Show Transcript for Episode 272: Secrets of Her Erotic Mind

Announcer 00:00
The following content is not suitable for children

George Faller 00:02
today Laurie, we’re going to explore the secrets of the erotic mind. Let’s jump in. What about your fantasies? Laurie, what’s going up there in that brain of yours,

Laurie Watson 00:12
I fantasize about being Tom Brady’s wife.

George Faller 00:16
Ooh. collected all those Super Bowl rings.

Laurie Watson 00:21
Now just because I’d be just sell and I’d be like, thin and tall. Welcome to Foreplay radio, couples in sex therapy. I’m Laurie Watson, your sex therapist.

George Faller 00:34
And I’m George Faller, couples therapist,

Laurie Watson 00:37
and we are passionate about talking about sex and helping you develop a way to talk to each other.

George Faller 00:42
Our mission is to help our audience develop a healthier relationship to sex that integrates the mind, the heart and the body.

Laurie Watson 00:52
We got to say too, about our sponsors, Uberlube, Manscaped. OMGyes, and Addyi, you know, I went to the FDA to get help get it approved. And we only take sponsors, with products that we really believe in, do something good. I mean, we are approached all the time with all kinds of products and stuff that we turned down. So we’re recommending things that we have recommended to patients that we’ve seen as a good product, a healthy product, something that we think will help you

George Faller 01:24
something that’s promoting healthy sex. Really, that’s, that’s our mission. And all these products are just trying to move the needle and get people more comfortable talking about sex and enjoying sex. So we really appreciate that partnership. I don’t know Laurie about this Tom Brady fantasy, or just so I know your husband, Derek’s a Chiefs fan, and you’re training him on a lot of levels here. So I have to delete this podcast.

Laurie Watson 01:54
Yeah, maybe so. He listens to all of them. So you might be pretty upset about that.

George Faller 02:00
Derek, I tried to have your back.

Laurie Watson 02:04
Gee, I’ve been thinking about your name. I’ve decided to call you a different g name every episode. You know, we got G spot G string g Wiz.

George Faller 02:14
What do you got for me today? What’s my new g then?

Laurie Watson 02:17
How about G string? That’s a second string. Yeah.

George Faller 02:21
All right.

Laurie Watson 02:22
Okay, so we got to talk about the secrets to the erotic minds. What questions have you got here? George, you’re talking about women, what women think about?

George Faller 02:33
Well, I think most of the time when we do the best sex breakdown. And we we go to the thinking mind, I was always surprised at how you often talk about women, really, this is critical for their engagement, right to really get that erotic mind up and running. You know, they don’t have high testosterone, you know, they they need to get that, that mind working. And, you know, I think a lot of men have no idea what’s going on in that erotic mind. So it’s, that’s a very vague word to be like. So are they thinking about old fantasies old memories? are they thinking about a book, they read a movie, they saw a little everything like, what is going on in our erotic mind? Yes, yes, yes, yes. For us to, to kind of get invited into this mysterious place that, you know, the eyes are closed, and you could see something going on up there. But, you know, there’s often very little communication.

Laurie Watson 03:32
First of all, I gotta say, I love that you’re curious. I mean, I think sometimes one of the fears about sharing that as women is that their partner will be threatened, or their partner won’t want to know those kinds of things. So I think what you’re saying, and I, and I certainly hear it the other way, too, men are. Many men are infinitely curious about, you know, how women think about sex, how they fantasize about it, what is going on inside their mind. So where do we start? out? Well, you’ve

George Faller 04:04
worked with so many 1000s of people and you know, what, uh, suddenly some of the input that you’ve heard from different women, if we’re focusing on women here,

Laurie Watson 04:14
sure. So first, I would say women think about everything. Absolutely everything. And they’re

