Show Transcript for Episode 274: How to Have Hot Makeup Sex—Minus the Fight!

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Announcer 00:00
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Laurie Watson 00:02
The hottest sex in my life George was makeup sex.

George Faller 00:05
Haha yeah Laurie let’s hear about this hot makeup sex.

Laurie Watson 00:13
Welcome to Foreplay Radio Couples & Sex Therapy. I’m Laurie Watson, your sex therapist.

George Faller 00:18
And I’m George Faller, couples therapist,

Laurie Watson 00:21
and we are passionate about talking about sex and helping you develop a way to talk to each other.

George Faller 00:26
Our mission is to help our audience develop a healthier relationship to sex that integrates the mind, the heart and the body.

Laurie Watson 00:36
We got to say too, about our sponsors, Uberlube, OMGyes.com and Addyi, we’re recommending things that we have recommended to patients that we’ve seen as a good product, a healthy product, something that we think will help you

George Faller 00:51
and all these products are just trying to move the needle and get people more comfortable talking about sex and enjoying sex. So we really appreciate that partnership.

Laurie Watson 01:02
Gee whiz. Good morning.

George Faller 01:05
Good morning. hottest sex in your life. Here it is.

Laurie Watson 01:11
Oh, yeah, it was a bad season for us. Really bad season. And I still have a memory of that night. I mean, just wild, crazy makeup sex. We were so angry. And it was anger is kind of a rousing, you know, in some ways, physiologically arousing, and we just went to town. It was very, very hot. I can still think of it. Hey,

George Faller 01:37
if we could figure out how to bottle this up. Put it in a little package. It’s said that throughout the world, people be out a lot like a lot of this great section talking about my Lord.

Laurie Watson 01:47
Absolutely. I don’t want to ever go through that kind of fight again. But and that bad time that bad season. But the sex Yeah, makeup sex is cool.

George Faller 01:58
It’s an important topic, right? That we need to understand. Break it down. What is it about makeup sex that works? How do we take pieces of that and bringing it intentionally bring it into our lives? Right? There’s the subject about really is working. Let’s catch it.

Laurie Watson 02:16
I think one of the first things is, is you’ve discarded a little bit about worry about your partner’s opinion of you. You know, so you’re a little raw, you’re just able to go for what you want, physically. Take what you want. And there’s just your inhibitions are down, because it’s like, Ah, man, I’m so mad at you. I’m not that. I don’t care so much about how you might judge me. there’s a there’s a little bit of space.

George Faller 02:48
Yeah, I like that you’re priming the pump. I think so often, couples are showing up in a bedroom flat. They don’t have a lot of emotion. That’s what the routine there’s nothing like doing the same thing over and over again. So this this fighting actually gets the emotions going. Right. It gets on nervous systems. Why we talked about triggers like we’re, we’re more alive. We’re more on a body. It’s responding.

Laurie Watson 03:13
Right. And it was more to the table. It wasn’t in the bedroom. It was in the dining room. Under the Table, I think it’s what I recall by the chair and the table. Yeah, I mean, but it was what you said resonated it, there was a lot of energy. There was a somewhat of that. I don’t care what you think of me. But also, both of us had just a ton of energy as we were coming together. It wasn’t makeup sex. It wasn’t this sweet resolution like Oh, now I feel emotionally safe and tender about you. It was just kind of this like, passionate raw. Your mind. I’m yours. sense. I know people. Women tell me all the time. I can’t do that until I feel emotionally safe. Now I would say my husband 90% of the time wants to feel emotionally safe. always gonna have that. But at that point, I think it was so important to both of us like, Yeah, really just

George Faller 04:16
to grab each other. I like how we’re trying to dissect these elements here. So there’s something about the just more energy that you can harness and tap into that which is what makes makeup sex better than than typical sex. I also think there’s something to be said about the distance that was created with the fighting. Right? I mean, we feel so far apart were like on separate islands, you know, so the act of makeup sex literally bridges distance anytime they were far apart, and now all of a sudden we’re rolling under the table with each other. Right. So, I mean, not only is it have high intensity with emotion, but the act itself. is bringing a closeness from so much distance that I think emotionally is really important.

