Show transcript for Episode 248: Sexual Self Improvement Plan for Her

George Faller 00:01
Here we go today the sex improvement plan part two. Let’s talk about this plan for the average Jane sweetie Lake Laurie.

Laurie Watson 00:13
I’m excited if it’s Jane

George Faller 00:16
doesn’t take much to excite you does it?

00:19
Damn truth. All right.

Laurie Watson 00:24
Welcome to foreplay radio couples in sex therapy. I’m Laurie Watson, your sex therapist.

George Faller 00:30
And I’m George Faller, your couples therapist

Laurie Watson 00:32
and we are passionate about talking about sex and helping you develop a way to talk to each other.

George Faller 00:38
Our mission is to help our audience develop a healthier relationship to sex that integrates the mind, the heart and the body

Laurie Watson 00:47
are a great personal lubricant, please check out we believe.com and use the coupon foreplay to support us at the podcast.

George Faller 00:55
Thanks. So here we go. Last time we talked about the average Joe and ease Just getting more tactical, we want our listeners not just to enjoy some of what we’re saying, but to leave with a plan that says, How do we take this and incorporate this and measure tangible results? Okay, so again, we’re breaking it down. We’re trying to get people to notice, on a scale of one to 10, one being not so great. 10 being the best, how are they doing? pre sex, during sex, post sex, we’re breaking sex down into those three categories pre before anything ever happens the next day, whatever. I mean, a previous day, the sex act itself and afterwards, okay. All right. And what we’re really paying attention to is, what is the state of the heart? What is the state of the mind? And what is the state of the body being broken up into two parts, the genitals and the rest of our body? Right, we want to get this score on a one to 10. So here we go. Jane adverts chain before sex even happens siyang Hey, where I was before you’re doing dishes, you’re sitting in your office, whatever it is you’re doing, what would you give yourself on your your heart score?

Laurie Watson 02:15
My heart score is high. I mean, it definitely is six or seven. You know, I’m, I’m trying to love thinking about creative ways, like what am I going to make for dinner? I know my husband loves you love salad. And so I’m thinking about the special dressing I’m gonna make I’m thinking about, you know, maybe I’ll stop at the store and I’ll brine the pork chops because I really know he loves that. And, you know, and I’m thinking about maybe the wine that he wants or he usually has drinks, so maybe, I don’t know, I just want I’m just like, focused on him thinking about our time together, thinking about I’m so grateful. It’s the end of the day, and we get to hang out together. So my heart score is really high.

George Faller 03:03
I can see it. Yeah. He says you just immerse yourself into details. It’s like you could just wander down that road. It’s well developed that.

Laurie Watson 03:10
Also it is absolutely. You know, how about now we’re gonna build a fire gun. Isn’t it fire time already? I’m so ready for that.

George Faller 03:20
What would your score be for your mind? How erotic is it?

Laurie Watson 03:24
Well, I would probably say a one. Wow. You know, I could think about us cuddling on the couch, maybe watching a movie. So affection is in my mind. You know, I’m definitely going to hug him when I see him grabbing. High heart score Gravis, so you didn’t hear that? I mean, so it’s definitely a one in terms of, you know, my, my mind is this my mind, right? It’s

George Faller 03:53
not really cute into focusing on.

Laurie Watson 03:57
Oh, no, no, I’m I’m not necessarily I I haven’t thought about sex yet. Nope. Nope. Again,

George Faller 04:03
very different than the average Joe Wright, who’s put a lot of work into this already. Oh, yeah. All right. So now let’s go into your body. How what would your body score be?

Laurie Watson 04:13
So my body score is longing to be touched. Like, but affection. It’s like I really look forward to that first hug. He usually gives me a really tight squeeze and we play this game where he won’t let me go and so it feels really good. You know, just to be held really tight and stuff like that. And so

George Faller 04:38
to be anticipating it sitting on your desk, your bodies are ready alive. You can feel the longing the one the hug the want to touch that score would be a what for you?

