Show Transcript for Episode 253: Resilient Sex — The Female Sexual Pursuer

Announcer 00:00
The following content is not suitable for children.

George Faller 00:02
Hello, Laurie, we’re getting a lot of feedback here from our listeners. Seems like that episode on what we’re now calling resilience, sex to do a thorough assessment to look at your body, your mind your hearts, even how spiritual you are in the encounter, to really look at that before sex, during sex and after sex. And really get curious, you and your partner want the 10 score. Give yourself a grade. This isn’t about judging, it’s about trying. Are you happy with those scores? Let’s come up with a plan to change that. So we got so much feedback on that. And we presented a classical average show average Jane where the husband was pursuing for sex and a wife was feeling the pressure that’s and we thought this week we’d switch it around. Let’s What about those couples where the wife’s got the high energy and, and the husband’s is more low energy sex.

Laurie Watson 00:55
This is good to talk about I want to talk about it. I can see it

George Faller 00:59
out in your face. Let’s do it.

Laurie Watson 01:03
Welcome to foreplay radio, couples in sex therapy. I’m Laurie Watson, your sex therapist.

George Faller 01:09
And I’m George Faller, a couples therapist,

Laurie Watson 01:11
and we are passionate about talking about sex and helping you develop a way to talk to each other.

George Faller 01:17
Our mission is to help our audience develop a healthier relationship to sex that integrates the mind, the heart and the body.

Laurie Watson 01:26
For a great personal lubricant, please check out fubu.com and use the coupon foreplay to support us at the podcast. Thanks. It really did come to me as I was playing the average Jane, you know how I wasn’t really representing all of the women that I know and that I talked to about, especially those women who are more sexually pursuing and what they might be feeling in the experience. So I think this is important for us to represent them and talk about it and talk about what they feel exactly. Just a caveat

George Faller 01:59
here these scores are they’re very static and move in and not they’re not entrenched, right? So it’s don’t get all disappointed in these scores. It’s it could change all the time. One night, I could be feeling something the next day I have might have different scores, but the spirit of it is just to get people to be curious. Like, if you notice your body’s not really engaged, you don’t do vulnerability, that’s probably telling you there’s there’s more that you can do to get high levels of engagement and what we know with people having great sex, they have the highest levels of engagement across the board. So let’s get into this. What are you calling her?

02:35
Um,

Laurie Watson 02:37
maybe that sexual? Sexual pursuing Jane? Jane is just stuck in my head. Good.

George Faller 02:45
Sexual pursuing Jane. So let’s let’s check in with your scores. Okay, I’m gonna break this down. I’m free sex, during sex. And after some all about it. You’re all about it right? out of the gate. All right. So we start off in a mind just, what would you give yourself erotic, that erotic score? Like how much you think about it? So you kind of get it into details? Are you kind of fallen into fantasy?

Laurie Watson 03:10
Yes. And yes, definitely. I mean, I I when I’m thinking about an evening, you know, maybe it’s Friday night? Yes. Just like the average maybe lower libido or more sexually withdrawn? Jane, I, I’m thinking about planning a night and you know what I’m going to cook and, but I’m also setting the scene. The dinner includes wine, because I want us to feel less inhibited that you know, I’m my arc of the evening includes what’s going to happen later, you know, it’s the bedroom, it’s what I’m going to wear, what we’re going to do, what it’s going to, you know, what we’re going to do in bed. I mean, I’m thinking about those details, as much as the details of how to cook the pork chops.

George Faller 03:58
That’s right. So you’re where you’d get that what

Laurie Watson 04:02
I can ate at that point sort of early.

George Faller 04:06
So you’re ready, though, thinking about what’s going to happen, what you might be wearing, what what what might be the sequence, what might be positions, your braids already going down that road?

Laurie Watson 04:16
Yeah, absolutely. I, I probably don’t, I’m not quite as scripted in what I want to have happen. I mean, there are times that maybe the fantasy is more explicit. And that can really help but sometimes it’s just like, the excitement about we’re gonna have sex. Awesome.

