Show Transcript for Episode 261: The 5 Love Languages of Christmas

Announcer 00:00
The following content is not suitable for children

George Faller 00:02
Warm tidings Laurie, for this holiday season.

Laurie Watson 00:05
Merry Christmas, George.

George Faller 00:06
Today, we’re gonna look at a classic Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages, what better time to think about how to speak to your partner.

Laurie Watson 00:21
Welcome to foreplay radio couples in sex therapy. I’m Laurie Watson, your sex therapist.

George Faller 00:27
And I’m George Faller, your couples therapist,

Laurie Watson 00:29
and we are passionate about talking about sex and helping you develop a way to talk to each other.

George Faller 00:35
Our mission is to help our audience develop a healthier relationship to sex that integrates the mind, the heart and the body.

Laurie Watson 00:44
For a great personal lubricant, please check out Uber lube.com and use the coupon foreplay to support us at the podcast. Don’t forget the stocking stuffers drop in some Uber live. So it’s Christmas. I’m so excited. This is like my favorite time of year. I start listening to Christmas music, you know, in August, and I never get enough.

George Faller 01:07
And is this a special COVID Christmas changer that is?

Laurie Watson 01:14
You know, it’s hard. You know, we’re not having the big parties. And we’re not seeing our neighbors we usually gather with our neighbors a lot at the holidays. My boys are definitely coming home. And so that’s the most precious part for me, so I will see them and we’re all hard social distancing before we get together, so we’ll do that. But yeah, it’s tough. And I know it’s tough for a lot of people out there. People have lost family members. This is a blue Christmas for many and it’s rough. It’s Christmas is always busy. I actually find this year less busy. And I just haven’t pressured myself to do as much so how about you as Christmas? You’re working on lots

George Faller 01:59
working too much and all the gifts are delayed and timelines are thrown off. So me and my wife we do it online shopping yesterday. That was a fun but quite stressful with everything. We thought. Yeah, we have plenty of time because two days right amazon prime should be no problem. Well, it’s because it is a problem with a lot of what we will find it

Laurie Watson 02:21
Ah, you waited. waited. Yes, sir. Running Out.

George Faller 02:25
we’d normally see a lot of people in person to give gifts. But now that’s not happened. It’s so

Laurie Watson 02:31
safe to send the gifts.

George Faller 02:33
Suddenly gifts. So it’s a little less I’m a little less motivated when I’m not even going to see the person open at present.

Laurie Watson 02:39
Yeah. Are you doing any gatherings? Your kids are home?

George Faller 02:44
The kids are home. I’ll see my immediate extended family my mom and and brothers and sisters, but that’s about it.

Laurie Watson 02:51
Hmm. Tell me about you know, we’re going to talk about the five love languages at Christmas. And where do you think your love languages are? what’s most important to you? We have time I’m gonna go through them. You know spending time together gifts, acts of service words of appreciation and physical touch. That’s your best.

George Faller 03:10
My best would be physical touch. And words affirmation. Hmm. As a Dewar performer, that’s like, hearing Good job. That is something about touch that you just don’t even need the word so it’s really works well. Mm hmm. Of course, I’m married to somebody who’s God has a funny sense of humor, who has the exact opposite acts of service quality time our hearts. Oh,

Laurie Watson 03:40
uh huh.

George Faller 03:41
So because of that,

Laurie Watson 03:43
I mean, I find that a lot. I think that that falls in gender lines very typically. You know, women, especially at the holidays, will I’ll help you here too. In terms of acts of service, I’ve got some good ideas for you. But yeah, time together acts of service that that a lot of women talk about that and men often physical touch usually number one, words of affirmation. appreciation. Yeah, that’s that’s up there. Because, I mean, you think about if men are often more emotional withdraws words of affirmation, or you’re doing a good job versus the sense that often a withdraw are has of I’m failing.

George Faller 04:24
Right? Well, the goal is that not just get your love languages to get good at all five. I mean, that’s you have the most range and flexibility. Right. So that’s, I think, the beauty of God’s plan of being attracted to someone that’s opposite of you. Right, exactly, right.

04:44
Right.