Laurie Watson 04:48
Yeah, that’s a five. Okay.

George Faller 04:52
Now, what would your genitals be?

Laurie Watson 04:54
Zero? Wow.

04:58
Say I have no

Laurie Watson 05:01
No tingle no thought Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Okay, I mean just really affectionate but but definitely not a sexual thought in my head

George Faller 05:16
which is why we’re trying to discern a difference between your overall physical body and your general yeah body is you are engaged with your body and it’s wanting touch and yet you’re there’s not there’s a disconnect it’s not really on your radar screen yet your general

Laurie Watson 05:32
yeah I love to touch and love to be touched I mean, I walk past my head I don’t think I ever walk past my husband and not touch him and you know I just all kinds of fun things like that. Like I squeezed his biceps and you know, I do all kinds of fun touch things but no, no, absolutely zero.

George Faller 05:53
Very interested in school as I’m learning a lot here.

Laurie Watson 05:57
The savage James

George Faller 05:58
having carriage Jane and average show really coming out this week from very different places. Yeah All right. So let’s get into the sex itself. Now you got a little foreplay you’re you’re into intercourse How would you assess those same for how’s your how’s your heart during sex itself?

Laurie Watson 06:18
Okay so you know i’m i’m going to distinguish a little intercourse from sex. So I would say that I come into it and now anxiety is present so my touch you know my my body experience is lower actually. It’s probably like three. I mean I enjoy the warmth. I enjoy skin on skin, but my anxiety is starting to be pervasive. my genitals are at zero.

George Faller 06:56
You don’t see my eyes but they’re popping out of my

06:58
I saw your eyes like what

Laurie Watson 07:02
OSI storage. And you know, my, well let me jump in

George Faller 07:07
here, cuz you’re racing and I will lie like, that is shocking to me that your body scores higher before sex than during sex what the anxiety actually does to you, right? You’ve been wanting this touch and this cuddle and this. And yet when it’s common Theo because of that anxiety, all of a sudden the score drops. I’m like,

Laurie Watson 07:29
wow. Exactly, exactly, because now suddenly, I feel this pressure, he’s gonna want me to have an orgasm. He’s gonna want me to want it. And, and I really feel that pressure this. He wants me to want it. He wants me to be expressive about wanting it. He wants my body to respond and suddenly I feel so tense about that my my body score drops and I think my my score. There’s it is actually dropping to not that I don’t want to make him happy, or please him I do. But again, I have a lot of dread that I won’t performance, so I won’t please Him. And so I’m starting to withdraw my heart. You know, it’s like, Man, you know, afterwards he’s gonna want to talk about it, you know, just getting into the bed was a mind shift for me. So, I mean, I get into bed and he has an erection, right? And I’m like, man, I am at zero. And so all this performance anxiety is coming over me and I’m, I’m actually feeling more separate from him. In my mind, and my mind is just like so my mind is Going down to I mean, lower score in terms of

George Faller 09:05
the write this down. I need to see the numbers changing. So I just need to backtrack. So I mean, it’s fascinating. You’re what I’m learning here is, you know, pre sex, you’re really focused on what you want. And your body’s responding to that too long and for touch, your heart is engaged. But during the sex itself, those those scores drop, right because you’re now focused on how am I going to respond and show them interested and do all that stuff? Yeah, I’m getting ready to to focus in on on performance. Yeah, shift really low. So your heart score was high. It was seven, and it’s drop into what? Three? Okay, your body score which was like a six or seven

Laurie Watson 10:00
My affection score was six or seven. Yeah.

George Faller 10:03
And it’s dropped into what?

Laurie Watson 10:05
Like, three and four, maybe two. You know, because I, I’m suddenly like, you know, it’s become so focused, and I’m feeling like he, there’s this rush. And so I am not in that same space of feeling playful like okay, I can enjoy the whole sensation of my body and I would say it’s also dropping because I’m really worried about how he’s thinking about me naked. You know, it’s like, I, I would love to be relaxed and feel the skin on skin that I need to feel more arousal, but I’m really worried about what he’s thinking about me naked. So that’s like, like, yeah, regulating my experience and, and frankly, the shower would have worked.