Laurie Watson 05:06
It’s using the sexual attachment cycle to connect, rather than relying strictly on the emotional attachment cycle, which is the path a lot of people take and prefer, you know, I gotta, I gotta feel emotionally, whatever, in order to have sex with you. It’s like, we used our bodies to connect. And it changed something. I mean, I, it was affirmation. You know, we’re together. It was,

George Faller 05:34
it was good. And we’re trying to take out, you know, what is it about using your bodies to connect, that might be a little bit different than just using your words, and as a way of repairing that for some couples, this is the most surest way of reassuring, right? It’s it’s the body speaking to each other, and reminding each other of how important they are, how they’re still attracted how they want each other. I mean, that’s, that’s good stuff.

Laurie Watson 06:05
It was good stuff at. It’s so primal. I know that we talk about emotional connection is so important. But when you think about babies, how do they know that they’re connected to their mothers or to their parents? It’s all through touch touches our first language that regulates us and tells us we are connected. And we are safe. It isn’t words. It is the body and that primal, primitive place. I mean, God, you have an orgasm with your partner. And it’s just, it is merger. I mean, it was

George Faller 06:49
Yeah. Laurie’s getting

Laurie Watson 06:51
one of my one of my favorite memories, right? We’ve talked about

George Faller 06:56
flashback right here.

Laurie Watson 06:59
I’m done with this podcast today. So it’s the primal place, the primitive body connection, the orgasm. I mean, it’s, I really do think there’s something about orgasm, and I know there’s chemistry and stuff. But that that just feels so scientific. To me, I think there’s something in me that both of us having orgasms, it’s like you, your souls kind of merge again, it’s connecting, it’s explosive. It’s it’s powerful.

George Faller 07:34
High levels of engagement, high levels of presence, right? You don’t need all these other things. Thinking about erotic memory. I mean, it’s it’s you’re in the moment. I mean, I think that’s why this is so intense. The makeup sex, it’s like you’re sending clear signals. I want you now I choose you, you know, the other person wants you I mean, this is sucks at its best. So how do we how do we create environments where we can get this without all that horrible fighting and distance?

Laurie Watson 08:05
Yes,

George Faller 08:06
yes. Makes me want to have a fight with my wife right now. This is

Laurie Watson 08:14
good, it is good. While crazy makeup sex is one of the best things in life for sure.

George Faller 08:20
And if we can learn from it, we can pull pieces of it into everyday life. Okay, it’s not something we have to just have this vicious fight to have one of these things that you’re saying high energy, this merge this, you know, great lovers are describing the same thing. They don’t need to fight to get there.

Laurie Watson 08:40
Yes. Okay, so let’s come back and talk about one of these aspects and see what we can help people with to have hot sex without crazy bites.

George Faller 08:56
I like that hot sex without crazy fights.

Laurie Watson 09:03
Way to add excitement to the moment is with Uberlube, you know, it’s this really slick lubricant that doesn’t do some of the bad things that lubricants do it then it actually feels a lot more like woman’s natural lubrication. And I highly recommend it for beginning sexual touching on a man on a woman just start off that way. It’s long lasting. It’s scent free, tastes free. You can switch from oral sex intercourse back and forth. It’s easy or touching. There’s four ingredients. There’s three types of high grade silicone and then there’s just a little bit of vitamin E, which kind of helps our vulva it’s great doesn’t impact your pH or hormones, as recommended by doctors recommended by myself. I love your energy as you talk about and how do you spell at Laurie? Uberlube.com and use the coupon FOREPLAY for 10% off. Okay, we’re going to talk some more about why makeup sex is so hot. And how do we get it so that we don’t have to go through that bad fight? But, George, you have any other insight? Have you ever had hot makeup? sex?