George Faller 04:44
I try to tell myself that what I’m doing the dishes, does it active service. This is really expressing your love in a way that really strikes to the heart of my life. I care about you Laurie, what do you got? What’s your

Laurie Watson 05:03
physical touch obviously is my number one not that totally works. I feel loved when I’m hugged attached sex works. I mean, that just, that’s it. And I think spending time together, it’s funny as I’ve gotten older, I have a lot more need for alone time. My husband used to say, Laura needs a ton of alone time, like eight hours every day when she’s asleep. But you know, but now I find I enjoy it. I enjoy doing my own thing. You know, work is really busy, and that’s very fulfilling. So I’ve put a lot of time into that. And so I don’t need quite as much maybe as I used to need but I like it. Definitely physical touch though.

George Faller 05:54
Now you would you say that a typical for a lot of wives. That said number one,

Laurie Watson 06:00
yeah, I, I, I don’t think physical touch and sex is necessarily, you know, the first on most women’s list sexual female sexual pursuers? Probably yes. And I think some women feel more about affection. Not necessarily as much about sex as a female sexual pursuer would. But

George Faller 06:20
so it’s therapy time, Laurie. And it’s really interesting. Can you tell me more about how much has become your number one love language?

Laurie Watson 06:28
Yeah, it’s it is interesting. You know, I, I know, it’s, you’re being facetious. But I do wonder about that, like, how did that evolve? How did I become that way? I think it is a triumph over my my mother was very affectionate. And that’s, that was a lovely part of my childhood. I mean, a lot of tucking in back rubs, kissing me goodnight. Sitting, I remember sitting on her lap. And, and I do actually remember sitting on my father’s lap, although I don’t remember quite as much affection. So there was a lot of problems in my childhood, but I think I did get enough affection. And I think that that is a basis of the adult sexual relationship. If in your childhood, you don’t get enough affection, you’re going to be challenged your whole life, because I think what happens is, kids need it, they desperately need it. And when it doesn’t come to them, they kind of make this promise to themselves, or I call it the inner Val. It’s like, I won’t need that. And then when we’re grown up, and in an adult romantic relationship, I won’t need sex, you know, because it’s so primitive to need that from your partner to, you know, to need to be touched to need to be sexually stimulated. It’s like, Are you kidding me? I’m, I’m never gonna need that. And so, I know, I do think it was a good thing that I got from my childhood. What do you think?

George Faller 07:58
I don’t know what I think Laurie? Short, you are worse

08:01
dude.

George Faller 08:03
No, it’s it’s it’s such a complex question. Yeah, I don’t know if it’s

08:09
a lot of

George Faller 08:11
the wives that I work with, I’m not sure. I think most of them like touch when they can let go with the lists and a stress else, it’s just other things. That’s why I like the idea of five love languages in some kind of order some kind of list, because you might like touch. But if you’re really looking for acts of service, or you’re looking for quality time, and that needs not being bad, and your brains looking for that, you know, it’s hard to shift gears towards the touch. Yeah, but if you’re feeling the quality time you’re feeling connected, then it’s a lot easier for the touch to become relevant. Mm hmm.

Laurie Watson 08:48
Yeah, that’s true. And do you think for yourself, that it’s and for the men that you work with maybe that physical touch and sexual touch is just particularly driven by testosterone? Or do you think it’s something else? I mean,

George Faller 09:06
I think touch is so important, because it’s, it’s not based on performance. It’s one of the few ways you can just receive without having to do so often. Yeah. I got to get it right to kind of feel good about myself and touches away of, like having no words for a lot of men is it’s it’s liberating. Mm hmm. Nothing’s been expected of you, you can’t get it wrong. There’s something about the simplicity of touch that just kind of it’s it’s really vulnerable for a lot of men. It’s, it’s, it’s getting to the core of who they are. And yet they often have don’t have language to describe how it’s important. So it comes across as annoying, like clingy as, Oh, just have another child who’s at me trying to touch me and I think a lot of times, wives, don’t Recognize the how important touch can be on so many emotional levels?

Laurie Watson 10:05
I agree. Yeah. I think you know, it’s just about being present, like being touched and touching. There’s something so immediate, and that that feels so good. I like that, you know, it’s not about performance. It’s just about being I guess, being acceptable.

George Faller 10:24
being chosen,

Laurie Watson 10:26
being desired. All of that is lovely. And I think it’s, you know, we can tell right when somebody touches us, because they want to, because they’re, they’re giving us love.

George Faller 10:36
I think it would be great if we go through these five love languages, and come up with a plan, like what can people do to increase that language or get more curious about that language. So I think the goal is, get better at all five, high levels of engagement if you can do that.