George Faller 04:33
All right, let’s jump into your heart. Now, how primed up by you, with the romantic side of you. That’s like you said, you’re cooking pork chops, wine candles. Sounds like there’s a lot going on there. That’s

Laurie Watson 04:44
primes. I’m a woman. I love romance. And you know, I have flowers on my table. Probably 360 days of the year always and, you know, it’s like important to me to have the setting work. Yeah. It’s it’s definitely important. And I probably would love it if my husband were more romantic, but it’s not really a huge requirement for me, I supply a lot of that.

George Faller 05:12
So again, high score eight, you’re gonna go it? Probably eight. Yes. All right. So let’s go into the vulnerability or their fears kind of, also, alongside is your husband going to initiate is, uh, you know, is he going to be interested or you know, you go to orgasm like do you kind of carry those those fears into?

Laurie Watson 05:33
No, no, I don’t. I mean, I, I think that, you know, certainly in the conflict place there’s been It is my husband going to initiate but in nights that, you know, I already know there’s going to be sex i know i i don’t worry, I don’t worry, I really trust my body. I really trust my bodies for so there’s not

George Faller 05:56
a lot of worry. But I would imagine if your partner is kind of lower energy, then kind of that possibility of being rejected or kind of not.

Laurie Watson 06:07
Okay. Yes, yes, that would be that would be a bit of a worry. Like, you know, what if he’s not up for it, so what if I plan this whole thing? And he’s not up for it? Or he’s not interested? And? And then yeah, I could probably be protecting myself a little bit about that disappointment, but I’m certainly not feeling anxious about how it’s gonna all go.

George Faller 06:29
What would you give yourself that score the shadows lurking, but it’s not really that big?

Laurie Watson 06:37
Yeah, um, so so this is my vulnerability. Yeah, I think I’m really open. I think I’m pretty vulnerable. So an eight. I mean, I’m willing to go into it open hearted, ready to get slammed? Takes,

George Faller 06:55
like, guess the way um, and this is a work in progress, right? This resilience, sex that we’re talking about when I talk about a high vulnerability score, what I’m talking about reserves, big kind of fears and things that you’re trying to manage. And if you’re really open, and that would probably be low on that vulnerability score.

Laurie Watson 07:16
Okay, so you’re saying how clear is my heart? Is there is it shadowed with fear about rejection?

George Faller 07:24
Exactly. And if the fear is big, then I would be a high probability school.

Laurie Watson 07:29
Well, given that I’ve also kind of lived this as a sexual pursuer with a man who has a sexual withdraw or and, you know, I think it depends on the stage in our relationship. I think early on when there was a lot of rejection. I would feel anxious about that. Yeah. So it was probably like a foreign five in terms of coming into open hearted.

George Faller 07:52
Good. So let’s switch to the body. How how in touch Are you with the excitement the warmth in your chest that taken away then your your your extremities, like the skipping your step? Like what how in touch? Are you with that?

Laurie Watson 08:09
So very high. 910 very affectionate. My body longs to hug him touch him. I definitely feel that high score of my body longing for his body. But But you know, that’s kind of affection is something that I live on. So yeah, that’s always good.

George Faller 08:32
And how about your genitals? how aware are they how usually zero again, every time I hear this, my brain goes watch it’s so hard to imagine you start off with zero. with men it’s like

08:45
so disappointing to be in a female body right locked in

George Faller 08:50
your sign even your brain is thinking about it. Your heart is pride you want everything’s online, your scores all Ada non judgmental,

Laurie Watson 08:59
zero. I just, I think it’s so hard to I’m so jealous of men that you know, feel something in their genitals women just overall I mean, yes, if it were a really really erotic day and you know, was thinking about it a lot. Maybe you’d move the needle, but it’s just so hard to move the needle when you you know, you don’t have any gas in your body. It’s like there’s no fuel that says that funds that that physiological response is

George Faller 09:32
a shower and you’re kind of washing your body that doesn’t cut it those areas don’t really kind of know turn up a little bit No, no. Okay, and how about we’re adding this component because we we want people to have as expensive sex as possible. And so many couples do describe states of transcendence and, and a lot of us have been really taught to compartmentalize Spirituality away from sex. And it’s right. But you know, if all great couples talk about it, then you know, maybe that’s something a lot of us need to consider and find ways of integrating. So what would you give your spiritual score? You know, as you think about heading into this, this intimate act with your with your opponent?