George Faller 10:20
Yes. And it’s good to just flash back and think about I think for me, the biggest element is fighting cause causes the fears and anxiety that really come up, like, you know, does my partner want me? Or you know, are we right? I mean, this is I think, the most threatened imparts in a relationship is right before the makeup see. Right. And the act of makeup sex is literally like a 180 degree shift from like, the ultimate fears of this might not work or we might not be right. Or the, you know, do you really want me towards an absolute? Yes, you want me? Look how clear this is? Look how right we are macam magical. This is I mean, it’s the antidote to those big fears. No wonder why it’s such a high right. It’s such a hit. Absolutely.

Laurie Watson 11:21
Such affirmation,

George Faller 11:23
right, literally in the act, we’re overcoming our threat together. That’s the beauty of the makeup set sucks. It’s more than just the physical. It’s emotional, too. Because we’re facing threat together, we’re common each other’s fears. Right. And when we’re replacing those fears with oxytocin and all these, you know, adrenaline and these beautiful hormones that just create these huge levels of engagement.

Laurie Watson 11:47
I like what you said that the threat of the fight is the separation. I don’t know if my partner wants to be with me. I mean, I you know, we we go to those bad places, even with minor fights, we go to that bad place of this means my partner is leaving, or this means my partner is going to reject me. And so overcoming that with a vivid experience and alive experiences. So hot, so wonderful.

George Faller 12:21
So my brain keeps going towards how do we extrapolate that overcome and threat together that leads to this huge, high? And how can we put that into other areas? Right, and that seems what great lovers are doing when we talk about best sex, when people are engaged with their, you know, their their mind, their heart, their spirit, their body, like that, so much of what’s happening in great sex, you feel totally wanted and seen, you can let yourself go. There’s such a merging that goes on. You can see people physically present in their bodies emotionally present. They’re facing threats together spiritually. I’m not some rich stuff. So a great lovers of doing this. How do you what do you think Laurie? How do we help people use the elements of makeup sex, and bring it into everyday sex?

Laurie Watson 13:14
You know, I watched the Bachelor and the Bachelorette, it is interesting to me about watching how they build connection. And one of the things that they do is frequently the date is this risky experience, like they’re jumping off a bridge together a bungee jumping, or they’re high diving from a cliff into the pool of water below. They’re doing physiological things that are risky, they’re Cliff climbing, they’re hiking, they’re in a boat. I mean, there’s, yeah, a lot of these are sensational kinds of dates. And, you know, maybe ordinarily, we couldn’t do that. But striving together working on something, overcoming something planning and doing that is is a great way to have that same sort of experience of we overcame. Maybe it’s risking doing something new. You know, we haven’t ever done x before. We haven’t women. I don’t know gone ice skating. I think ice skating.

George Faller 14:17
I think it’s brilliant. You’re being intentional about priming that pump. I think so often, when you’re just reaching over in bed with a hand and just saying what do you think? I mean, there’s just no stop to that. Right? There’s that sometimes that’s necessary and healthy. That’s great. But you know what, if you want to have some great sex, you got to prime that pump. You got to get those emotions going. You know, so if you went ice skating together, or you did something that just got your body moving, gotten emotions flowing, got the adrenaline going, you’re bringing more to the table, that if you just lay in there reaching over and say what do you think,

Laurie Watson 14:52
hmm, right. And there are ways I think also emotionally not just physically to take risks. I mean, I think that is one of the things that sharing fantasies does, is you are revealing a vulnerable part of yourself. And that’s really risky. Any kind of risk that we take, and I’m not talking about, let’s have a DTR. You know, let’s talk about our relationship. I’m talking about an intentional, fun risk emotionally that you take with each other.

George Faller 15:22
I’m making a connection here, maybe that’s why I want to have sex after horror movies. Right, there’s some sets of threads, it’ll your body’s mobilized and jacked up and like it a year later, you’re like, all this energy wants to go somewhere.