George Faller 04:22
about the dishes and the laundry. No, no,

Laurie Watson 04:26
actually, I think they taught they think about everything. There probably is no limit to their fantasies and I tend to think nobody really owns our mind. I think that you know, if you use it to stimulate yourself sexually to get aroused, that can be a good thing. I I don’t tend to be very judgmental about people’s sexual fantasies. I think sometimes a sexual fantasy is important to understanding the self and understanding what’s going on relationally but not always, I mean, you can have crazy wild stuff going In your mind could be good. I know, you know a lot of women experience shame over their fantasies, they think this is immoral or it’s politically incorrect. Those are kind of the two categories that, then they inhibit thinking about it. But I don’t know, I just, I don’t think that this is, this is a bad thing I know, people are worried about lust, and this is going to lead them astray. And I think there really is something about just sexual content that is so exciting, and so fun to think about, versus deliberately directing your thoughts toward leaving the marriage or leaving the partnership. So that’s kind of how I distinguish.

George Faller 05:44
I love that line. When you say nobody owns online, right? That’s where we can be free to go where we want to go. And I think that’s so important. And our stance with fantasy has always been, if it’s something that increases levels of engagement, it keeps you present, if it’s quality of great sex and love and strengthens the bond, then it’s bring it in, if it creates more distance, the proof is in what the fantasies do. So I know with a lot of men, if they have to fantasize about someone else to get aroused, and then not present with their partner, and that disconnecting from their body, that fantasy actually creates more distance. Right. So again, I’m just curious, when you’re saying, you know, all women are doing this, you know, they’re closing their eyes, and they’re going somewhere, like, how is that increasing their presence? Like, what’s going on? I know, there’s a whole spectrum here. But this is just a chance to get specific here, Laurie, like what are they fantasizing about?

Laurie Watson 06:44
Well, I would say, they’re not just fantasizing in the moment, I wish they would a little bit because it would help them. But sometimes just during the day, they can have a dream or an imagination or like you said, a memory, something that’s kind of exciting, something to noodle on something to maybe enliven the day a bit that can be sexy, and, you know, think that it could be really graphic. I think that women tend to have a bit more of a romantic narrative. Included in their sexual fantasies. I talked to men and women and men seem to be more regularly always graphic about their sexual fantasies and women. I mean, this is the billion dollar industry of romantic books. There’s kind of themes. And I was reading in that book that we both have the billion wicked thoughts book. And they did two passages, sexy passages. And one of them was, interestingly, from the very first romantic novel I’ve ever read. I was in high school is called the flaming the flower. And it was a book that kind of revolutionized women’s romance novels, I think it was one of the more explicit books and don’t ask me how I got it in high school, because I am certain I did not buy it. I don’t think a girlfriend gave it to me, I think it was truly in her library in high school. This was like really dirty stuff, you know. And I remember reading it in the library going, Wow. But they still, even though it was really explicit sex scenes, they compare that to a male written book, a book written by a man who was even more graphic and with kind of less emotional content. So I think when I say emotional content, maybe men think it’s, you know, it’s all hearts and flowers and romantic novels, they do do a lot of buildup. You know, they do do that. I think what is probably most exciting to me about a romantic novel is tension. You know, tension is very exciting. Oh, we’re

George Faller 09:07
gonna get more specific. When we come back from break. I like this idea of different themes. What are these erotic themes that let’s break them down into categories and get a little bit more details? Okay.

Laurie Watson 09:21
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George Faller 10:32
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Laurie Watson 10:38
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George Faller 12:07
All right. What do you think, Laurie? Let’s go to this mysterious world. You feel it a bit vague on me and seek a lot of themes and possibilities and neurotic books and flaming a flower? You know, I still don’t know what those eyes are closed. What is going on in that brain? What is it about that first sexy that you’re gonna hold on to? Would that be something that, you know, later on? We’ll come back in a fantasy, like replaying that scene? Or is it like inserting yourself in that scene? Or, you know, what are your clients tell you?

Laurie Watson 12:43
I mean, I would say, you know, reading a sex scene is is arousing. I mean, just right there. It’s arousing. So definitely, you know, want to have sex at that moment, kind of, I think for me now, it’s not necessarily seeing myself. That’s not true. It’s a hookup. It’s a book. That first sex scene is great. And then after that I could care less. What is it about the first sex scene?