George Faller 11:07
So let’s just finish this up. Let’s finish just say during sex itself so your general score, which was really low is also low here.

Laurie Watson 11:16
Oh yeah, I mean, I’d say zero.

George Faller 11:19
Okay, now here’s another important one your mind Well, what’s it doing? It was low it was at a 01. Now what is it here? What are you doing to stay engaged? You find like you’re going into more erotic places to try to get yourself going.

Laurie Watson 11:33
No, no, no. I am like frantic How am I get? How am I going to rev the engine? Oh my god, how am I gonna rev the engine and, you know, I don’t want to fantasize because I want to be present with my husband. So I I feel guilty and bad. If I’m thinking about something else. How are your revenue engines? Um, that’s a really good question. I’m I’m starting to be frustrated. I’m starting To be frustrated at him because he doesn’t really know how to run my engines and frustrated with myself. So then I feel this little irritation, which is separating me further. And I just I don’t know how to read the engines. I don’t know how to read the engines.

George Faller 12:18
So what’s your score

Laurie Watson 12:21
to one

George Faller 12:24
of the prestea? For j? There’s a lot of low scores.

Laurie Watson 12:28
Do you know that when my son, my, my eldest son, he was young at the time, actually, but he he’s a really good writer, and he helped me edit my book. And when he got done, he came to me and he and he was crying. He said, Mom, I feel so bad for what women have to go through. I mean, literally, you know, read. Yeah, he was he was literally so touched and crying and he was, I don’t know, it’s like 20.

George Faller 12:56
Well, it’s good to know we have to have the information that come up with a plan. To improve that, yeah, when we come back we’re gonna get to see what happens to Jay. After sex.

Laurie Watson 13:05
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Laurie Watson 14:25
George has a new module out for success and vulnerability. This is for all US therapists who listen to us both EFT and anybody who’s doing couples work, I just invite you to this. It’s a fabulous training. Success. invulnerability.com is how you reach this and enroll. And this particular episode is really going to be about how to work with escalated couples, couples who are angry and critical and in trouble and you know, he feels like the session is going really well and then at the worst time possible. They’re probably Honor interrupts and the next thing you know, you just feel like all you’ve got is a thimble full of water to dump on this fire that is going crazy and that the session has gone all wrong. And he takes this module. And he helps equip you with sort of practical tools of what to do in those key moments, which actually do occur even when you’re doing good work. So but basically, you can take control of the session back again, success and vulnerability.com for all our couples therapists. If you want some specific help from George, I encourage you to enroll in this. George is the finest teacher I know.

George Faller 15:41
Okay, sit on the edge of my seat waiting for the better news here. So we got to have a little bump in the sky somehow some something’s happening here, Laurie, tell me so.

Laurie Watson 15:52
So anyway, I think at some point, maybe 25 minutes in She starts just it’s like this little flame starts to catch fire suddenly. And it’s about a three like her body starts to feel about a three. And maybe maybe there was something that they did that kind of caught her.

George Faller 16:21
They there’s a few people now here this is that she must be it’s a fantasy something’s going on here. I don’t know how that they corrupt it here.

16:31
The two of them all right.