Laurie Watson 15:38
I think that is smart

George Faller 15:39
bar movie making, you’re making a connection, that there’s something about fear and arousal, that’s, that’s similar, that’s kind of tapping into a same place that, you know, when when you have lots of fear that that can shift and start to turn towards channel that into arousal.

Laurie Watson 15:59
I think going dancing is hot. But it’s a risk, right? I mean, you’re to move and it is for me to just be spontaneous when you’re dancing in front of people. I know a lot of men don’t like to dance, because there’s that anxiety of what do I look like? People are gonna laugh at me all all our junior high tear memories, you know, I mean, that kind of risk. And then you are of course, moving your body and, and heavily schmoozing up against each other.

George Faller 16:32
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Laurie Watson 18:36
I laughed when you said you know different than a tap on the shoulder of how did you put it you want to or you’re up for it or?

George Faller 18:44
It’s business time?

Laurie Watson 18:46
It’s It’s Wednesday night? Yeah, Flight of the Conchords if those of you don’t know that reference, that’s that’s funny as heck. midweek sex. And there’s nothing wrong with midweek sex. We don’t want to put that down. There’s lots of kinds of sex that connect people and it’s good for our bodies and good for our minds and feels good. So yeah, you know, sex doesn’t always have to be super hot. But I think the elements of makeup sex that are super hot are that aggression and energy. You know, it’s a it’s taking the aggression of the anger, focusing it sexually and there’s just this energy about it that comes barreling. atcha that feels so good.

George Faller 19:38
Yeah, like that, that we so pathologize anger. And yet anger is so important for us to feel powerful and be decisive and confident. You know, I when I’m coaching, I want my athletes to harness anger, right? It makes them perform better. Why would it be any different in the bedroom, right? There’s something about this anger when it mobilize in a healthy way, that just makes it easy to be less inhibited. And you know, take risks and ask for what you need to communicate more directly. I mean, that’s some sexy stuff

Laurie Watson 20:10
is some sexy stuff. Yeah. So how do you get your guys to do that? You just kind of assume they’ve got the anger of competition or,

George Faller 20:21
yeah, I mean, that’s that fighting back, you know, you get knocked down, get back up. It’s not the time for vulnerability or expressing fears of failure, this is your time to kind of knock that person back down, to charge forward, charge forward, put aside those fears. And those vulnerabilities and angers graded that it becomes people over rely on it, then it winds up snuffed out their vulnerability, we want both, but we’re just trying to open up some space here of, of the function of anger in healthy ways. You know, most of change in human history has happened when people have have seized anger and stood up and said, this is not okay. So that we’re just trying to think about that in a bedroom where people are saying, you know what, let me stand up. I like it.

Laurie Watson 21:05
I like it. Good energy, good energy. Energy is important, for sure. And I think so many times we don’t feel that reciprocated. Maybe we get aroused, we want to initiate we feel it. And the timing is off. Right? Our partner may not be thinking about sex at all. But in a fight when there’s mutual energy, it’s like we’re coming into it hot already.

George Faller 21:31
Literally important. That’s mutual energy. That’s a great way of saying it, Laurie, that you’re both people showing up primed with a lot of energy to exchange with each other. So different than most couples in that Tuesday night saying what do you think with this, both of them showing up with low energy. So let’s just try to organize this Laurie on what we can take out of great makeup sex that couples can use every day. There’s something about both people showing up with energy priming those pumps becoming much more intentional To me, that’s the biggest takeaway of this. People who make up sex are coming to the table with a lot of energy. Right? So a couple’s just saying, your idea is let’s let’s watch a horror show. Let’s play skated Let’s dance, let’s do something to get our energy level. It doesn’t have to be a fight. We just have to be more engaged. Now you want to have a politics discussion? I usually does it.

Laurie Watson 22:26
I’m never talking politics of the valor.