George Faller 13:14
I wish I could help more. Laurie, this is where us men often feel shut out. Yeah, when you go to that the flame the flower? Right, I can see. I mean, for like a man watching pornography. There’s something visual, you’re seeing it. So that makes an impression, you can go back to that image. You’re talking about reading something, these the popularity of erotic novels, right, that you just read that first hookup scene in that book. And, you know, so how does that replay itself? As you know, you’re in bed with your lover? Hmm.

Laurie Watson 13:50
Yeah, I suppose it you see yourself in it. I think just the images that you’re seeing as you’re reading it are erotic and exciting. And your body responds to that. I think your body responds to content that is sexual. I mean, anytime you’re reading, thinking about that, it’s a turn on.

George Faller 14:13
So you can go back?

Laurie Watson 14:16
Can I bring it back into a moment with my husband? I don’t, I don’t think that that’s necessarily, it’s almost like it goes into the bank. More than it is necessarily something that that a woman needs to recreate. It’s, it’s sort of like, it keeps the sexual fire going. You know, thinking about it having having sexual content as part of your life.

George Faller 14:42
I totally get outside the bedroom and how that fills the bank. I’m still trying to figure out what happens during sex. What is that erotic mind go towards?

Laurie Watson 14:53
I suppose that during sex that could be yes, maybe an image that you’ve read about maybe the memory So yeah, I think that for some women, it’s the emotional connection, you know, they need emotional connection. I think for others of us it is kind of graphic sucks that we might be thinking about an act that was really good. In my life, I have a couple of memories, very salient memories, that I pull on that to, you know, remind me of those feelings. I think because as a woman, you don’t really have the, the fire that hits you. A memory is a way that, you know, as your mind thinks about it, that great memory of maybe a touch or an orgasm, or a scene, you know, with, with your lover, I mean, that turns your body on,

George Faller 15:49
the women your work with might be going back in time to a memory of something that happened, or they might create a fantasy of the pirate. There’s things that we’ve talked about that could happen. But if there’s something visual about being in a scene, that the erotic mind gets into detail, right, it might be a hook up, but there tends to be some emotional kind of component to it. There’s this sense of just attuning to what you need and seeing you and anticipating and attention in that.

Laurie Watson 16:22
Yeah, I think I think there are sort of themes that work really well, for most women, there’s kind of the scene I think, for a lot of women have been, it’s not terribly politically correct, but of being taken, you know, sort of the dominant male, I think it’s really about energy. That something about a man having that sexual energy that is so exciting. to women. I mean, romance novels, you know, all the men are alphas. They’re all powerful men. cowboys aren’t big one. But doctors executives gotta say, George, there’s no therapist and romantic. No. Sorry,

George Faller 17:06
I get Laurie.

17:09
I think your wife teased you about that when I was up with you guys. And she was saying that she didn’t plan on marrying a marital, it’s

George Faller 17:18
not easy. Sometimes maybe,

Laurie Watson 17:20
maybe a fireman when she met you was part of that. That fantasy there. Some of it. And this might be a little bit of my argument with why it’s problematic. But there aren’t a whole lot of books about women with sexual power. You know, with sexual imagination. It’s more about he’s the expert lover teaching her, you know, she’s the Virgin, she’s innocent. This is all new. It’s the awakening those, I think, again, it’s that, that moment of awakening that is very exciting. And on the other hand, there’s not a whole lot of agency, if you, you know, can also see the excitement. Being a woman with knowledge, being a woman who takes control of it, or offers what she wants and stuff like that. So it’s, I don’t know, even as I say it, I can feel my own political conflict in it.

George Faller 18:20
Well, I hear a lot of that with my clients to somebody that lives a life as a feminist and is very proud of that, and yet doesn’t want to be that same feminist in the bedroom and things kind of switch and, again, we’re talking about flexibility here. Non judgment, we’re just trying to understand how to, you know, for many tends to be graphic and visual, you can see the pornography and, you know, that’s part of a turn on. It almost sounds like what what I hear you saying there’s a, you know, a self play in pornography that’s happening in that erotic mind and these different scenes that are happening, either they were real or they they’re imagined or from a book, but there’s something about just kind of immersing yourself in that erotic kind of imagery that that seems to kind of get the engines going.