Laurie Watson 16:35
So I think at some point, and it really is a long time in that she, she starts to feel arousal. And, and it’s like, it’s not turned on. It’s hard to describe. It’s just like this beginning and she’s like, I mean, I think that Jane feels tremendous relief. like okay, something finally is happening in my body. I can feel something in my genitals now, okay? And she starts to feel a little more relaxed, him touching her breasts, her him touching her backside. You know, it’s like that can start to feel good again. But she definitely has a sense of rush. Like, oh gosh, you know, because certainly By this time, right, this is if this is 25 minutes in, she’s just hoping that he’s okay with that. So there’s a lot of self consciousness about, I think, how he’s coping with all this and probably telling herself you know, I took too long but the fact that something is turning on is feels really good and so she can smell Let her husband she can look at him. I think that at this point, they’ve been naked for 20 minutes, at least. And so she’s not as self conscious. He hasn’t run from the rooms, I guess it’s okay. And so she starts, her body starts to relax some. And it kind of at that point, I think she enters the central moment, like skin on skin starts to feel really good. I think there is something like as she starts to climb the mountain toward arousal, like there’s this moment maybe that in terms of overall experience, like she starts to perspire it, it can be like a moment, you know, like, one minute she’s, she’s just normal, and the next minute she’s perspiring. And that feels like a blush. And it’s like, Ah, good, you know, it’s happening. So, I think That, somewhat her mind engages now and the erotic thoughts she can start to think, ooh, I’d really like to do this. I’d really like him to do that to me, you know, maybe I’d like to have oral sex, I’d like to have this, that and the other. And so now her mind starts to engage in sexual thoughts, probably at that point she’s allowing, because she feels a little more relaxed. So she might be allowing memory, she might be allowing fantasies to come in. We’ll

George Faller 19:30
say next, a lot of women I work with described the importance of that, right of that erotic component to kind of as it starts to get up that mountain, ready to allow that brain to wander to think about things. That’s where the kind of risks will come in or kind of wanting to stretch the envelope. So you’re saying that once the body starts to wake up, it’s really create some momentum. That’s the build right now. And these numbers start to change

Laurie Watson 19:57
if I’m average Jane. Oh, man. The body has to wake up before that even becomes a possibility for me. You know, then there’s like, I think, as she goes up the mountain further, there becomes an intensity about the genitals. And there’s kind of this, like, how do I communicate what I’m needing? I think in terms of, if you think about the heart at this moment, there’s a sense of, too, I trust my partner, even if I love my partner, do I trust my partner to really be explicit about what’s going to get me there? And that’s, that seems to be kind of almost like a choice point. You know, I don’t know, you know, he’s doing that and it’s like, it’s kind of working. But you know, if he did that, it would be really good. But do I open my mouth and say that and so that’s, it’s like, I know, he loves me. I know. He’s told me million times he wants to hear that, but he’s off. And I’ve told him like 600 times, that’s not the place that’s kind of off. And so if I say that I’m really risking criticizing him, and then we’re gonna destroy this moment, there’s all this stuff going on in our head. And I think then there’s a point of orgasm like, and it’s almost like right before you get to orgasm, suddenly, I mean, it’s just this incredible experience of like, suddenly you are all in, in your body, you’re in your genitals, and nothing seems to matter. Like you’re not self conscious anymore. You’re really intensely in that moment. And then you have an orgasm. And it’s sort of like an out of mind experience so well, but it’s like vulnerability, right? This just, I think, I think doing that in front of your partner. Is this exquisite gift? Okay, I’m letting go in front of you. And so that’s

George Faller 22:11
that’s trust. That’s hard, though is mind consistent. Sounds like women have to be a bit complicated we can’t just give you a score for during sex there’s a 20 minute while it’s happening and then as the score changes, you know, as we approach orgasm after orgasm, so we’re gonna

22:31
Yeah, you’re

George Faller 22:34
we’re gonna need a hold this this Yeah, this grid thing, like my number is the cleanest I was looking for a bit confused, but it’s, it’s a great process. And again, I could feel what I’m learning as these numbers move and what makes them move in the right direction versus not and what we can do for that, which I want to get to. So let’s wrap this up with a post. Jane, what happens to you, you know, how do you feel after the orgasm? Yeah, in this afterglow place what would you give your, your heart school?

Laurie Watson 23:06
Definitely very high score. So like nine. Okay, just absolutely sense of merger and good one. Yeah, definitely. Hi, what’s

George Faller 23:20
your body school?