Laurie Watson 10:20
That’s such a good question, George, I, I would say it was, it’s pretty low. I don’t think that that occurs to me at this stage in the in the sexual evening.

George Faller 10:32
So we’d like three, three, to three. So again, we’re looking at these scores and just saying, hey, a lot of high scores around the erotic and their romantic and your whole body being alive and sensual. That’s great. You’re primed? Right? Some things that maybe they could we can do some improvement on as we got this vulnerability score, there are some fears lurking? Can we talk about those fears? can we reduce those numbers? You know, the generals, are there anything you can do to kind of, or spirituality like, the more you can kind of think about that or come

Laurie Watson 11:05
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George Faller 11:27
Nice. So we ready to move on to sex itself sex

Laurie Watson 11:31
itself, go for it. All right, let’s see. How’s

George Faller 11:34
that? A lot of my going?

Laurie Watson 11:36
Totally in it? Yeah, totally in it just and kind of fuzzy, you know, like, lost in it. It’s no longer what we’re gonna do. There’s no agenda, there’s just kind of in it.

George Faller 11:49
So that’s where it starts to go towards playfulness and creativity. Yeah. Like, you’re just passion.

Laurie Watson 11:53
You know, it’s like, it’s, it’s like, you kind of let your mind go. I mean, I’m, you know, don’t think about the chores. I don’t think about the children. I don’t think about my body anxiety. I don’t think about that stuff. I’m just there.

George Faller 12:09
Right? But that’s where you also have the most access to your erotic mind, like you’re gonna come up with things here that you wouldn’t normally come up with. So that’s always still be pretty high. Really high. Yeah, it might go a little bit down, because you’re letting your mind go.

Laurie Watson 12:24
No, I, it’s, it’s high. But it’s kind of just so fluid with my body. I think it’s hard for me to distinguish I’m sorry, I’m making this complicated. No,

George Faller 12:33
it’s good. And then we’re getting clear as we do this. Okay. Actually, let’s let’s come back after a break and finish this. Okay, come back after break.

Laurie Watson 12:45
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George Faller 13:24
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Laurie Watson 13:38
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George Faller 13:41
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Laurie Watson 13:47
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George Faller 13:54
So for all you therapists out there, listen into our show, I really want you to check out success invulnerability.com on new training website that we believe is taking online therapist training to the next level. It’s so focused on moment by moment, practical moves, less theory, to really get people to have immediate success, right? We’re trying to measure targets of change. So we can see if we’re on target or we need to adjust. And the feedback we’re getting is really excited. We’re incorporating that feedback to continually adjusted to change the schedule and come join us si ve team.

Laurie Watson 14:36
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George Faller 15:12
Alright, so let’s finish this up dude saying Darren sex, this erotic mind is still kind of racing. But there’s also this letting go that you can kind of get caught in the moment. Yeah.

15:22
Go ahead.

George Faller 15:24
Now how about your heart? How’s it doing? How’s the romance?

Laurie Watson 15:27
Definitely. big heart here. Yeah, big heart, just full of love, full of vulnerability, open to whatever.

George Faller 15:37
And how about that, that more fearful side of the heart that’s that you’re in the axles. rejections kind of go down? They kind of disappear though.

Laurie Watson 15:45
Yeah, that all goes down. That goes away. Once I’m in in the moment. Good for it.

George Faller 15:52
Okay. And how about your body itself? Still high scores, the sensuality to kind of touch still

Laurie Watson 16:01
still? Oh, yeah. Touch all that is like 910. Just absolutely, like, love that feel that open to that. Enjoying that?

George Faller 16:14
How the genitals doing?

Laurie Watson 16:16
So like any woman, it takes a while for that to come up. And it depends on what we’re doing. I might depend on. If we use a vibrator. It might depend on you know, if we get right to it. I think like most women, there’s kind of this curve, kind of a bell curve, that it’s slow going up, and then you hit this point, and then it accelerates. You know, and suddenly, you’re, you’re going really high.

George Faller 16:46
Alright, so what do we want to give the score for the generals? Yeah,

Laurie Watson 16:49
g so I mean, it comes in, right? It’s like a 23678 910. Okay.

George Faller 17:00
So that 10 is Hallelujah,

Laurie Watson 17:02
that’s where that seven, it’s all of that 10 is definitely orgasm.