Laurie Watson 10:54
Okay. We’ll come back and talk about time together gifts, acts of service, words of appreciation and physical touch after the break. We’re live.com. With the coupon foreplay is how you get 10% off. Uber lube. And why I love it is it is long lasting. I was just talking to a patient this week about the way that they need to use this because you know, they’re struggling with dryness, and it’s just such a safe way to make sure that no matter what happens if you feel anxious, or whatever, you know, the lubrication is there, it’s ready and makes sex comfortable and more pleasurable. I, I just think people need to use it, no matter what I mean, it’s fun, right? And we went on all fronts.

George Faller 11:40
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George Faller 12:05
and then makes a great stocking stuffer. It ties So Laura you know at times I can be a bit old school. I think I’ve tried to get caught up with the Modern Times said hey, when you notice all what women have to do to go through the grooming plane and racks and all this stuff that seems quite painful. I figured the least I can do is not give a little tremens freshen up the promise I used you know what I was using to shave my son’s head You know, it didn’t feel so good out here. So

Laurie Watson 12:36
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George Faller 12:46
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Laurie Watson 12:55
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George Faller 13:09
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George Faller 13:32
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13:32
give us a G spot.

George Faller 13:34
Right if a couple is not able to hold on to their vulnerability, and that is a sign of a process telling us that they need to go back and really understand more about that Miss trusts and a good reasons that protect them themselves.

Laurie Watson 13:54
Okay, so let’s start with spending time together. Since so many women love that. I think men love that to some of them, but I have sort of COVID a little sarcasm there. Mr. Fowler? I think a fun thing is to watch those Christmas romantic movies. One of my very favorite movies is Love Actually that I love it. It’s all about Christmas, but it’s all about different kind of love stories that come together. Have you seen that? I have. Great. Yeah, great movie. And my husband and I saw a really good movie last night called the Family Stone. And it’s it is all about Christmas. You know it’s over the three days of Christmas and what I loved about it was just how there’s two love stories and it’s about a really anxiously attached woman with a really avoidant mail and they don’t end up together but they I don’t want to you know, send out spoilers but but it does show how secure attachment heals those kinds of attachment problems. It was. It was Great, it was great acting fun. Diane Keaton. And holiday my kids watch that one. And it’s just a comedy. It’s really silly, but I mean screaming funny at certain places. So that was a good one if you want.

George Faller 15:16
I like the idea of quality time also being electronic freezone

15:22
Oh, yeah. Like,

George Faller 15:22
like, how do you find that time that just not talk about the list? Or the kids or the logistics? Or with an electronic on, but actually remind your bodies have what that was like to just be engaged in the essence of who somebody is? Like, what’s meaningful about their lives? What’s, what’s makes them feel alive? It’s just how do you intentionally put aside that time with your partner?

Laurie Watson 15:55
talking together, I found this thing in the store there. It’s called Cuba. We’re going to talk about this later, though. But it’s like little conversations cards. There’s a bunch of things like that out there. products that you can buy to spur conversation that doesn’t get heated that is just interesting about your partner. I think so often, you know, when we’ve been married for a while we forget to ask our partner interesting questions that they can answer.

George Faller 16:21
That’s like going on a walk or some kind of not having an agenda, but some structured time to just touch base during a day. I take it’s so relevant.

Laurie Watson 16:33
I know. And it’s so romantic. I think walking in the snow is romantic. So that could be

George Faller 16:38
fun. Especially if you got like heated boots or something. Okay, the gloves.

Laurie Watson 16:44
Definitely heated boots. You gotta you gotta scout out the mistletoe before you get the mistletoe in. In North Carolina. There’s mistletoe everywhere. And I’ve always been obviously a mistletoe freak about it when even in California I would hang it and now, you know, it just grows on there in my parking lot. There’s seven trees that have mistletoe. So I always cut it down and hanging in all the doorways.

George Faller 17:08
Alright, so you and Derek getting lots of kisses?

Laurie Watson 17:11
We do. We do. Yeah. So gifts. I mean, this is a problem for a lot of people who maybe suddenly they’re faced with, you know, what am I going to get my partner?

George Faller 17:24
Well, that’s also happy Hanukkah to all. Your great gift giving eight days in place.

Laurie Watson 17:32
We are in Hanukkah right now.