Laurie Watson 19:09
Yes. I think you’ve clarified that definitely. There is putting yourself in that place.

George Faller 19:17
Well, when we come back, let’s talk about how how can women share that or are they better off not communicating some of these things okay with their partner.

Laurie Watson 19:29
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George Faller 20:33
So we’ve opened up the door, we’re now inside the woman’s erotic mind, we’re trying to figure out what’s going on here how it’s it bounces around in these these different scenes. So Lori’s talking about so many of the clients that she’s worked with. And we’re trying to figure out like, how do you communicate this with your partner? Is it even helpful to communicate? Is it better off keeping it to your own freedom? And? And what do you think Laurie?

Laurie Watson 21:03
You know, I think you have, you have to know your partner. Some men are Uber jealous. Some men would feel somehow or another excluded. If you had a fantasy about somebody else, or something else. I think that women talk about, you know, fantasy is part of the experience. And there’s also reality, you know, they’re looking in the eyes of their partner, sometimes. Sometimes they’re going back and forth between memories and fantasies and, and sensual touch that they’re experiencing. Right, then I think all of it is wonderful. I don’t think necessarily every time you shut your eyes, you know, it’s about being somewhere else. I mean, sometimes you’re right in the moment there with your partner experiencing that. And yeah, sometimes you go somewhere. My husband always says to me things like, What are you thinking about? Or you’re somewhere else, you know, just when we’re even in conversation, let alone in bed? And, you know, he’s really curious about what’s happening inside my mind. But I talked to women who, whose husbands kind of feel that as an absence. You’re, you’re somewhere else. You’re not with me, what were you saying about being present, like the fantasy from before might have been a time that you were really alive and aware to that partner? And that’s, you’re not fantasizing at that time. Say that, George, because I wanted to argue with you a little bit.

George Faller 22:31
I mean, I guess, the fantasies that you’re going back to these powerful awakening moments, you know, if we would have a scene of that moment, it wouldn’t seem to me that you’d be fantasizing in that scene, you don’t need that fantasy, because the power of the moment is so strong. So and we get every moment can’t be that way. So why would your brain not want to get a little boost by kind of getting that jolt from a past or a possibility of something in the fantasy? So I mean, I guess it’s helpful what you’re talking about the switching, you might need a little some imagery to kind of heighten the moments. And then you’re back with your partner, your presence. So it’s, it’s something that’s accentuated, I guess, I’m just curious, is it even helpful to share it? I mean, just just keep the erotic secrets in your own minds? I mean, what would be helpful about sharing it?

Laurie Watson 23:32
I mean, I think, certainly the helpfulness might be if you want to recreate that scene, or create that scene, and you know, if it’s, if it’s something you’ve never done, I mean, our mind is, is an infinitely creative tool to help us sexually. I mean, we can, we can imagine all kinds of things that maybe we would never do, but maybe sharing with our partners, something that we think about, turns our partner on, and turns us on to share it. I think the vulnerability of sharing it is a turn on to

George Faller 24:08
I love that there’s so much good information in this fantasy about the gas pedal and what turns you on, to be able to share that really gives gives your partner good information about how to help you get more turned on. Right. So withholding the information to protect them from hurt or protect you from feeling bad, also prevents that good information from being shared.

Laurie Watson 24:31
Yeah, I think that, you know, people judge themselves I have lots of listeners who write in about lesbian fantasies, women who have lesbian fantasies, and and they’re not lesbian, and they feel like that’s wrong to use those fantasies, one of our listeners on my advice, I wrote back to her personally and I said, Yeah, I think you should share it. And her husband said, you know, why would you not I want I think it was actually a, she had a fantasy of a threesome, you know, lesbian, and man and, and the man was her husband and her fantasy. And, and he said, you know, why wouldn’t you want multiple people loving you simultaneously, which was so reassuring, so loving. So accepting these were people who monogamy was it, they weren’t going to act this fantasy out. But kind of that level of acceptance and that level of understanding and interpretation, you know, opened her up, you know, she, she wasn’t ashamed and bad, she could talk about it and, and together, they couldn’t be more excited about it.