George Faller 17:09
And how’s the spirituality?

Laurie Watson 17:11
I think for me, in the moment of orgasm, there’s kind of just a merger that spiritual you know, it’s, I feel very at one with my partner, like a transcendence that you’ve talked about before George. Just really melding together? Like no beginning, no ending between us. And so I guess that’s like a spiritual connection. What score Are you giving yourself? That’s a time

George Faller 17:38
this is pretty happy here. Yeah. You know, and you got

17:44
to bingo, right? I mean, they’ll go while you want to have sex. So Right, exactly.

George Faller 17:49
All right. Cool. Let’s get it to post. Now. You just had this multiple orgasmic you. We didn’t

Laurie Watson 17:56
even talk about the multiple. Okay.

George Faller 17:59
And now, your job, right? You look like now? You’re cuddling up? How’s that erotic brain?

Laurie Watson 18:07
Um, so, probably not cuddling up right away, sort of more just like, completely stunned, is kind of how it feels just like this moment, you know, almost speechless. Kind of Not really. ready yet to connect? Not I mean, feeling deeply connected, but not necessarily. Okay, I’m gonna, I’m gonna start to talk. It’s like, can’t really talk. So your brain

George Faller 18:33
turns off.

Laurie Watson 18:34
Brain turns off, okay, is totally in the body.

George Faller 18:39
All right, brain turns off still feel romantic.

Laurie Watson 18:41
still feeling very romantic.

George Faller 18:44
Still the ability kind of very low.

Laurie Watson 18:47
No, no, no, no, no vulnerability. Hi, I’m ready to talk about anything. I mean, there’s like this pause, but I still feel safe. I feel Yeah, I feel very safe at that point.

George Faller 19:00
So we’re gonna, we’re gonna fix you listen, is the vulnerability scale, we got to kind of work that out. We got to work. Right. So when you’re open, and really can talk about anything? That’s what we’re we’re calling, you know, low because that is not high fears. Right. That’s when we’re given a high score, but whatever. We’ll work that out. How about your body? You’re still high scores.

Laurie Watson 19:25
Yeah, I mean, I think the body definitely, I guess, you know, really the body is kind of sated. You know. It’s like it’s, it’s filled up. So I mean, I don’t necessarily need as much at that point. I feel very fall.

George Faller 19:43
Well, it sounds like the erotic mind it starts to kind of wind down a little bit now. It’s got it got its needs met. Yeah, yes. acetylated gets sleepy, maybe. All

19:52
right. Thank you for articulating for me.

George Faller 19:55
How about your genitals.

Laurie Watson 19:57
So I mean, that you didn’t say about my orgasm. So definitely, that would be very high. Because as a woman, you don’t actually kind of lose arousal quickly. And so definitely could want to have sex again, right away. And, and I would say that, like, just desire in general is very high, you know your genitals you want to go again, not necessarily, and I don’t want to paint this for people. I don’t want people to feel pressured about this, but a lot of women talk about that, that they’re ready to go again, a few times, perhaps. And then finally, there’s kind of like this release. Okay. Done. Now done.

George Faller 20:37
Okay. And how about spiritually?

20:42
I think,

Laurie Watson 20:44
gosh, how many? How many with this question, I’m not sure where I’m going. But

George Faller 20:47
again, this is just something else we’re adding, there’s no right or wrong. If you don’t have any spiritual component, that’s totally fine. Everybody’s got to tell this to themselves. You know, but that part of you during orgasm, that really felt part of something bigger than yourself, you know, afterwards. Do you feel that sense of calmness and peace? Does it make you think about like, being some gratitude or feeling, you know, some people do they use the word transcendence, they do think about God, they say to themselves, like, you know, thank you for this gift. I’m so happy to be alive. And like they, they’re they kind of drift into that realm. Other people don’t think about it at all. So it’s just something. Hmm. I mean, you said it was a $10. an orgasm. Yeah. I’m curious about what happens afterwards. Yeah.

Laurie Watson 21:33
Probably. I’m not sure that I know. First of all, but it it doesn’t feel as high as it does during orgasm. So low scores. So maybe five.

George Faller 21:44
All right.

Laurie Watson 21:45
So you got all my numbers, my stats down, I got all these stat cards, okay.