George Faller 22:30
Alright,

Laurie Watson 22:30
but I agree. It’s the decision. I mean, in some ways, that’s why I think planning a little bit about sex or date night, you both can think and fantasize and project like okay, this could be cool this, you know, what makes it great for me? What makes it great for my partner? How do I have enough energy to show up in the bedroom? Maybe it’s the nap, you know, in the afternoon or something? I mean, that gives us a sense of we know where we’re going. I don’t think planning is bad. I mean, it would be wonderful if spontaneously, both people at the same moment feel hot, other than after a fight. But, you know, with busy lives, that doesn’t happen so much. So that’s why I like the Saturday night date.

George Faller 23:17
Well, it’s similar to the hookup the hookup or the makeup. Both people is showing up with big energy. Right? There’s mystery to it. There’s the unknown. This this overcoming threat together I think is another important element of makeup sex, which is saying how how do you say that? What’s your partner we have these fears and insecurities. So when you say you’re hot, you’re amazing. I’m so glad you want me or you say I’m hot. So you’re proud. I mean, these are ways of just tapping into that, that you know, facing overcoming threat together too.

Laurie Watson 23:50
I’m too sexy for my shirt. Exactly. And speaking of hookups one of my favorite assignments is to tell people to go to a bar out we’re opening up thank god COVID is almost over y’all hang in there but to go to a bar and pretend like you don’t know each other and see if you got game See if you can pick each other up you know nice rent the hotel

George Faller 24:13
room upstairs so you don’t need to fight you could just do the hook up at the bar see and get the same result the

Laurie Watson 24:21
roleplay the roleplay of the heck out because it’s it’s kind of vulnerable to try to see if you can flirt with your partner and turn them on a little bit you know what if they like make it What if they play hard to get and you really got to work at it.

George Faller 24:37
Well if they start talking to someone else

Laurie Watson 24:40
No, no, no, that’s not part of the role play towards okay.

George Faller 24:45
Just Just see where this goes.

Laurie Watson 24:47
alleviate your fears hear that is not part of the roleplay it’s all about a couple

George Faller 24:52
be interested in though if you did talk to another person who was fears got spiked, how those fears then would translate into the sex.

Laurie Watson 25:02
I mean, that’s one of the useful parts of jealousy. The useful part is, it spikes in us that desire for our partner. It’s like, Whoa, whoa, whoa, I kind of want to win you, I want to have you. I want to be the most interesting thing, most exciting thing to you.

George Faller 25:18
And certainly we’re not recommending being manipulative. We’re using this as a tool because most of what we’re, you know, our messages is built around safety and how important that is.

Laurie Watson 25:31
We’re talking about a second game, just a sex, one night sort of sex game. And I’m talking about just the couple together, George’s George’s calling. Somebody,

George Faller 25:45
I got horror movies, and some makeup sex. They’re all like swirling around in my brain. Right. But again, I’m trying to pull out these common elements Laurie to say, you know, there’s lessons to be learned here. Just like in a previous one, we talked about the erotic mind like this information here. And what turns us on and what turns us off right it’s given us more to talk about more to work with. This is exciting stuff and most people just don’t think about it they take it for granted. That was great makeup sex I let’s get on with life. Well, let’s let’s what what was what did you do in our makeup sex that you could actually pull into everyday life that would just make your sex sex life better? Right. So

Laurie Watson 26:25
it’s overcoming threat together. It’s energy, aggression. Kind of a dismissing of our inhibitions. I don’t care what you think of me in this moment. It’s the directness of I want you. What did I forget?

George Faller 26:42
I think you got it all. Okay. And that it ends in a beautiful afterglow. Right? Just like we’re back. It’s issues haven’t been resolved. They usually are in more perspective afterwards. Right. You see things a little differently after an

Laurie Watson 26:58
orgasm sex helps perspective.

George Faller 27:01
Yeah, like merger. Great. What a great way to end sex helps perspective.

Laurie Watson 27:07
Thanks for listening.

George Faller 27:09
Keep it hot.

Announcer 27:11
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