George Faller 25:41
And it’s so important that you had that safety. I mean, if people want to roleplay being somebody else, that’s great if it works. But if people start to get worried, you actually want somebody else because there’s a lack of safety, there’s distance in a relationship, then the sharing could actually lead to more defensiveness, insecurities and kind of shutting down. So I do think there is, I think you really need safety, to have these conversations.

Laurie Watson 26:09
Oh, my gosh, yes.

George Faller 26:11
And if you’re going to do a role play, and that’s fun, because both people are not going to take this personal. I mean, I know you’re not a pirate, but you’re playing a pirate, and we’re having fun with it. Right. But if the if there’s a lack of safety leads to Oh, wait a second, my partner really wants someone else and doesn’t want me. Right, and then it starts to kind of increase fears and pressure, then then the sharing actually becomes counterproductive. So how to couples really have conversations around assessing their levels of safety. Because this is a really risky thing to do to let you let your partner into your erotic mind.

Laurie Watson 26:48
It is risky, you know, they could not think it was erotic, or they could think it was, you know, way out of the box. Or they could find it. I think the the difficulty is, they could find it. Somehow or another they’re lacking. You know, especially when women are fantasizing about executives and cowboys and doctors and something that the man may say, you know, I’m a bureaucrat, you know, I’m a therapist. All you therapists out there listening, y’all are great. Just for the record. I treasure you all.

George Faller 27:28
I think you’re sexy, sexy beasts. Yeah, the world don’t see. Yeah,

Laurie Watson 27:32
that’s right. I think you’re sexy beast. And we know, a lot of therapists.

George Faller 27:40
But if you would throw this into some of these general themes, you know, you have these past powerful awakening moments, you have the powerful partner, executive, cowboy pirates, you might have a lesbian kind of theme you might have the woman being in charge and being powerful. Again, any other themes out there that these erotic mind could just kind of race into.

Laurie Watson 28:04
I think women think about graphic stuff, too. You know, they think about being touched in a way that is really attuned. You know, they think about that, seeing their partner, you know, women dream about men and women dream about naked men. I mean, I, I’ve said this on the podcast, but one of my favorite things to do is come up with coffee in the morning, watch my husband shower. You know, it’s just, it’s, it’s a sexy thing. It’s not necessarily just a fantasy, but you know, I think about it during the day, you know, what do you look like? That is part of my mind, and how I get engaged.

George Faller 28:45
So I think most men can relate to what you’re saying. I mean, every man at times has thought about a previous episode kind of get more turned on or thinks about something they’ve seen or they some fantasy about it, you know? So it’s we’re not that different. After all, lore, I guess is what I’m I’m hearing you say?

Laurie Watson 29:08
No, I think men and women are very different in how they fantasize and my experience with what women Tell me and with what men tell me.

George Faller 29:16
What’s the difference?

Laurie Watson 29:18
Man, we gotta do another podcast. We’re out of time, George, this is another episode.

George Faller 29:24
Well, we opened the door, we kind of took a step into that woman’s erotic mind here. And Laurie, as usual, is telling us there’s a lot more to talk about that we haven’t even scratched the surface here. So yes, another podcast on going deeper into the erotic mind. But I, I am leaving this conversation just appreciating the freedom and how important that is. And to really, to start to shed the shackles of kind of all of these tapes that can play around how how bad It is or try to kind of you know, this is this is a place where people are designed to just wander. It’s so expansive and there’s a lot going on here. So I think couples that could learn how to have more conversations in safe, non threatening ways. It just opens up so much more space for their relationship.

Laurie Watson 30:18
I agree. Thanks for listening everybody.

George Faller 30:21
Keep it erotic and hot.

Announcer 30:24
calling your questions to the foreplay question, voicemail dial 833 my foreplay, that’s a three three, the number FOUR-PLAY and we’ll use the questions for our mailbag episodes. All content is for entertainment purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for therapy by a licensed clinician or as medical advice from a doctor. This podcast is copyrighted by Foreplay Media.