check in with the body. How do you do that? Check in scan of your whole body. Where are you are you feeling a little anticipate Little nervousness in your stomach? Do you feel a little bit of tension in your neck? Can you feel your hands kind of excited? How do we even do that scan and I that’s what I would encourage my listeners do a body scan, just incorporate that into your pre. Most of us never even doing it. But the very fact that you do it, you’ll start seeing how much more is actually going on besides just your penis to start increasing those body scores to get a little bit higher. Mm hmm.

Laurie Watson 25:29
So like excited hands in terms of excited to touch kind of hands.

George Faller 25:34
Yeah, it could be excited. It could be nervous. I mean, a lot of men feel that in their hands and don’t even notice that right? How do you kind of just just honor what your hands are trying to do? right what they’re waiting for what they did you know, they’re already anticipating what could happen Mm hmm. Right for a lot of men that trying to lower the penis score, they’re not be so focused on the pressure that or the you know, that just this is about engaging and being present. So again, sometimes people might Want to lower scores instead of higher? No,

Laurie Watson 26:02
this is you this is just a random idea. But you know like kitten in the shower together and like having bodies slide all over bodies. I mean that might be a way to increase your entire body experience.

George Faller 26:17
Yes. Well now you’re in the Doron sexpot. Right well you’re talking about that as

Laurie Watson 26:22
I was thinking in that before sex I guess yeah, I guess you’d be touching each other right so

George Faller 26:29
okay, I think the all of that touch going on in the shower it’s hard to see that is the act itself but maybe to take go we’d go eat dinner afterwards and take a break and then kind of weak you can be but you know, again, I think notice in my mind is it really arouse pre focus in on different things. What could be Oh, oh, you gonna bring a toy in? Are we going to think about this? Or are we going to say some words whatever. Right, that’s the mind part of it. Right? If you’re happy with your score if you’re not, you know, how do you to be more intentional to kind of incorporate that beforehand?

Laurie Watson 27:10
I would definitely say what I hear from women in terms of the mind engagement is clever and innuendo. I mean, women are just suckers for, you know, talking about how beautiful they are saying something clever. I mean, some women, I suppose respond to junior high kind of jokes, but a lot of women really want something that is seductive, and, and smart.

George Faller 27:40
Yeah. Going back, well, this could be a whole nother episode on what women could help men increase these scores, because that really would be important. Like, how do you have these lines that are going to be more attuned to land well for them? True. So let’s switch towards the sex itself. Did you notice you’re an average Joe in your heart scores low. How does it become more intentional? To make eye contact? to focus on how your heart is feeling? Can you bring that gratitude? And can you feel that sense of warmth? Right, which is just your heart communicating that there’s something emotional, spiritual, that’s really important that’s happening here.

Laurie Watson 28:22
I think, the eye contact that you just said, that really resonates with me, because it’s so you know, having somebody look at you is so vulnerable. Look at you in the eyes. Sure. I mean, certainly, look at your body that’s vulnerable to but looking at you in the eyes is, is very person to person. That’s a beautiful thing.

George Faller 28:46
And how do you if you want your body score to increase? How do you do that body scan that says How are my shoulders doing here? How are my feet doing there? I go again, right but as it’s rubbing against the bed, or can you feel your neck Your inner thighs, your chest, there’s so many areas your skin is your greatest sex organ. How do we just take a moment to notice how it’s speaking to us?

Laurie Watson 29:09
You know, one of the things you said that men feel this, this pressure that they got to have an erection coming into the bed, and then they got to keep it until they get to intercourse. That’s just a very high expectation. I mean, George, if you’re over 30 I mean, it’s just not gonna happen and and so the man has to be able to speak about how he likes to be touched and what he’s needing and, you know, I mean, it’s just, it’s gonna go up and

George Faller 29:44
up and down, and we go again, the other end with that, well, that’s the weightiness that these women love. And then love it too. Well, we got to hear lorien again, we’re hoping for is we’re just starting the conversation. Once now. You go to the after glow, you go into the after sex. Like if you want your score to in priest increase. You want your heart and your body to scores focus on the coddling focus on the touch, focus on if your score is really low, you might want to say to your penis, thank you, you know now, you know, let’s see, this is great like it’s still part of you afterwards is just a notice that I mean there’s so many ways and I don’t want people to feel like the scores that we just threw out there as an average Joe should be your score, right? This gives you a freedom, whatever it is the spiritual or trying to do is if you identified a score that’s lower than you want, then you can come up with a targeted plan for increasing that. And what we guarantee is if your numbers increase, the way you experience sex will improve and be enhanced and the levels of engagement and vitality will increase with it. So let’s come up with this plan. And let’s More importantly, put it into practice.

Laurie Watson 30:58
Okay, and let’s go talk about Average Jane That sounds fun to

George Faller 31:01
I’m looking forward.

31:02
Yes. Okay. Thanks for listening to play radio.

George Faller 31:06
Keep it hot. Pay for

Laurie Watson 31:08
play fam. This is an important day and a difficult day for my co host George Fowler. Many of you know and if you don’t already, please listen to his introductory episode that he was a first responder in the fire department on 911. He risked his life many, many times to look for survivors. And he lost so many friends and I would just love it. If you would join me on social media today. I know that 10s of thousands of you listen on our dropped days. So please join me over on foreplay radio at Facebook. We’ll have a post there and you can send your love to George your gratitude for his work here at foreplay as well as for his bravery and courage on 911 Thank you so much.

Announcer 31:50
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