George Faller 17:33
Yes. So propriate, the talk about gifts. And so you’re saying a lot of people aren’t so good at it.

Laurie Watson 17:42
Not so good at it. I have a trick though. When people talk about things they want I have this little app about I think it’s called keep and it’s all kinds of notes and stuff. But I I put in their gifts that people want. So I I listened all year long, little things that they say? And then I write it down right then so that when I’m going to buy Christmas gifts or birthday gifts or something, I have some ideas. How about you? How do you do gifts? Gee, are you good at gifts,

George Faller 18:12
I think I am actually good at gifts. It’s I don’t know, we can get lost on a lecture here. But there’s something about the consumerism and I mean, I see so many kids today picking their own gifts. And it’s just, there’s we’re getting away from I think the spirit of it. So that idea of knowing somebody well, and something that kind of gets them happy and excited. And you get to be the bearer of that, which is really cool.

Laurie Watson 18:40
Mm hmm. I would say that for gifts right are so special. I have on in my closet, I posted a lot of the Christmas cards and Mother’s Day cards and all the cards that my kids drew for me when they were little and made for me. You know, I just keep them up there so that I can remember how I feel when I look at them. And I mean, I think that kind of thing. Something special writing a poem to your loved one would be incredible. Or we do Secret Santa says women, you know, there’s a bunch of women groups that do that. And I always am really thoughtful about that trying to figure out what is a holiday theme. You know, I like three perfect pairs because it’s it’s very Christmassy partridge in a pear tree or making somebody your favorite meal or making somebody their favorite meal or just keeping a candle lit. I mean, there’s there’s lovely things that you can do that are thoughtful.

George Faller 19:39
Well, I also don’t want to make it sound easier than it is because a lot of people Our lives have everything. You know, it’s actually pretty hard to find the gift of somebody that has everything. And so you got advice for that.

Laurie Watson 19:55
I mean, I think at that point that it has to be thoughtful. It has to be from About the spirit, you know, not I mean, nobody, nobody particularly needs anything in my life, even my son’s like, they’ve all got money. You know, they don’t need anything but trying to figure out something that would be meaningful. It’s important I, one of the things my best girlfriend Terry says is a meaningful guest is something about them and something about yourself. So you give something that is meaningful to you in some way, and meaningful to them. So maybe that’s

George Faller 20:31
good, don’t be shy, get feedback. You know, ask the person get it get get. I there’s nothing wrong with wanting more information. Right, the

Laurie Watson 20:40
better guy asking. And don’t forget sexy gifts, you know, like lingerie, especially if it’s not a point of contention. I have a girlfriend who is Jewish. And she said her husband listened to the podcast. And she said, You know, he wants that variety list. By the way, we’ve had over 200 people write us for the list of variety from our episode, when we talked about the sexual variety acts. Yep. Very fun. And so I sent it to her and she said, I know what I’m giving him.

21:14
Eight Knights that will be should accomplish.

Laurie Watson 21:16
Hey, awesome. Since we’re really trying to fortify couples, sexual relationship and connection, I just think, you know, maybe this is a time you wear lingerie, you maybe have manscaped. And you show that off? Are you Uber live is in the stocking, that would be fun.

George Faller 21:35
That’s right, all these little extras that can make a big difference between a regular night and a night of fireworks going off.

Laurie Watson 21:45
laying a fire is sexy, too. I think I like it when my husband in the morning or in the afternoon, you know, lays a fire and I know that there’s going to be a fire that night. That’s that’s sexy. That usually means sex at night.

George Faller 21:58
And tent access service.

Laurie Watson 22:01
Mm hmm. Okay, so acts of service, for whatever reason, many of my years of Christmas prep, I would feel very perfectionistic, especially on Christmas Eve, it’s like I wanted it to be perfect. And I was totally bitchy, because I had this internal pressure. And what I did was, eventually I would just write out all the little chores that I saw needed to be done. So you know, set the table, go, I send the kids out to green the house. So you know, they got to go cut greens and put the roast in whatever it is. And I would just write out all the lists. And now as my kids are grown, everybody just initials for or something and so we divide the workload and, and acts of service are your partner’s love language, I would say write out the list, and then corral the kids, you know, just initial next time I got this, you don’t need to think about it anymore. Really takes a lot of the pressure off.

George Faller 23:02
That’s a great idea.