George Faller 21:50
And I’m sure the stats changed, depending on a day development, where you’re at, yes, there’s no right or wrong with these. It’s just a way of saying, Hey, you know, while I never thought about the spiritual part, maybe I can think a little bit more about that, that would bring something else that’s there that I just haven’t been paying attention to, or, you know, these erotic scores, it is romantic scores. So, I mean, I’m impressed with generally how high these numbers are, you know, and a lot of times sharing this with your partner, I think for a lot of times for men, like once, once the orgasm comes, it’s like, over write that, to think that the general focus is still pretty high, like the focus disappears. Right, that you’re still afterwards. That’s, you know, that’s really information I haven’t heard before. Hmm. Okay. So I Do we have time to just give quick, low Jolla a little Mojo

22:44
Mojo, you know, I think we’re out of town. We need to do loadcell later. Yeah, yeah.

George Faller 22:50
All right. Okay. I didn’t want low Joe to feel left out. Yeah.

Laurie Watson 22:54
Okay. We will talk about ledge chat, the low libido or the withdrawing male and his issues another day.

George Faller 23:01
Yes. And this is that we’re having a little fun. But the last thing we’d want people to feel is pathologized. To judge because, you know, the circumstances that dictate how we see sexuality or how our body responds to that.

Laurie Watson 23:14
Mm hmm. Absolutely. And, and people who are with drawers or pursuers sexually, they have their reasons they have their history, they have their experiences that determine where they’re at, and how they how they move toward or away from sex and toward or away from their partner sexually.

George Faller 23:33
Exactly. We always fall back to the natural state of people having great encounters, and experiences around sex. We’d all be sexual personas, like, why would you want something that’s so beautiful, and want more

Laurie Watson 23:49
thing? Go?

George Faller 23:50
Yeah, but if you have a lot of problems, it makes a lot of sense. While your body gets less interested in it, right? If you’re gonna feel worse about yourself, and you’re disappointing your partner and there’s all this pressure, I’m there are good reasons why people want to start to disengage from something that can be so important.

Laurie Watson 24:06
That’s right. Well, thank you. And hopefully, my pursuing sexual sexual pursuing sisters out there appreciate this, because I get a lot of commentary from them. Like you’re not representing us. Talk about us.

George Faller 24:22
Well, there you go, girl. There you go, girl. And, hey, there’s a lot in between that pursuing Jade and that kind of withdrawn sexual Jane and everybody in between. That’s right. There is no normal, right? We’re all just trying to find our own comfort level within the spectrum of sexuality. And

Laurie Watson 24:43
I think this is a lovely way to kind of think about aspects of the sexual experience that we may not break it down by Normally, you know, and a way to communicate with our partners about these differences. That’s the

George Faller 24:57
whole key to what we’re trying to do here. Laura just helped People have conversations, talk about things that most of us got no help talking about.

Laurie Watson 25:04
That’s right. Well, thanks for listening to foreplay radio. Keep it hot,

George Faller 25:10
y’all.

Laurie Watson 25:11
Hey, I want to draw your attention to a course that George is doing. for couples. It’s on October 30. And it’s an all day retreat. He is basically spending a whole day with you in experiential learning. So you go as a couple by zoom to kind of gain the best tools and understanding how to grow and safeguard your relationship. Again, this is by George, we will have a link to it under the resources on our website, our link hope and renewal.org connection das course

George Faller 25:37
Lori, I want to give a big shout out to our patrons whose support is really helping. And as we’re starting to notice, with success comes more expenses. And it would really be great for our listeners to have new patrons Come and join us to be part of this mission, talking about sex, the importance of that to change our culture, to help us not have to figure this stuff out and feel ashamed and along with all this.

Laurie Watson 26:03
That’s right. Thanks so much. I mean, it feels good that people are believing in this mission, wanting to help other couples and wanting to help make sex something that is beautiful and easy to talk about and reduce the shame that people feel about it. So your financial support has been helpful and it would be wonderful to have you behind us

Announcer 26:24
calling your questions to the foreplay question, voicemail dial 833 my foreplay that’s a three the number four play it will use the questions for our mailbag episodes. All content is for entertainment purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for therapy by a licensed clinician or as medical advice from a doctor.