Laurie Watson 23:25
Kind of Yeah, a nine melted, you know melted in just this sense of feeling one feeling like feeling really relaxed for both affection and potentially more genital touching would depend.

George Faller 23:44
How about the so the general score is still online too?

Laurie Watson 23:48
Yeah. Oh yeah, I mean, cuz you know, sometimes you would just be absolutely done with that, but what other times you might think Okay, let’s do number two.

George Faller 23:58
Okay. And how about The the rest of your body

Laurie Watson 24:04
relaxed at peace being able to take in touch. And in a really nice way just yeah, I mean we say this right in therapy, you know, can you take that in and I think that in afterglow there’s a sense of being able to take in touch right

George Faller 24:27
well, really this is good news there’s some really high scores you have to go out apartment yeah awesome. All right. Well how do we change the

Laurie Watson 24:38
way you need it? He wanted to ask me about I don’t know what were you gonna put this category George but it’s like the the mind talking. You know like, also want to talk about this the DTR you know, the determine the relationship the state of the relay. Tip you know, want to want to not necessarily just talk about the sexual experience. So average Jane, you know could be could be just feeling it, not necessarily wanting to rehash it.

George Faller 25:17
I’m interested too we can get more into the nuances. What happens if you don’t have an orgasm to those numbers versus having a orgasm? That’s another podcast. Oh, come I don’t I don’t want to. We I want to make sure we leave with a couple tips on how to change these scars. Right. So we have a few minutes left here and with these pre scores right before these really how these low scores, right, it’s not your generals are not engaged. Your erotic mind is not engaged. Right, right. You had high scores with affection the hearts the body wants it like how would you increase those scores? Hmm.

Laurie Watson 25:58
I think that in the beginning Thinking about it. When when you’re thinking about making dinner and that bottle of wine, you’re thinking about, how am I going to feel relaxed? How am I going to feel maybe kind of more relaxed about sex? I mean, definitely. When you’re picking up the pork chops at the grocery store and the wine, you got to think about this romantic evening, what’s the arc can extend into the bedroom and what what might I like, you know, am I going to come home and take a bath first and really just relax and come into my body? I think about this really nice way for entering just not necessarily about each partner. I’m just talking about, you know, it’s winter and you got cold feet and you got to just like, wash the day off and sort of be in your body. So that might be something or are just some sort of prime that can connects you mind and body, you know, because all day long you’re sort of in your mind. You’re in the rush of coming home and all that. And so how do you how do you even connect mind and body so you got to do that intentionally.

George Faller 27:14
Which when you are dating that was happening, you take a shower and shave your legs and think about what we’re gonna do where we go into dinner, what’s going to happen afterwards. And for a lot of times men that’s confused like how the sexes fall off the radar screen because for men it doesn’t well, you know that average Joe is thinking about it during the day. Right? So I appreciate that just just trying to be more intentional beforehand, the prime that pump to even think about it, right and then you have sex itself, these scores, you know, starting off really low,

Laurie Watson 27:44
get into something more comfortable. Getting into something more comfortable. Alright, like when you change your work clothes, like, think about that. Okay, go ahead. Sorry.

George Faller 27:56
Well, I feel bad that we were running. We ran out of time here for these Same conversations but again, if this is really the start of something was really trying to get people to just pause, reflect upon their their lovemaking and things that work in their mind, their hearts, their bodies, their genitals that, right and if you’re not happy with those numbers, there are concrete, tangible, specific things that you can do that increase that all it is, is taking the time to assess it and make a plan if I’m not happy with that score. Let’s make a plan be more intentional, take more about your body, bring more erotic thoughts into it, read a book, whatever it is, we can come up with a plan for that to really, really improve the quality of our sexual engagement.

28:44
Okay, I feel Jeff that I didn’t get to talk about all the other stuff.

Laurie Watson 28:50
Thanks for listening to foreplay radio.

George Faller 28:53
Keep it hot. Yeah.