Laurie Watson 23:04
And I would say from Furman, you know, get somebody to hang those lights on the house while he’s gone. I don’t think anybody ever 50 should be on a ladder. It’s like, get somebody else to do it. words of affirmation, words of affirmation, okay. You know, I just, I think, does your partner feel seen for what they contribute? You know, to your life, to the family life to the work that they do, especially if they’re acts of service and words of appreciation, then then you know, that they’re oriented toward performance. And so they need that appreciation for all that they do. Right?

George Faller 23:43
Yeah, I mean, that word appreciation doesn’t give it justice. I mean, there’s not a baby born that’s not looking for feedback that it’s special. And that’s really all affirmation is looking for like, can you notice me and can you celebrate me? Can you let me know you’re enjoying me? that nasty a couple john Gottman talks about this. The difference between a master couple and a disaster a couple you can just see by the ratio of compliments to criticism, right? These this need to compliment will make your relationship a lot safer. We’re quick to jump in, criticize and give advice. And yet we’re slow to give affirmation. So how do we really recognize that this is this is beautiful and healthy. And if we’re not doing that in our relationship, it’s a sign of that distance creeping. So being more proactive, setting yourself reminders. You know, couples when they do that for for homework are always surprised at how good that shows even just going to bed to be able to say a couple things that really they’re thankful for or they appreciate about their partner just what that does to strengthen that emotional bond.

Laurie Watson 24:53
It’s as I agree, such a good feeling to hear your partner recognize something my husband and I are predicted We’d like show each other everything that we’ve done. Come see I scrub this thing. Come see I cleaned the toilet. You know, and then the other one comes in. It’s like, Oh, it’s so great. We asked for it and get it. I don’t know we’ve done that for a long time.

George Faller 25:18
I have a couple I’m working with and they call it that our RTB compensation at the end of the night. A Rosa Rosa Thorne and Ubud, they that’s what they do every night they tell each other two things that were good and happy to roses about the day before and something they struggled about. And then a but something they get hopeful about. Oh, it

Laurie Watson 25:41
I like that I

25:42
wrote this Richard in a vibe. Yeah,

Laurie Watson 25:45
that’s a good ritual. I think just making it a ritual is important. If they do it every night, and they remember to do it. So often people say, Ah, you know, it’s been two weeks since I’ve heard anything from you about what you like about me. That’s hard. Okay. physical touch. We can’t leave this out. Maybe foot rubs massage, lane fire

George Faller 26:09
in hot oil.

26:11
hot wax.

Laurie Watson 26:14
Um, you know,

George Faller 26:16
I go ahead Ice Cube ice.

Laurie Watson 26:22
You people give each other’s sex coupons, you know, but I, I think they should just give one coupon and say this, what we’re doing tonight, we’re having oral sex tonight are we’re doing something that you wanted to do. And because I think those coupons get loaded up, because then the person could present the coupon at a time that’s not no longer sexy. So give the coupon when you’re ready to do it.

George Faller 26:45
And just think about it throughout the day, there’s something about just going up, give it a little hug, or grabbing a hand, or, you know, touching the shoulder that that really just reminds both people how important they are. Mm hmm.

Laurie Watson 27:01
Absolutely. Make luck with the Christmas tree lights on after children are in bed.

George Faller 27:10
Well, I hope here in the five love languages is we all need all five of them. And to have this conversation we all want to be loved in a way that’s easy and comfortable for us. And often don’t recognize that our partner needs it a little bit differently. And that’s okay. And how do we give our partner what they’re looking for? Not what we want to give. But and I think that that flexibility between what we want and what our partner wants, you put them together and that gives such such room for for more growth of love with our relationship.

Laurie Watson 27:44
Absolutely. Well, we wish you all Merry Christmas. Happy holidays. Happy Hanukkah. We are glad that you’re listening to us. Thanks for listening.

George Faller 27:54
Keep it hot.

Laurie Watson 27:56
Hey, don’t forget we are doing our Couples Retreat. And that is great sex. Great love on February 5. You can sign up right now we’ve got a discount going until January 8. We’d love to have you join us for a whole day. Josh and I are inviting you.

George Faller 28:11
Come join us and I’ve been

Announcer 28:12
calling your questions to the foreplay question voicemail dial 833 my foreplay that’s a three three the number four play it will use the questions for our mailbag episodes. All content is for entertainment purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for therapy by a licensed clinician or as medical advice from a doctor. This podcast is copyrighted by fourplay Media